Hope

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit, but I have been working a lot and I am just too tired. I had a day off today and thoughts in my head, so here goes. Thanks for continuing to be interested in what I have to say!!

I am still feeling much better! My heart doesn't ache all the time and I haven't cried for a long time either. I feel so much stronger, which is something I never thought would happen. What a blessing to feel alive again! I know Wo would be so happy to know I am feeling better. I still miss her like crazy and have irrational thoughts at times, but I am on the mend!! Right when I go to bed is the worst time. I close my eyes and see Lauren in the hospital or in her casket every time. I try to get the vision out of my head, but sometimes it won't budge. I still talk to her all the time and tell her I love her and miss her. Mark and I still visit her gravesite every day. The candles I ordered came the very next day and are wonderful. They burn for 5 or 6 days and we are so happy with them. I have noticed that Mark and I both kiss our hand and rub Lauren's pic on her stone as if we are touching her hair. We then kiss our hand and touch the little angel sitting by her stone. We both do this every single time. I can't wait until the weather gets warmer and we can plant flowers at her grave and we can build her memorial garden at home. My mom and dad gave me the most beautiful angel that will be perfect in Wo's garden. I was thinking about a small flowering tree as well. Any suggestions for a smallish flowering tree?

The angel statue my mom and dad got me. I love it!! I think it looks like Wo when she was a little girl.

I was talking to Mark the other day. We talk about Wo all the time and Mark said something about having hope. He said hope is what makes him get up every day and go to work. I started thinking about all the things I have hope for. I guess the easiest way is to list them.

I hope Kristen and Ryan know that I love them more than anything. They have been put on the back burner for a few years, but I love them both so much and hope both of their futures are so bright! Of course, I wish the same for Bruce and Stephanie as well.

I hope Mark will find happiness and joy again. He is always so supportive and loving to me and our family.

I hope my mom and dad will live forever and remain healthy!

I hope my sister and her family will all remain happy and healthy. I can't wait for the newest addition!!!!

I hope my little doggies that bring me so much joy remain healthy.

I hope my great friend, Dawn's, great grandson makes a full recovery from cancer.

I hope all my friends with cholangiocarcinoma live long and happy lives. Clean scans and normal labs, baby!!!!!!

I hope Gio finds happiness and comes to see us one day.

I hope Wo is happy in heaven and is not cold, lonely, or scared. She was so cold in her casket and that really bothered me. I hope she is so happy that she doesn't miss us. I know she is around us all the time, but I hope she knows we feel her with us. I hope she is not scared being without us.

I hope one day I can have a reading with the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo, so that I can have peace of mind that Wo is ok. I love her!!

I hope one day to be a grandma and to be called Nonni, which is Grandma in Italian. This is what Wo was going to have her kids call me.

I hope one day I find a job that will make me feel happy, appreciated, and valuable.

I hope anyone else that has lost someone they love finds peace and happiness again. Life is precious.

Thanks for continuing to care about what I have to say. As long as you keep reading, I will keep writing. Love to all of you,

-Pam

Wo with Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron. She loved them so much. Papa Ron just celebrated his 82nd birthday this past Tuesday!!!!!

Wo And Her Crazy Earring Collection

Hi Everyone,

Not really much going on right now. I have been working a lot and Mark always works a lot. The weather has been crazy here as usual. One day almost 70 and the next day a snowstorm. We can't wait until spring. Mostly so we can plant flowers at Lauren's grave and I also want to make a memorial garden in our yard. I have a vision of a heart shaped garden framed with rocks, flowers, and an angel statue. Ryan said he would help us make it! I just ordered 10 grave candles. I bought a lantern a few months ago and we put it at Lauren's grave so it would always be lit and we have gone through every candle we had in our house!! I tried making my own candles with Crisco and it didn't work very well. Hopefully, these will arrive soon.

I'm not sure what happened to me, but I feel like a new person. I have willed myself to get better and so far I'm doing ok. No more daily sobbing and feeling so sad. I have been warned by others that this might only be temporary, but I am going to try my best to be happy and remember the good times with Wo. I still have a hard time at night when I first try to go to sleep. I usually get visions in my head of Wo in the hospital and the most unimagineable things she had to endure. I hope one day I won't have those pictures in my head.

