I'm So Glad This Past Week Is Over

Hi Everyone,

Well, I made it through last week!! I have to say it was so difficult and so emotional. I worked most of the days and I would get teary there every day. One of the days, a cashier asked how I was (My standard answer is usually "Good, how are you?"), but this day I said "Not great." She asked why and I told her that my daughter had passed away in the summer from cancer and that Saturday was to have been her wedding day. There are only a few people at work that know this and I don't go around telling everyone. I busted out crying and she said she was so sorry. This guy that is in charge of memberships came up to us to tell us something and saw that I was crying. He said, "Oh, I am not very good at handling emotional stuff" and turned away. A couple other cashiers came over to see what was wrong. He came back and said that he was sorry and didn't know what to do. Another cashier walked toward me and hugged me and said "This is what you do." It is so weird how uncomfortable some people are with their feelings. I try very hard never to become emotional at work, but this day it was just too much. I left every day last week crying as soon as I hit the door and cried all the way home. My eyelids looked like water balloons. I was a mess. Friday and Saturday were the absolute worst days because I was thinking about how happy Wo would have been.

Mark sat me down and we had a huge chat. I have to try to be happy or he is afraid I will die from my unhappiness. I have to let go of hoping Gio will ever be in our lives again. The reason Gio was in our lives was because of Lauren and now she is not here, so he needs his own life. It is like I am grieving him as well. I keep saying that I want Lauren back and he keeps telling me that will never happen. I told him that I cannot go on being this sad and all I want is to be happy. I am the only one that can do this. So far, yesterday and today, I have been some better. I try to focus on the good things and try to push the bad thoughts away. I was watching the Olympics one night and a mom of a snowboarder that had died of a head injury was being interviewed. The interviewer asked her if losing her daughter was the worst thing she could imagine. She said no. The worst thing would be never to have had all the years she had with her daughter and she was grateful for all of them. This is how I have to think. I had so many wonderful times with Wo. I need to focus on those instead of the sad times. I think what is holding me back is the hurt of not being able to see her, talk to her, or hug her. I do talk to her all the time, but I wish she could answer. If I am not feeling better soon, I may seek professional help and see about switching medication that I am on because it is not working anymore.

Sometimes I cannot believe I write about such personal things, but it is my choice to reveal my thoughts to you. I don't talk about my family's personal feelings because that is private and only something they can talk about if they wish to. Also, if you are sick of hearing what I talk about you can quit reading this blog. But, by the number of people that are reading, you must find it interesting. I hope you are getting a first hand view and realize that family is everything and children are so precious.

Here is to feeling better and being happy!! I will leave you with some great pics. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support on Facebook.

Love,
-Pam

Sis and Wo one Halloween as old ladies. Ryan was an M&M. I can still hear them doing the Dany Carvey "church lady." Isn't that special.

Wo and I used to work at the same grocery store, Giant Eagle. On my 50th birthday, she gave me flowers, balloons, and a gigantic card. She was always so thoughtful and caring as are my other children. I love them all so much.

Sad For the Day That Will Never Be

Hi Everyone,

I think this is the hardest week I have had so far and it is only Tuesday. It is not just because of my grief, but because of my feeling bad for poor Wo. She was supposed to be getting married this Saturday to her beloved Giovanni. I know Giovanni now has his own life and is moving on to try and find happiness. I think that is great and I wish him all the best. I will always love that kid with all my heart. I just can't get past Lauren not being able to have her one day that she wanted more than anything. It seems she always got dealt the bad hand her whole life. From having seizures when she was a toddler to being teased about her weight when she was in school, she has always faced hardship. Gio was her bright spot. Life was never fair for Lauren, but she never lost her optimism or her smile. She and I had so many plans for the future. She wanted 6 boys and I was going to help take care of them. She wanted them to all have Italian names. She wanted to cook big dinners and have us over to her and Gio's house. She wanted us to be together every day while the men were at work. And now it is all gone. We did have Lauren's wedding dress and veil buried with her. I hope somehow in heaven she can wear it. I can honestly say now that I think I have sunk to my lowest low so there is nowhere to go but up. I sure hope it happens soon, because the pain is almost unbearable. I don't want pity or sympathy. I just want to not be in pain anymore and to find joy again. That is it. I have a wonderful husband that loves me so much and two living children that need me to be a good Mom to them. I have a son-in-law that loves my daughter and Ryan has a dear girlfriend. I have two sweet chihuahuas that love nothing better than to sit on my lap. I have an old dog that finds comfort when I am around. I am lucky to still have my Mom and Dad who always worry if I am ok and are so sweet. And I have a terrific sister, brother-in-law, two nephews, a niece, and baby to-be coming in May. I am so blessed to have all of them, but it will just take time to fill the gaping hole in my heart that is called Wo.

