Another Week Gone By

Well, another week has gone by and we are still missing our sweet Wo. I don't feel much different than in weeks past, but I know it is still too early. Mark and I still meet each other at the cemetery after he leaves work. I told him that I think it makes me sadder to go there every day, but I still feel like I want to go. He says he needs to go there every day. We both talk to Lauren wherever we are, but just feel closer to her when we are there. It is very quiet and peaceful. We can't wait until her monument, headstone, whatever you want to call it is done. We have received sketches of the stone for approval and have sent it back three times with changes. We think we finally have what we want.

I went up to my Mom and Dad's this week on Tues. and stayed until Thurs. My sister, Linda, and my nephew, Michael also came up. We had fun swimming in their lake because it was so hot!! Their air conditioning was going on the fritz and it was 81 in their house. Good thing I took Lauren's trusty fan with me. She used to lug that thing everywhere so she could be cool. My Mom felt so bad because this happened, but I really didn't care. We went through the whole summer a few years back without air when ours broke. I think I could manage a few days!! They are going to have to buy a new unit and will probably do so in the near future. My Mom doesn't like air conditioning and really never gets hot. We never had it as a kid and we lived. Anyway, Thursday was my Mom's 78th birthday. Kristen and Bruce came from Michigan that evening to go to dinner with us. We went to a Mexican restaurant. I told Sis to tell Bruce to go to the restroom and on the way back tell them it was Grandma's birthday so they would sing to her. My Mom had no clue and neither did my Dad. After dinner, I heard the waiters banging tambourines and I knew what was coming. A bunch of them came out and sang to her, slapped a sombrero on her head, banged her head with a tambourine, and smeared whipped cream on her face. She didn't know what in the world was going on. We all laughed so hard, we were crying. It was hilarious and felt so good to really laugh. I know Lauren would have gotten the biggest kick out of it and she was probably watching the whole thing. Here are a few pics of my sweet Mom.

I love how Linda is laughing so hard she is crying!!

I met our friend, Lisa, for lunch yesterday at the Hartville Kitchen. She has the same cancer as Lauren and was going to be a bridesmaid in Lauren and Gio's wedding. This is the first time I had seen her since the calling hours for Lauren. We did ok together. Some crying, but we were ok. We had a nice lunch and even shared a piece of coconut cream pie. Yum. We went to the cemetery after lunch and Lisa brought flowers for Lauren. We could only stay there for a little while because it was unbearably hot in the middle of the afternoon. I thought it was so sweet that Lisa wanted to visit her gravesite. She is such a sweet lady and we all love her very much. here is a pic of the very last time Wo and Lisa had lunch together. I sure will miss those times and I know Lisa does too.

Two precious girls that really got what each other was going through.

I am continuing with the keeping busy thing and going to breakfast with my friends on Monday. We are blessed to have people that care about us. My Dad has been rescheduled for his surgery and it is now Aug. 2nd. I will be going to U of M to see him through along with my Mom, Linda and Wayne. Kristen and Bruce will be working, but will make it there sometime during the day. Mark cannot take more time off work since he took so much when Lauren was in the hospital. I hope Gio is doing well. He needs time away from us to heal and we are respecting his wishes. We sure do miss him and love him. That is about it for now. Thanks to all who are still supporting us. We love you. I will leave you with another pretty pic of Wo. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

We miss you so much, pretty girl!!

I Wonder What Wo Is Doing In Heaven

I wonder often what Wo is doing in heaven. Since being diagnosed with cancer, Lauren met lots of others with her cancer and some with different kinds. Many have passed away and left their families devastated and missing them like we miss our Wo. I wonder if they all see each other in heaven. This is how I imagine it. Lauren eats lunch every day with our friend, Sharon, a lovely lady who passed away last year from gall bladder cancer. She was my age and left behind a sweet daughter that was close to Lauren's age. Marta was a beautiful girl around Lauren's age that lost her life last year due to stomach cancer. She had a passion for hair and make up just like Wo did. I bet they spend time doing each other's hair, make up, and nails. They reminded me so much of each other. I'm sure they are best friends. Kim, a gorgeous lady with a personality to match, passed away last year from Cholangiocarcinoma, the same cancer Wo had. She left behind two teenage daughters. She was a radio show host and friend to all. I'm sure she is taking great care of Lauren because she was such a role model to her and tried to help any way possible when Lauren was diagnosed. Our pal, Cindy, was a wife, mother, and grandma. What a dear, sweet lady she was. She passed this year from Cholangiocarcinoma as well.  She had many talents including card making and gardening. I am sure she has a garden in heaven and teaches Lauren how to grow things. I know she has met other friends that passed recently too from Cholangiocarcinoma like Tim, Trevor, Ryan, Diana, Susan, Diarmuid, Sara, Joe, Jim and so many others whose wives, husbands, sisters, brothers and children are friends of ours on FB or cc.org and those that passed a few years ago like Shirley, Teddy, Jack and so many more. I'm sure all her great grandparents are taking good care of her as well as my cousin, Rick and my Aunt Betty.

