Trying To Keep Busy

Hi Everyone,

I am not really sure why I continue to write this blog, but I guess I do it to make myself feel better and in some way keep Lauren's memory alive. Today is a hard day for me for some reason. Grief is very sneaky. You can think you are getting stronger and more able to handle your feelings and then BOOM, something triggers a huge wave of sadness and you have to start over. Today is one of those days for me and I have noticed Mark and Ryan are having difficult times lately as well. The realization that sweet Wo is not coming back really hurts sometimes. Don't worry, we will all get over this hump and be stronger than before.

Mark and I have been trying to stay busy and have fun. We have realized life is short and you need to make the most of it. We went to Atwood Lake one day and rented a pontoon boat. We visited some historic buildings and gardens in Zoar. We went to the Portage County Fair yesterday since Lauren loved to go every year. We have been using our pool since it has been hot lately and we even had a bonfire one night. One of our neighbors got a bunch of trees cut down and let us have some wood. I went to breakfast with friends one day last week and we were laughing so hard and being so loud that I don't think the restaurant would care if we ever came back!! I went up to my Mom and Dad's house last week for a few days and had a great time visiting. I went with them one day to look for new cell phones. They finally got them and I went back to their house and drank two beers after the fiasco we had to go through. If you know me at all, you know I rarely drink, but it was a nice end to a trying day. Their friends from Wadsworth, Danny and Ann, came to visit one day when I was there. We have known them since I was a little kid, so it was great to see them and catch up. My Dad is doing great recovering from his surgery. He had an appointment today at U of M and hopes to get off some of his meds. He has been a model patient and we went out and walked a few times when I was there. I could hardly keep up with him!!

Mark and I at Atwood Lake cruising around on a pontoon boat.

My Mom figuring out her new smartphone!
 

My Dad with his plain Jane phone!!

Kristen and Bruce are doing well. Sis started her new job and loves it. She has a lot of responsibility since she is in charge now rather than being supervised as a resident. She is a born leader and will be great. She and Ryan are going to run in a 5k in a few weeks in Detroit called The Neon Vibe. It will benefit the Children's Miracle Network. The runners wear white and put glow in the dark stuff all over them and then run. I guess there are black lights so they will glow. This is right up Ryan's alley because he likes to go to Raves, although this is not a Rave. He loves dubstep music and likes to dance with glow in the dark stuff on. I know Raves get a bad name because there is drug use involved at them, but Ryan swears he stays clear of all that and just enjoys the music. He is a good kid, so we totally believe him. Here is an ad for the race.

Our friend, Lisa Craine, and her husband David have formed a fundraiser that raises money to help find a cure for Cholangiocarcinoma, the cancer Lauren had and Lisa still has. We became great friends with Lisa and have gone to lunch many times with her. I have posted many pics of us together on this blog. Lauren always felt so at ease with Lisa and they would talk and talk about their cancer and many other things. Lisa was going to be a bridesmaid in Lauren and Gio's wedding. Anyway, the fundraiser is done through the Akron Community Foundation and The Akron Marathon. They raised over $14,000 last year and hope to raise more this year. They are called Craine's Cholangiocarcinoma Crew and this year they are dedicating the fundraiser in honor of Wo. I think this is so sweet and I sure hope a lot of money is raised to benefit the finding of a cure for Cholangiocarcinoma. This cancer does not receive much funding because it is considered rare, so they need all the help they can get. Here is the link to Lisa and David's website. There is a video of them and much more. Thanks for doing all this David and Lisa. You two are amazing!!    www.crainescancercure.org
 

This is Wo and Lisa the last time they would ever have lunch together. Breaks my heart.

That is about it for now. I have a Direct TV guy here adding a Genie to our system. DVR, HD, and the whole shebang on all our tvs. Woo Hoo!!! I will leave you with a sweet pic of our Wo when she was a little girl. Oh, how I wish this was a bad dream and I would wake up. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

About Time For A New Post

Hi Everyone,

Sorry it has been so long since I last wrote anything, but I never had time to sit down and write until today. A lot has happened since then. I hope I can remember everything. I can't even remember what I had for dinner yesterday let alone remember everything that went on the last few weeks!! Many of you that have Facebook have already seen and heard about what I am writing, but this is for those of you that don't have Facebook. Ok, here goes.

