Monday, April 28, 2014

Daggers In My Heart

Hi Everyone! It is a crummy, rainy day today and that matches my foul mood. I am still doing better than before, but some days are still very difficult. I guess you could say that frequently I feel daggers in my heart.

Nothing will help except if Lauren could come back. And I know that is not going to happen, so maybe time will help.

I have noticed that I am crying more often again and things are bothering me. I put on my happy face at work, but sometimes I am so on the verge of busting out crying. The other day I saw a lady that used to live in our neighborhood and she hadn't heard that Lauren had passed. I told her and said that I am doing much better now. Her response was, "I would never feel better if one of my children died." I'm sure I am being overly sensitive, but to me that meant that she felt she loved her children more. Umm, sorry lady. That's not possible.

I see so many moms  my age with daughters my girls' ages with babies and small children. That causes me the greatest pain because I know that is impossible with Wo. I'm hopeful with Sis, but they will probably never live near us. I am so grateful to still have two wonderful children, but I feel so bad sometimes that my grief for Wo overshadows them.

On a lighter note, we have been working on Wo's memorial garden. We have it dug in the shape of a heart. We still have to get the brick for around it and pick out flowers. We bought and Mark planted a weeping cherry tree. It is fairly small, but it is perfect. I will post pics of the progress when it is done.

Maybe I shouldn't have written this today because I am in a bit of a funk. I just want to share my feelings and I guess you get the good with the bad. I feel that I am making progress, but losing a child is the greatest pain I could ever imagine.

Take care, everyone and thanks for all of your support.

So beautiful!!


  1. I want to start with...I still cannot believe she is gone. For the short time that I knew still hurts me. So with saying that...could not ever imagine how much hurt you must feel losing a child. Please, please, please do not ever feel bad for any of your feelings!! You are such a sweet person that you feel you must apologize for how you feel. You should never do that. What you feel is what you feel!! Let it happen and just keep going.

    Sometimes when our loved ones's difficult to understand how others act the way they do. Trust me...I have dealt with that as well. You will never understand it so it's best to just let that go. I know it's hard Pam.

    I love that you still write and check in...and post beautiful pictures of your girl.

    Can't wait to see pictures of the garden. Sounds lovely!!!



  2. Oh Pam. I'm so sorry for you pain. Talk about how people react to death; my mom would never have a picture of my brother around EVER till the day she died. She wouldn't come to my house if I had a picture of him out. I never understood it. Everyone has their own way of dealing, I guess. Even if we don't understand it. Too bad it has to hurt you, though. uggghhh Take your time and heal YOUR way. I will always remember you all in my prayers for healing. Love you, Marsha

  3. Pam, as you can see by the posts, you are not alone. I too have experienced things similar to what both Teresa and Marsha have mentioned, along with many other situations. I don't understand it either. Don't know if people just don't think or truly don't get it. If they have never lost someone close to them they have no idea of what we are feeling. If they have and deal with it differently they us, it is hard to understand, but I agree that everyone deals differently with death and grief. I too had a hard time of it in the beginning and some things still hurt, but like you I ha e heard not to let it show. Maybe we need to let people know how we feel and how what they say and do affects us. Not sure it would help tho'. You have the right to your feelings and to express them. Sorry this put you in a funk, but I am glad that you are doing better over all. I too look forward to seeing those pictures of the garden. Love & Hugs, Darla