Mark and I are still having a very difficult time. It seems each day gets harder than the day before. I see people at the store with two little girls and that makes me sad. I hear someone yelling at their child and that makes me sad. I hear a song on the radio and that makes me sad. I get in our pool and that makes me sad because Lauren was so excited for summer. I get the mail and there is a bridal magazine and that makes me sad. I went in Lauren's room this week to start cleaning it up and totally had a breakdown when I saw all of her things. They all reminded me of fun times we had in the past. She never just bought one of anything. It will take forever to organize all her stuff. She was always planning for the future. Will we ever be ok? Will this pain go away?

I am going to my Mom and Dad's next week for a few days and so is my sister. She is always fun to be around so I am sure she will try and cheer me up. I feel bad leaving Mark and Ryan, but I think it will be good for me. Kristen and Bruce are going to come over for an evening. Sis is so busy with studying for boards and all the orientation stuff for her new job. Plus, on top of that, last weekend she had a kidney stone. She is feeling better, but those are so painful. My Dad and I are also lucky to have had them. I still can't decide which hurts worse, having a baby or a kidney stone!!

The Italian Festival is going on this weekend. Lauren absolutely loved going to this every year with Gio. So much Italian food, music, and spectacular fireworks. We don't think we are going this year. I think it would be way too hard for us and I don't feel like trying to fight back tears all night. I know Gio, his Dad, and brother are working it this year. His Dad and brother work there every year at the Carovillese Club booth selling sausage sandwiches. Gio is working at the beer truck with Bruno's fiance and a bunch of her friends. We are happy they are keeping Gio busy. We sure miss seeing him every day and hope he is doing well.

That is about it for this week. We are excited that there is no rain in the forecast for the near future!! Mark and I will probably hang by the pool this weekend with our pups. Maybe Ryan will join us when he is not working at the bike shop or hanging out with friends. I hope you all have a great weekend. I will leave you with a pic I stumbled across while looking back at Wo's Fb page. I found a few I had never seen before, each more beautiful than the last. We sure do love that girl. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Still Heartbroken

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all of your continued thoughts and prayers. Things are not much better around here. I'm sorry to say that, but they aren't. This is my place to come and let out my pain. I do not post on Facebook about how I am feeling, so if this is too downer for you, I suggest you don't read it. The fact is Mark and I miss our daughter more than ever. Nothing makes us feel better and the pain is always there. People have told us that in time, the pain will diminish. It will have to because we can't live in this hurt forever. Sure, we carry on with our day to day tasks and visit the cemetery every day, but the joy of life is gone for the moment. I know, you all tell me that Lauren is in a better place and she is not in pain anymore. This is true, but I am sure she would love to be planning her wedding, swimming in her pool, eating great food and spending time with her family and her love, Giovanni. Life is simply not fair and we have to learn to accept what has happened. I think that will take a mighty long time.

My Dad's surgery has been postponed for a bit because he had poison ivy and the doctor was not totally convinced that it wasn't shingles. So, until it is totally gone, no surgery. A compromised immune system is not good when replacing a mitral valve. He is kind of happy because now he can do more work on his house!! I swear, he never stops.

We didn't do much for the 4th. Mark wanted ribs from Old Carolina and they had an ad on the radio that they were $10 a slab instead of the regular $19.99 a slab. He called and ordered four slabs and we had a pick up tme of 2:30. He was busy pruning trees with Ryan, so I went to pick them up. It was total chaos and the take out line was moving at a snail's pace. I was next in line and the manager announced that they were out of ribs and that they didn't even have enough to fill any more take out orders. Great!! She did give us a coupon for four free slabs, but it kind of put a damper on our plans. I stopped and got burgers on the way home, since I didn't have anything thawed. Needless to say, nobody was very thrilled. It was rainy, so we decided not to go to fireworks.