I got a tattoo!! Ever since Lauren passed away I have wanted something permanent to remember her by. So what could be more permanent than a tattoo!! I used to tease Mark when I was younger that I wanted a tattoo and he would get so mad at me. I guess we grew up in the day where the only people that had tattoos were guys in the service and motorcycle gangs. He did not think a tattoo was very ladylike and I agreed. I now know I was being judgmental and that people get tattoos for many reasons including remembering someone that is gone. Mark didn't have a problem with me getting it now and he might even get one. I love mine and what it represents. The tattoo parlor that I visited was everything I imagined and then some. Lots of skulls, a huge guy with long hair and a bandana around his head covered with tattoos, incense burning, and '70's music blasting. I felt like I was in an episode of Sons of Anarchy!! But, I have to tell you, Big Jeff, as my tattoo artist is known, was one of the sweetest men ever. His wife, Tammy, and his other artist, Marvin, were equally as nice and so sympathetic to our loss. I had found a tattoo online that I really liked and wanted to add Lauren's name to it. Big Jeff came up with the perfect design and I was so excited. I wasn't really scared because I knew I could handle how much it hurt because Lauren had handled so much more. And hurt it did, like having my arm cut with razor blades. I had to wince a few times and dig my hand into my leg, but I did it!!! Here is my beautiful tattoo.

My Dad had surgery on Aug. 2nd to repair his mitral valve in his heart. It was leaking very badly and probably was born that way, but his heart was enlarged and it was getting worse. The surgery went great and he was in the cardiac ICU where they woke him up, extubated him, and everything was great. He did have 2 drains in his chest, a big incision, ivs, and monitors. My Mom and I were there as well as my sister, Linda, and her husband, Wayne. Bruce and Kristen also came by after work. Linda and Wayne left for home that evening and my Mom and I stayed at Sis and Bruce's house. Bruce got a page early the next morning that my Dad was in trouble. He woke me and my Mom up and all I could think was "Please God, you already took Lauren. Don't take my Dad." I guess he was fine all night and then all of a sudden, he couldn't breathe. He thinks he passed out because he could not take one bit of air in and he was so scared. Both of his lungs had collapsed and emergency measures were taken to help him. He had to have two chest tubes put in to take the air out of his chest so the lungs could inflate. He also had to be intubated again. When we got there, he was sedated. It reminded me so much of Lauren all over again. But when the sedation started wearing off, he could hear us and shake his head and move his hands. How awful it is to be awake and have a breathing tube down your throat. That is one of my nightmares. He finally was able to breathe on his own and the tube was taken out. He was good as new in a few hours!! He is incredible. He stayed in the ICU until Tues. and was moved to the regular floor, where he went home on Thurs. and is doing great. Nothing like scaring us all to death and nobody knows why his lungs collapsed. Here are some pics.

 

Before surgery with Bruce, Lisa, Joel, and my Mom. Lisa is a good friend of Kristen's and is a cardiac fellow. Joel finished his cardiac fellowship and will be working with Kristen at St. Joe's.

Dad and his girls.



They gave my Dad a U of M coughing pillow and being the Buckeye that he is, he thought it was funny to do the O-H-I O. They didnt't find it too amusing up in Wolverine country, but we did.


 

Resting at Sis and Bruce's before going home.

I got home Friday afternoon and was so excited to see my doggies. I made Mark a home cooked meal since he didn't cook for himself the whole week I was gone. What would he do without me? We went to visit Wo at the cemetery and have every day since I have been back. I was pretty good up at the hospital. Only one meltdown. I think I was too busy worrying up there and didn't have a lot of time to think. Since being home, I am sad more, but better than I was. It is going to take a very long time. Her are a few pics of Lauren's grave and of course one of beautiful Wo. We have it decorated until her stone is finished. It is so peaceful there. That is about all for now. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

 

 

 

Small Update On My Dad

Hi Everyone,

For those of you that are friends with my Mom and Dad, here is an update on my Dad. As you know, my Mom doesn't hear very well,so it is easier if I do this than have her call everybody. My Dad's surgery went great and he was extubated and sitting in a chair when we left the hospital last night. Bruce got a page early this morning that my Dad was having troubles. He told the nurse that he wasn't feeling well and started having trouble breathing. His bp started to drop as well. They did a chest x-ray and found out he had air in his chest called a pneumothorax in both sides. They had to sedate him, put the breathing tube back in, and put two more chest tubes in. He is still sedated and on the ventilator, but can hear us and respond to us. They are going to slowly wean him off the vent. His surgeon was in this morning and said this sometimes can happen, but he will be fine. So, as of right now, he is good. Prayers for him are always welcome!! I will write a more in depth post once I have time.