That is all for now. I will try my hardest to have more uplifting posts in the future, but right now I can't promise anything. I will leave you with a few pictures of my choice. Thank you for your support and caring.

Love,
-Pam

Lauren was head over heels for Gio.

 



I miss this girl so much.

Wo and Sis. Sisters forever.

Another Month Without Wo

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. It has been pretty quiet around here. We are just trying to get through this winter and dreaming of spring! At least we have had some sunny days, which seems to make this weather more tolerable. I have been watching a lot of the Olympics, but I don't have the excitement for it like I used to. I'm sure like with everything I do, it is because Wo is not here.

You all know that I am not loving my job, so I have been applying different places. I feel I am safe talking about this here and nobody will see this where I work because it is fairly hard to get to know people like at past jobs. We are usually really busy and don't have idle time to get to know anybody. I was excited to see an ad in the paper for a doggie daycare. I have always said that would be my ideal job. Playing with dogs all day!! Nothing better. The position had already been filled. Darn. I did have an interview at a large touristy restaurant near me, but they are very conservative and I definitely am not. I told them I wanted to work in the bakery or the gift shop. It was a very grueling interview with an HR person and some guy that must have been an executive. I was thinking, "Are you kidding me, I'm not applying to be CEO of your company!!" Just a pie maker. Haha!! I did ok on the interview until the last question. They asked if I had any visible tattoos. I said that I did and showed them my tattoo I have with Lauren's name. I said I got it in memory of my daughter who died from cancer. They looked kind of uncomfortable and said that they would need to do a second interview and they would call me if I was chosen for that within three weeks. Well, it has been two weeks and I have not been called. I don't want to work anywhere where a tattoo is a deal breaker. Good grief, this is 2014, not 1950!!!

Mark and I have been having a very hard time lately dealing with Wo's death. It was the eight month anniversary of her passing on Sunday. We visit her grave every day, but Sunday was especially difficult. Since we got the lantern for her grave, Mark makes sure the candle is always burning. I think we have gone through four or five already!! The ache in our hearts from missing her is unbearable at times. I just want to hug her and kiss her and smell her hair. I want to hear her laugh her precious laugh and see her face light up when Gio comes over. I want to see her walk through the door with tons of bags of "stuff" she bought at Marcs because she might need one more nail file or mascara. She probably had 15 more still in the package in her room!! She was one of a kind.

I will look through my picture files and find one that jumps out at me. Thank you for continuing to support us through this difficult time. I am still getting many views of this blog. I am up to over 129,000 views. That is amazing! As long as people are reading, I will write. If one person can find some kind of help or comfort in reading my blog, that is all that matters. Love to all of you,

-Pam

Wo with her Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron. They have always been there for us and we are forever grateful!!

I couldn't resist this one. It is so sweet. Lauren and Mark.

World Cancer Day and Cholangiocarcinoma Awareness Month: Wish We Didn't Need Either of Them

Hi Everyone,

Well, today is World Cancer Day. It is a day to promote awareness and remember all those that it has taken, those fighting, and those that have won. I wish we never had to have a day like this and that their was no such word as cancer. It is also Cholangiocarcinoma Awareness Month. I definitely wish their was no such word as Cholangiocarcinoma because then Lauren would still be here. But cancer does exist and we must fight for a cure. Hopefully, we will see it in our lifetime.

The holidays are over and I wanted to decorate Lauren's grave with something festive for Valentine's Day. Lauren loved every holiday and always made them special. Valentine's Day was directed mostly at Gio, but we usually got some leftover cookies that she made. She was always making cookies!! So, I made a heart shaped wreath, and bought a lantern that would hold a candle. Mark had looked at grave candles online and they are so expensive. I found an inexpensive but nice one at Flower Factory. I have a ton of huge candles, so they will go to good use. We will always have a candle burning at Wo's grave. This makes Mark so happy, especially when he goes to her grave every morning before work. I usually go after work because I cry every time I go there and I don't want to look a mess at work. We went shopping last Saturday and found these really cool LED lights that look like starbursts and change color. I knew Wo would love them. Of course, when I was putting them together I busted one, but Mark fixed it as usual! You can see one is missing the starburst at the top in the picture. I also found a pink twisty thing that twirls in the wind. Her grave looks beautiful. I posted this on Facebook, but for some of you this is your first look at this.

We are supposed to get a big snowstorm tonight. I hope it doesn't get too bad. I cannot wait until spring!!