I have tried to become a little more adventurous and wear some of Wo's crazy earrings. Most of them are just over the top and I look like a crazy lady in them, but I have worn a few of the tamer pairs. You don't believe they are that wild? Let me go get a few pairs and show you what I mean. Ok, I'm back. I put on some makeup and one of Wo's crazy lipsticks. Here we go:

The sophisticate. Hello daaahhhhling!

 

The dinner plates.

The party girl pink fringe.

 

The biggest hoops in the world!!

 



And last but not least, the bunch of grapes!!

I really cannot believe I just did this because I really hate seeing myself in pictures. But it was all in good fun to show you the wacky, yet unique style Wo had. She was one of a kind and I miss her so much.

Mark and I are going to visit my mom and dad this Saturday. Sis and Bruce are also coming since my mom and dad were watching their dog, Buzz, while they were on vacation and they need to pick him up. It will be nice to see all of them since it has been a while. That is about it for now. I will go look through the pics and find a nice one of Wo. Like I say probably 100 times a day to her, "I love you Wo and I will never forget you."

Thank you all for your support.
Love,
-Pam

High school graduation with Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron.

Remembering Wo On Her Birthday

Hi Everyone,

Well, we made it past another difficult day and we are doing ok. Yesterday was Mark and Lauren's birthday. I was getting ready for work and Mark called and said he was coming home from work because he just couldn't do it. He has had a birthday with Wo for 27 years and it just was too difficult for him. So, I followed suit and called off too. Mark worked out for a long time and I took a long nap. That is what I do to escape, sleep!!!

Mark woke me up and said he wanted to go for a drive. So we got in the car and drove and drove. We ended up in Columbiana County and were seeing names of towns we had never heard of. Mark said we would stop at the next small restaurant we saw and eat lunch. We did stop at the next place we saw, walked in, and turned around and walked back out. Ok, we'll stop at the next place we see!! We found a small bar and grille and were about the only customers in there. Mark had a big burger and fries and I had two sliders and fries. I felt better because I had been really hungry which makes me grumpy and I was woken up from a nap, which anyone that knows me knows that is a major no-no unless you want your head bitten off!! I had been trying my best to be nice because it was Mark's birthday.

We stopped in Alliance and got an ice cream cone for dessert. Butter pecan, Yumm!! We had to drive down to where I work and Mark had to go in and pick up his birthday cake. I sat hunkered down in the car so nobody would see me!! I'm so bad.

I kept asking Mark if he wanted to celebrate his birthday and he said he would rather celebrate it on Friday and let the 6th be Lauren's day. So we are having his birthday today. He wants barbecued chicken thighs on the grill, potatoes and onions in foil on the grill, whatever veggie I make, and birthday cake (white cake and white buttercream frosting). He will also get to open presents.

We wanted to do something special for Wo's 28th birthday. I remember seeing big paper lanterns that had a flame underneath them on tv once. I looked on the internet and found some so I ordered 10 of them. I wrote Happy Birthday on one of them and Mark, Ryan, and I went to the cemetery last night. I was kind of afraid we would get in trouble, number one because the cemetery closes at dusk, but we break that rule all the time to go see Wo, and number two because the lantern has a big flame and I was afraid it would land on a nearby house and burn it down!! You wouldn't want to light one of those in the summer when it was dry. It went straight up and got wobbly a few times, but just kept going until it was out of sight. It was so cool. It was nice to have Ryan with us. We had a group hug that was so great. I wish Sis could have been there too. And of course, Bruce and Steph.

I don't know what has happened to me, but I am doing much better. I got a little teary yesterday a few times, but nothing compared to the non stop crying I used to have. I think I am finally coming to terms with the idea Lauren is in heaven and not coming back. But, I am lucky in the fact that she is always with me now!! I feel her around me and get little signs from her often. I tell her that I love her and miss her probably 100 times a day. It made me feel good that so many people liked and commented about her on Facebook. I know she is not forgotten and she affected many people's lives. I will do my best to keep her memory alive.

 Thank you for all of your precious comments. I read every one of them and keep them in my heart. Ok, picture time. For those of you that didn't see what I put on Facebook, here you go plus a few other special ones.

Love,
-Pam

 

Wo always looked up to her big sister.

And always looked out for her little brother.