Love,
-Pam

Another Week Gone By

Well, another week has gone by and we are still missing our sweet Wo. I don't feel much different than in weeks past, but I know it is still too early. Mark and I still meet each other at the cemetery after he leaves work. I told him that I think it makes me sadder to go there every day, but I still feel like I want to go. He says he needs to go there every day. We both talk to Lauren wherever we are, but just feel closer to her when we are there. It is very quiet and peaceful. We can't wait until her monument, headstone, whatever you want to call it is done. We have received sketches of the stone for approval and have sent it back three times with changes. We think we finally have what we want.

I went up to my Mom and Dad's this week on Tues. and stayed until Thurs. My sister, Linda, and my nephew, Michael also came up. We had fun swimming in their lake because it was so hot!! Their air conditioning was going on the fritz and it was 81 in their house. Good thing I took Lauren's trusty fan with me. She used to lug that thing everywhere so she could be cool. My Mom felt so bad because this happened, but I really didn't care. We went through the whole summer a few years back without air when ours broke. I think I could manage a few days!! They are going to have to buy a new unit and will probably do so in the near future. My Mom doesn't like air conditioning and really never gets hot. We never had it as a kid and we lived. Anyway, Thursday was my Mom's 78th birthday. Kristen and Bruce came from Michigan that evening to go to dinner with us. We went to a Mexican restaurant. I told Sis to tell Bruce to go to the restroom and on the way back tell them it was Grandma's birthday so they would sing to her. My Mom had no clue and neither did my Dad. After dinner, I heard the waiters banging tambourines and I knew what was coming. A bunch of them came out and sang to her, slapped a sombrero on her head, banged her head with a tambourine, and smeared whipped cream on her face. She didn't know what in the world was going on. We all laughed so hard, we were crying. It was hilarious and felt so good to really laugh. I know Lauren would have gotten the biggest kick out of it and she was probably watching the whole thing. Here are a few pics of my sweet Mom.

I love how Linda is laughing so hard she is crying!!

I met our friend, Lisa, for lunch yesterday at the Hartville Kitchen. She has the same cancer as Lauren and was going to be a bridesmaid in Lauren and Gio's wedding. This is the first time I had seen her since the calling hours for Lauren. We did ok together. Some crying, but we were ok. We had a nice lunch and even shared a piece of coconut cream pie. Yum. We went to the cemetery after lunch and Lisa brought flowers for Lauren. We could only stay there for a little while because it was unbearably hot in the middle of the afternoon. I thought it was so sweet that Lisa wanted to visit her gravesite. She is such a sweet lady and we all love her very much. here is a pic of the very last time Wo and Lisa had lunch together. I sure will miss those times and I know Lisa does too.

Two precious girls that really got what each other was going through.

I am continuing with the keeping busy thing and going to breakfast with my friends on Monday. We are blessed to have people that care about us. My Dad has been rescheduled for his surgery and it is now Aug. 2nd. I will be going to U of M to see him through along with my Mom, Linda and Wayne. Kristen and Bruce will be working, but will make it there sometime during the day. Mark cannot take more time off work since he took so much when Lauren was in the hospital. I hope Gio is doing well. He needs time away from us to heal and we are respecting his wishes. We sure do miss him and love him. That is about it for now. Thanks to all who are still supporting us. We love you. I will leave you with another pretty pic of Wo. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

We miss you so much, pretty girl!!