Kristen had posted about Cholangiocarcinoma Awareness Month on Facebook and Lauren's surgeon, Dr. Sonnenday, posted a very sweet message. He wrote: Lauren lives on in many ways, but inspiring us to find the answer to this disease is a mighty one. I think of her every day. He tried so hard to help her and we are so grateful for his effort. I really miss taking Wo to U of M for treatments and doctor visits. I felt like we were really doing something to kill her cancer. We had a lot of special moments there. We found sandwiches in a vending machine there that we liked better than the cafeteria food. There would usually only be one of the ones that we both like best, but I would always make sure Lauren had it. She would always laugh at me when I would sit there and pretend pout because I had to eat the crappy sandwich. Wow, crazy to say that I miss her chemo days!! I miss everything about her. 

I was going through old pictures and I found this one that I love. It was windy and my hair was going crazy. Wo was trying to help get it under control. I miss every moment we ever spent together, but at least I have some pictures and my memories. That is about it for today. Thanks for continuing to be interested in what I write. Love to all of you,

-Pam

 

I Wish The Bad Memories Would Go Away

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. Our family is doing ok. Not great, just ok. Winter is a depressing enough time as it is and then add on grieving a daughter and sister. Not fun.

 I had a wonderful lunch yesterday with my dear friend, Debbie. We sat and talked and talked, for about 3 hours!! She has always been there for me and is a true friend.

PLEASE DON'T READ THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU ARE EASILY UPSET.









I told Debbie that besides just missing Lauren, I wish I could get the bad stuff out of my head. I close my eyes and see Lauren laying in her hospital bed with so many tubes and the respirator. I see her body swollen so much that her poor legs look like they will split open. I see her involuntarily open her eyes and the whites are pure red.I see a blank stare and wonder if she was still there. I see her in her coffin and her mouth doesn't look right. I wonder why it is like that. I remember how cold her body was and still to this day wonder if she is cold. I wonder if she wants to come back to us and can't. I wonder if she cries for us as we cry for her.I know heaven is this glorious place, but I just can't wrap my head around that yet. I hope one day I can.











I miss the everyday time I spent with Wo. Making her scrambled eggs with cheese the way she liked them and being the only one that could make them just right. Going to the grocery store and out to lunch. Trying to lose weight together. I remember the time we tried Alli, a diet pill that would make you "shart" if you ate too much fat. We were on our 2 mile walk and all the sudden, I had to go and we had to cut through yards in the neighborhood to get home in time. We were laughing so hard and I was in pain. I miss that wonderful laugh of hers. I miss watching tv shows with her, especially funny shows. She would laugh so hard and that me laugh more than the show! I miss her and Gio teasing each other and then it escalating to tickling and wrestling. I found it annoying at the time, but would give anything to hear them again.

I feel like I have just been through a therapy session! Thank you all for continuing to read this blog. It really is my therapy. I can say whatever is on my mind and I feel better afterwards. I also feel I am letting you know what it feels like to lose a child. Just as I thankfully do not know what it is like to lose a parent or sibling, many of you hopefully do not know what it feels like to lose a child. I know I probably upset some of you that read "the paragraph" and for that I am sorry.

 I think this is the thing I will miss the most. Wo and I loved the beach and we would sit on our little beach chairs right at the point where the water met the beach and we would bake away in the sun. This is us on our last time at Myrtle Beach.

 

 

That is about all I have for now. As always, I will leave you with a pic of Wo. I am going to find one that catches my eye. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Love that face!!

I Got Nothing...But I Can Always Talk About Wo!!

Hi Everyone,

I know it is time for a new post, but I must be having what they call writer's block. I can't think of a darn thing. So, I decided to just start typing in hopes that something might pop into this tired, old head of mine. Still nothing. Hmmmmm. I guess it is because this time of year is so boring. Every year this time of year makes me just want to sleep the time away. When Lauren was alive, she still managed to brighten up days with her pizzazzy style. It makes me smile when I think of Ms. Bling.
Here are some examples:



Sequin shirts and earrings the size of Texas!

Hot pink and purple highlights and ear bling!

 

Eyeshadow to match the dress.

Fancy purses!

 

Crazy high heels!

 

Movie star sunglasses and bright pink lipstick!

 

Never a dull moment with Lauren around. She lit up a room like no other and I'm sure her star is one of the brightest in heaven. I found this little cartoon and it describes Lauren to a "T".

 

Wo was one of a kind and will never be forgotten.

Nothing much going on around here. The family is all fine. I guess I better go get all my Christmas stuff put away. Yes, that is right. I still haven't put it away. I am a bit of a procrastinator. Until next time, I hope you are all in good health, safe, and happy.