Mark wanted to take me out to dinner last night since we never celebrated my birthday this year. It was on Lauren's surgery day. We got dressed up and he took me to my favorite restaurant, Desert Inn. It was delish. We had filets and they bring out a big tray filled with Syrian rice, Greek salad, garlic bread, and broasted potatoes. Yum!!! I had baklava for dessert and Mark had German chocolate cake with ice cream. We talked a lot about Lauren through dinner and cried a few times as well.

Today, we are getting our ribs that we wanted a few days ago. I am making a cake and we are celebrating Ryan and my birthdays. He was 22 on June 21, but was on vacation with Stephanie and her family at the time. It is still rainy here. I wish this stupid front would go away so we could enjoy our summer.

I had a message on Facebook from the girl that runs TMT Rescue. This was one of the charities we had requested donations be sent to in memory of Lauren. It is a rescue group that rescues dogs from unfavorable conditions, fosters them and gives them medical care, and finds them forever homes. With the money that was donated in Lauren's name, they were able to rescue two dogs. We love dogs so much and Lauren would be so happy to know that she saved two dogs and they will be placed in loving homes!!!  Thank you to all who donated!

Thanks to everyone who has donated to the Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation as well. Hopefully, a cure will be found for this horrible disease.

I will have to hunt around in my picture library for something to post. Maybe a blast from the past from Ryan's birthday in a past year.

Thanks for reading and putting up with my venting. I feel a little better right now. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Ryan celebrating his birthday and Wo, who was always by his side.

Hurting More As Time Goes By

Hi Everyone,

Sorry to say that things are not getting better for us. I'm sure things will get worse before getting better. We miss our Wo so much and nothing seems to help us. I'm sure we are going through the grief process and it will take time to feel better. I have a lot of uncontrollable crying and Mark has a lot of anger and sadness. Gio is just beside himself. Ryan has been on vacation with Stephanie's family, so I am not sure how he's doing. He keeps things inside most of the time anyway. Sis just finished her last day of residency on Friday and will be studying all of July for boards. She starts her new job in August, so she is pretty busy. Bruce starts his last year and new job as Chief Resident. Yay for him! My Dad will be having heart surgery at U of M on July 9th to repair a leaky mitral valve. Say a prayer for him, please. I will be going up to be with him and my Mom. Linda and Wayne will also be coming up. He will probably bounce back very quickly since he is the most fit 81 year old I have ever seen. He just had a heart cath done Friday and he is already getting antsy to paint his whole huge deck when he should be resting. You cannot make him sit still for a second!! I am very thankful for my little pooches, Peanut and Penny. They keep me company during the day and comfort me when I cry. They are so sweet. We are going to plant some really pretty rose bushes today that we bought last weekend. We bought them because they are flashy like Wo. Two different shades of hot pink!! I did have my first dream about Lauren last night. She was sitting in an auditorium and I could only see her from the back, but I knew it was her. I thought I would see a lot more signs from her. Other than the pennies right around her funeral time, not much. I am still looking and still believe. I just want to know that she is ok in heaven. Please cherish every day you have with your children. Here is a poem from my good pal, Lainy, from the cholangiocarcinoma website. She always knows just what to say.


 Think about the good times, not the bad,
Laugh at the weird things we did, cry at the sad.
I will be with you in heart, mind, and spirit.
When you need someone to talk to I'll be there listening.
When you are awarded for your success I'll be there smiling proudly.
When you get married I'll be there crying tears of joy.
When you need me most I'll always be there.
I want you to be happy I don't want you to cry over me.
I don't want you to spend your lives in misery.
I want you to move on in your lives. Think of me and smile!
Ours was a great experience of a loving family.
Of love that will last an eternity even though I am gone.
It is only goodbye for a short time for we will see each other again.
Know when the wind blows or the sun shines only on you
That it is me standing next to you.

I hope next time I post that we are all a tiny bit better. Thanks for continuing to care.

Love,
-Pam

This is how I will always remember Wo. The life of the party!!