I Wonder What Wo Is Doing In Heaven

I wonder often what Wo is doing in heaven. Since being diagnosed with cancer, Lauren met lots of others with her cancer and some with different kinds. Many have passed away and left their families devastated and missing them like we miss our Wo. I wonder if they all see each other in heaven. This is how I imagine it. Lauren eats lunch every day with our friend, Sharon, a lovely lady who passed away last year from gall bladder cancer. She was my age and left behind a sweet daughter that was close to Lauren's age. Marta was a beautiful girl around Lauren's age that lost her life last year due to stomach cancer. She had a passion for hair and make up just like Wo did. I bet they spend time doing each other's hair, make up, and nails. They reminded me so much of each other. I'm sure they are best friends. Kim, a gorgeous lady with a personality to match, passed away last year from Cholangiocarcinoma, the same cancer Wo had. She left behind two teenage daughters. She was a radio show host and friend to all. I'm sure she is taking great care of Lauren because she was such a role model to her and tried to help any way possible when Lauren was diagnosed. Our pal, Cindy, was a wife, mother, and grandma. What a dear, sweet lady she was. She passed this year from Cholangiocarcinoma as well.  She had many talents including card making and gardening. I am sure she has a garden in heaven and teaches Lauren how to grow things. I know she has met other friends that passed recently too from Cholangiocarcinoma like Tim, Trevor, Ryan, Diana, Susan, Diarmuid, Sara, Joe, Jim and so many others whose wives, husbands, sisters, brothers and children are friends of ours on FB or cc.org and those that passed a few years ago like Shirley, Teddy, Jack and so many more. I'm sure all her great grandparents are taking good care of her as well as my cousin, Rick and my Aunt Betty.

Mark and I are still having a very difficult time. It seems each day gets harder than the day before. I see people at the store with two little girls and that makes me sad. I hear someone yelling at their child and that makes me sad. I hear a song on the radio and that makes me sad. I get in our pool and that makes me sad because Lauren was so excited for summer. I get the mail and there is a bridal magazine and that makes me sad. I went in Lauren's room this week to start cleaning it up and totally had a breakdown when I saw all of her things. They all reminded me of fun times we had in the past. She never just bought one of anything. It will take forever to organize all her stuff. She was always planning for the future. Will we ever be ok? Will this pain go away?

I am going to my Mom and Dad's next week for a few days and so is my sister. She is always fun to be around so I am sure she will try and cheer me up. I feel bad leaving Mark and Ryan, but I think it will be good for me. Kristen and Bruce are going to come over for an evening. Sis is so busy with studying for boards and all the orientation stuff for her new job. Plus, on top of that, last weekend she had a kidney stone. She is feeling better, but those are so painful. My Dad and I are also lucky to have had them. I still can't decide which hurts worse, having a baby or a kidney stone!!

The Italian Festival is going on this weekend. Lauren absolutely loved going to this every year with Gio. So much Italian food, music, and spectacular fireworks. We don't think we are going this year. I think it would be way too hard for us and I don't feel like trying to fight back tears all night. I know Gio, his Dad, and brother are working it this year. His Dad and brother work there every year at the Carovillese Club booth selling sausage sandwiches. Gio is working at the beer truck with Bruno's fiance and a bunch of her friends. We are happy they are keeping Gio busy. We sure miss seeing him every day and hope he is doing well.

That is about it for this week. We are excited that there is no rain in the forecast for the near future!! Mark and I will probably hang by the pool this weekend with our pups. Maybe Ryan will join us when he is not working at the bike shop or hanging out with friends. I hope you all have a great weekend. I will leave you with a pic I stumbled across while looking back at Wo's Fb page. I found a few I had never seen before, each more beautiful than the last. We sure do love that girl. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Still Heartbroken

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all of your continued thoughts and prayers. Things are not much better around here. I'm sorry to say that, but they aren't. This is my place to come and let out my pain. I do not post on Facebook about how I am feeling, so if this is too downer for you, I suggest you don't read it. The fact is Mark and I miss our daughter more than ever. Nothing makes us feel better and the pain is always there. People have told us that in time, the pain will diminish. It will have to because we can't live in this hurt forever. Sure, we carry on with our day to day tasks and visit the cemetery every day, but the joy of life is gone for the moment. I know, you all tell me that Lauren is in a better place and she is not in pain anymore. This is true, but I am sure she would love to be planning her wedding, swimming in her pool, eating great food and spending time with her family and her love, Giovanni. Life is simply not fair and we have to learn to accept what has happened. I think that will take a mighty long time.

My Dad's surgery has been postponed for a bit because he had poison ivy and the doctor was not totally convinced that it wasn't shingles. So, until it is totally gone, no surgery. A compromised immune system is not good when replacing a mitral valve. He is kind of happy because now he can do more work on his house!! I swear, he never stops.