Love,
-Pam

50 Things About Wo

Hi Everyone,

Happy New Year! Last year was the worst year ever for our family, so we are hoping this year will be much better. New Year's Eve was very difficult to get through. I made dinner at home as usual and we watched the New Year's shows on tv. I saw all the people on tv laughing and smiling and I wondered when we will ever be happy like that again. I hope so much that one day we will be able to laugh and smile like that with joy in our hearts rather than sorrow. It really broke my heart to know that 2013 was the last year Lauren will ever know. She had so many plans for happy times in 2014, especially her getting married to the love of her life. I pray every night that she is happy in Heaven, but I have a hard time believing she is happy without Gio or her family. Since the holidays are winding down, I hope we will be able to feel some better, but I just don't see that happening quite yet. Lauren is constantly on our minds and we feel such a sense of loss and heartbreak. Since this blog is about Lauren, I thought it would be kind of fun to tell you more about her. So, I will tell you 50 things you may or may not know about Lauren. Here goes!!

1. She was born on March 6th, Mark's birthday!

2. She hated mushrooms.

3. She loved watching shows on the Disney channel.

4. She hated clowns and was terrified of them.

5. She could hit a baseball really far.

6. Wo loved to swim and could swim like a fish.

7. She was 5'9" tall.

8. Her favorite colors were black, red, and white.

9. She loved boy bands like 'NSync, O-Town, and One Direction.

10. She always had a smile that could light up a room.

11. She always wanted to be Italian.

12. She once dyed her hair black.

13. Wo loved mac and cheese.

14. She couldn't stand people that were fake or out for their own glory and could spot them from a mile away.

15. Lauren loved to bake, especially cookies.

16. She loved anything blingy and sparkly.

17. Her favorite flowers were red roses.

18. The cologne she liked the best was Lucky.

19. She loved spending time at her Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron's house.

20. When Lauren went shopping and found something on sale, she wouldn't just buy one. She would buy one in every color.

21. Lauren always wanted a Scion XB.

22. She did not like scary movies and was the most scared of Michael Myers.

23. She liked to drive fast and take corners even faster!

24. She loved Coach purses and thought she found her dream job when she landed a job at a Coach store, only to realize she hated high pressure sales and enjoyed working in the stockroom the best.

25. Diet Mountain Dew was her favorite and it was the first thing she asked for after her first surgery.

26. She did not like school at all and was so happy once she graduated.

27. She always looked up to her big sister, Kristen, and loved her very much.

28. She bought tons of high heels but rarely wore them because she felt like a giant.

29. She had a passion for beauty, and could put make-up on and look beautiful like no other. She also had a natural beauty and looked great without make-up as well.

30. She did not like when strangers got too close to her. She would give them the "back off" look.

31. She had the messiest bedroom I have ever seen.

32. She had a knack for sewing and could just whip things up.

33. She wanted to have 6 boys and name them all Italian names.

34. Lauren loved candy, especially super sour candy.

35. She loved huge earrings and is the only person that could pull them off without looking totally ridiculous. If I had to guess, she has over 200 pair.

36. She loved her baby brother, Ryan, and would do anything for him.

37. We have three dogs, but her favorite was Penny. Penny would always sit right with Lauren when she was sick and sleep all night right next to her in her bed.

38. Wo never complained when she was sick. She was always the strongest one in the family to deal with her cancer and always believed she would get better.

40. She always wanted to be a cashier when she was little and wanted a real cash register.

42. She broke her arm twice. Once when she stood up in a baby swing as she was going away from me and fell out and once when she was climbing up the front porch to get away from a dog while on roller skates.

43. She thought her Aunt Linda and Uncle Wayne were hilarious and loved them so much.

44. She loved when Gio's Mom made her espresso and she got all hyper.

45. She had great friends and loved having parties with them at Gio's house.

46. Her laugh made everyone else laugh.

47. She loved to shop and would come home with things for all of us that she knew we would love.

48. She welcomed the new people that came into our family, Bruce, Steph, and Katie, and loved them like family.

49. Her favorite person in the whole wide world was Gio. I think this year would have been their 9th year together. They were so adorable together. I loved him like he was my own. I still do, but never see him anymore. They were to be married Feb. 23rd of this year. It would have been the happiest day of their lives.

50. Family was everything to Wo. And she was everything to us.

This is just the tip of the iceberg with Lauren. I could go on and on with little nuggets about her. She was so much fun to be with and we will never be the same without her. God bless our dear daughter in heaven. My hope is that nobody else ever has to feel the pain we are feeling. I wish you all the happiest, best year ever. Thank you for continuing to read my blog as I keep Lauren's memory alive.

Love,
-Pam

Last year. Wo was so excited for the future!