The Past Week

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. Thanks again for all the support you have given us. We are so grateful. We have been doing alright, not great. I think it gets harder every day that passes. I seemed to have so much strength right after Lauren passed that got me through the calling hours and funeral. Now that reality has set in, I am having a much harder time. Realizing you won't see or hear your daughter until you pass away yourself is very difficult to deal with. We had so many plans and they are now all gone. Mark and Gio are having just as difficult a time. Ryan kind of holds things inside and Sis and Bruce try to keep busy. My Mom rarely cries and I have seen her cry more times in the past weeks than in my whole life. Everyone loved dear, sweet Wo and we will miss her so much. It is going to take a long time to be happy again. My friend, Debbie, came over last week and we walked around my neighborhood. I had a hard time keeping up with her and she had on flip flops!! She is such a great friend and it was nice to talk with her. Mark and I went to Summit Memorials last week and got ideas for Lauren's grave marker. I will keep it a secret until I unveil it here. It is going to be beautiful and I know Wo would love it. We are going to go back this Wed. and order it. It will take 6-8 weeks to be finished and at the cemetery they only pour the cement footers in Sept./Oct. or in the spring. So it will be a while before Wo gets her stone. I have a bunch of stuff at her grave right now until her stone is set. Mark and I go there every day. We had a nice time this past weekend when we went to Kristen's graduation from residency. We left a little after noon on Sat. and Gio went with us. Ryan is on vacation in North Carolina with Stephanie's family.We got to Bruce and Kristen's at about 3:30. My Mom and Dad and sister, Linda were already there. We all put on our dress clothes and went to the venue, a large ballroom at U of M. It was gorgeous and they really pulled out all the stops. There was an open bar and delicious appetizers. Kristen and her classmates went down the hall to another beautiful room for a group pic. I snuck in and took a few pics myself. Dinner was delicious. Most of us had filets, but my Mom and Mark had salmon. We had a fancy mango cheesecake for dessert. There was a program after dinner where awards were passed out and each resident was called up to receive their diploma and we were told what their plans were. Most were going to be doing fellowships, but some like Kristen are going into private practice. Kristen and the other three Chief Residents all gave nice speeches. We were busting with pride. There were also two slide shows. One was for Dr. Sanford, the program director for anesthesia, who is retiring after holding the position for 22 years. He seems like such a wonderful man. The next slide show was of all the residents. They each submitted pictures for this. Some were really funny and some were sad, especially the one Kristen put in of her and Lauren. That made my Mom really sad and she was crying. We saw a few of the many doctors that took care of Lauren when she was in the hospital. We made sure to thank them all for the great care they had given to Wo. The program was over around 10:00 and we headed back to Kristen's to change our clothes and were on our way home. Kristen and Bruce went out and whooped it up with all their pals. We didn't get home until around 2:00 am. Poor Mark had to stop a few times for coffee on the way home. Gio stayed overnight at our house and we went to breakfast at Farmer Boy in the morning.  We stopped at a garden center and got two beautiful rose bushes on the way home and also stopped at the cemetery to say hi to Wo. Gio went swimming with us, then left later because he had a golf date with the men in his family. It was so good to see him and spend time with him. That is about it for the update. We are trying to get used to our new normal, but I have a feeling it is going to take a very long time if we ever get used to things. Please, all of you, try and be patient and kind to those that you love. To everyone for that matter. Things can change so fast. Never pass up a chance to say "I love you". We tell our kids all the time how much we love them and are comforted in knowing that Wo knew she was loved so much. Here are a few pics from Sis's graduation. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Gio!!

Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron!!

 

The always photogenic, Aunt Linda!!

Sis and her best friends, Lisa, Becca, and Meredith.

The U of M Anesthesia Residency Class of 2013!!!!

Proud parents with our Sissy!!

The happy couple, Sis and Bruce!!

Very proud grandparents with Sis! Sorry about my arm in the shot.