We didn't do much for the 4th. Mark wanted ribs from Old Carolina and they had an ad on the radio that they were $10 a slab instead of the regular $19.99 a slab. He called and ordered four slabs and we had a pick up tme of 2:30. He was busy pruning trees with Ryan, so I went to pick them up. It was total chaos and the take out line was moving at a snail's pace. I was next in line and the manager announced that they were out of ribs and that they didn't even have enough to fill any more take out orders. Great!! She did give us a coupon for four free slabs, but it kind of put a damper on our plans. I stopped and got burgers on the way home, since I didn't have anything thawed. Needless to say, nobody was very thrilled. It was rainy, so we decided not to go to fireworks.

Mark wanted to take me out to dinner last night since we never celebrated my birthday this year. It was on Lauren's surgery day. We got dressed up and he took me to my favorite restaurant, Desert Inn. It was delish. We had filets and they bring out a big tray filled with Syrian rice, Greek salad, garlic bread, and broasted potatoes. Yum!!! I had baklava for dessert and Mark had German chocolate cake with ice cream. We talked a lot about Lauren through dinner and cried a few times as well.

Today, we are getting our ribs that we wanted a few days ago. I am making a cake and we are celebrating Ryan and my birthdays. He was 22 on June 21, but was on vacation with Stephanie and her family at the time. It is still rainy here. I wish this stupid front would go away so we could enjoy our summer.

I had a message on Facebook from the girl that runs TMT Rescue. This was one of the charities we had requested donations be sent to in memory of Lauren. It is a rescue group that rescues dogs from unfavorable conditions, fosters them and gives them medical care, and finds them forever homes. With the money that was donated in Lauren's name, they were able to rescue two dogs. We love dogs so much and Lauren would be so happy to know that she saved two dogs and they will be placed in loving homes!!!  Thank you to all who donated!

Thanks to everyone who has donated to the Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation as well. Hopefully, a cure will be found for this horrible disease.

I will have to hunt around in my picture library for something to post. Maybe a blast from the past from Ryan's birthday in a past year.

Thanks for reading and putting up with my venting. I feel a little better right now. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Ryan celebrating his birthday and Wo, who was always by his side.

Hurting More As Time Goes By

Hi Everyone,

Sorry to say that things are not getting better for us. I'm sure things will get worse before getting better. We miss our Wo so much and nothing seems to help us. I'm sure we are going through the grief process and it will take time to feel better. I have a lot of uncontrollable crying and Mark has a lot of anger and sadness. Gio is just beside himself. Ryan has been on vacation with Stephanie's family, so I am not sure how he's doing. He keeps things inside most of the time anyway. Sis just finished her last day of residency on Friday and will be studying all of July for boards. She starts her new job in August, so she is pretty busy. Bruce starts his last year and new job as Chief Resident. Yay for him! My Dad will be having heart surgery at U of M on July 9th to repair a leaky mitral valve. Say a prayer for him, please. I will be going up to be with him and my Mom. Linda and Wayne will also be coming up. He will probably bounce back very quickly since he is the most fit 81 year old I have ever seen. He just had a heart cath done Friday and he is already getting antsy to paint his whole huge deck when he should be resting. You cannot make him sit still for a second!! I am very thankful for my little pooches, Peanut and Penny. They keep me company during the day and comfort me when I cry. They are so sweet. We are going to plant some really pretty rose bushes today that we bought last weekend. We bought them because they are flashy like Wo. Two different shades of hot pink!! I did have my first dream about Lauren last night. She was sitting in an auditorium and I could only see her from the back, but I knew it was her. I thought I would see a lot more signs from her. Other than the pennies right around her funeral time, not much. I am still looking and still believe. I just want to know that she is ok in heaven. Please cherish every day you have with your children. Here is a poem from my good pal, Lainy, from the cholangiocarcinoma website. She always knows just what to say.


 Think about the good times, not the bad,
Laugh at the weird things we did, cry at the sad.
I will be with you in heart, mind, and spirit.
When you need someone to talk to I'll be there listening.
When you are awarded for your success I'll be there smiling proudly.
When you get married I'll be there crying tears of joy.
When you need me most I'll always be there.
I want you to be happy I don't want you to cry over me.
I don't want you to spend your lives in misery.
I want you to move on in your lives. Think of me and smile!
Ours was a great experience of a loving family.
Of love that will last an eternity even though I am gone.
It is only goodbye for a short time for we will see each other again.
Know when the wind blows or the sun shines only on you
That it is me standing next to you.

I hope next time I post that we are all a tiny bit better. Thanks for continuing to care.

Love,
-Pam

This is how I will always remember Wo. The life of the party!!