The Past Few Days Are A Blur

Our daughter is now buried and life goes on. The last few days have been such a blur that it doesn't seem real. Lauren's calling hours were on Thursday and so many people came to pay their respects. People that were expected, people that were only in her life for a short time but cared enough come, classmates, relatives, people who work with Mark, friends of mine, and people who came from so far away. We were very touched that over 300 people came through the door at the funeral home to tell us how sorry they were and what a beautiful, sweet girl Lauren was. Thank you to all of you that took the time for Lauren and for us. It was difficult for us to see Lauren in her casket. She looked beautiful, but not really like our daughter. I thought her mouth looked different. I know this was only the shell of Lauren, and that her soul and spirit were already gone. She had on a really pretty dress that Kristen and I had gotten for her and a white sweater and pink scarf. I kept touching her hair. Her face and hands were very cold to the touch and her arms felt weird to me. It made me upset that she was so cold. We lifted the cover to make sure her little pink footies were on her feet and they were. Lauren was holding a rosary and had a crucifix with her. Gio's Mom had a rosary made out of roses and it was hanging in Wo's casket. It was so beautiful. Gio had all of Wo's rings on her fingers and left the wedding ring on her, but took her engagement ring to wear on his neck chain. We all stood up by Wo's casket for four hours during the calling hours and were all so emotional and tired afterwards. We had Lauren's wedding dress and veil on display for everyone to see because she was so excited to finally get married to her love, Giovanni. She was so proud of that dress and it sparkled and looked so beautiful, only not as beautiful as she would have looked in it. We had large foam boards of pictures of Wo throughout her life and her dear friend, Melissa, also made one. Kristen put together a slide show that ran the entire time of the calling hours. Many people just sat and watched it, some laughing, and then crying. It was time to leave our girl and get some rest, because the next day was her funeral. Kristen and Bruce, Matt and Katie, and Michael stayed at Gio's that night. Many friends came over as well to keep him company. My Mom and Dad stayed with our friends, Danny and Ann from Wadsworth. Mark, Ryan, and I stayed at our house. My sister, Linda and her husband, Wayne had left for Las Vegas the day before Lauren passed. We all urged them to go, not really thinking things would take a turn for the worse so fast. I felt so bad for them because they wanted to come home so bad after hearing the news, but could not get a flight back that didn't cost more than their whole trip. They finally made it home Thursday night and came up with only a few hours of sleep. We all met at the funeral home at around 11:00, before the calling hours that began at noon and lasted until the service at 1:00. I brought Lauren's baby blanket that she has kept in her pillow all these years from home and Mark layed it in her casket next to her.  There were many people that attended the funeral service including Lauren's surgeon, Dr. Sonnenday and one of Lauren's SICU nurses that we absolutely love named Kim. There were others that came all the way from Michigan and my dear friend, James, drove all the way from Virginia as well as Lauren's friend, Bianca that came just as far. We were so touched by everyone that made the long journey to say good bye. The service was officiated by a priest from St. Anthony's named Father Jim. It was a very heartwarming service. Bruce also spoke and gave such a beautiful talk about Lauren. When the service was over, everyone was dismissed row by row and walked past Lauren in her casket. We got to say our final good byes and I tucked her blanket around her hand so that she would have it forever. We also had Wo's wedding dress and veil put in her casket with her. The casket was loaded into the hearse and we drove to the grave. Many people chose to walk since it wasn't very far. There was a small awning and four chairs under the awning. Mark and I and my Mom and Dad sat while Father Jim spoke once again and said a prayer. The funeral director handed all of us a rose from Lauren's flowers that were on top of her casket. We visited with family and friends at the gravesite for a little while. We went back to Gio's and visited with family and friends. We were thrilled that Dr. Sonnenday came to the house and we got to visit with him. He could not stay for the wake because he had to get back to Michigan to do a liver transplant later that night. We all left to go to the Carovillese Club for Lauren's wake. Gio's family had graciously offered to do this for us. We had wonderful Italian food from Dontino's restaurant and cake made by Jolene. Many people made cookies too. The place was decorated in red and white. Lauren's favorite color was red. Thank you so much to the Ricchiutis, Romeos (Gio's Nonni and Pa), Jacqui and her family and friends, Dontinos (Anthony, Big Tim) and everyone else that made this such a beautiful celebration of Lauren's life. We felt the love. Most of our relatives and friends left for home. Sis and Bruce didn't leave until Sat. night. Mark and I went and bought me a comfy chair that rocks to take to the cemetery when I go to visit Lauren. We go every day to visit her, even if it is for a short time. We are going to Summit Monument tomorrow to look at stones for Lauren's gravesite. We have in mind what we want for her, so hopefully we can get it soon. I am keeping very busy. I went to breakfast with friends yesterday and they sure did cheer me up. Thank you Dawn, Debbie, Chyrel, Ruth, and Liz!!! Mark and I had gone to Donzell's and Canton Road Garden Center and bought a bunch of flowers on Sunday. I am having fun planting all of them and making pots. I would like to thank all of you that sent cards, flowers, and donations for the  Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation and TMT Rescue. We are overwhelmed by your generosity and hopefully many people and furry friends will be helped. I will continue to update this blog from time to time. It really helped me to write my feelings down and I hope some of you might consider writing one. Thanks again for everything and I will talk to you soon.

Love,
-Pam

Our precious girl's gravesite. May she rest in peace.

 

A message to Wo from her little brother when she was in the hospital.

Just A Little Update

I just wanted to touch base with all of you and let you know that the last few days have been very tough on all of us, but also some of the most beautiful because of the outpouring of love we have received. It will take a lot of time and energy to let you know all about the past few days and I promise I will as soon as I am up to it. I am absolutely exhausted physically and emotionally. Thank you all so much for coming to the calling hours, funeral, sending cards and flowers, donations to the charities of Lauren's choices, food, and just kind words. We feel so blessed. Talk to you soon.

Love,
-Pam