Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I Wish The Bad Memories Would Go Away

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. Our family is doing ok. Not great, just ok. Winter is a depressing enough time as it is and then add on grieving a daughter and sister. Not fun.

 I had a wonderful lunch yesterday with my dear friend, Debbie. We sat and talked and talked, for about 3 hours!! She has always been there for me and is a true friend.


I told Debbie that besides just missing Lauren, I wish I could get the bad stuff out of my head. I close my eyes and see Lauren laying in her hospital bed with so many tubes and the respirator. I see her body swollen so much that her poor legs look like they will split open. I see her involuntarily open her eyes and the whites are pure red.I see a blank stare and wonder if she was still there. I see her in her coffin and her mouth doesn't look right. I wonder why it is like that. I remember how cold her body was and still to this day wonder if she is cold. I wonder if she wants to come back to us and can't. I wonder if she cries for us as we cry for her.I know heaven is this glorious place, but I just can't wrap my head around that yet. I hope one day I can.

I miss the everyday time I spent with Wo. Making her scrambled eggs with cheese the way she liked them and being the only one that could make them just right. Going to the grocery store and out to lunch. Trying to lose weight together. I remember the time we tried Alli, a diet pill that would make you "shart" if you ate too much fat. We were on our 2 mile walk and all the sudden, I had to go and we had to cut through yards in the neighborhood to get home in time. We were laughing so hard and I was in pain. I miss that wonderful laugh of hers. I miss watching tv shows with her, especially funny shows. She would laugh so hard and that me laugh more than the show! I miss her and Gio teasing each other and then it escalating to tickling and wrestling. I found it annoying at the time, but would give anything to hear them again.

I feel like I have just been through a therapy session! Thank you all for continuing to read this blog. It really is my therapy. I can say whatever is on my mind and I feel better afterwards. I also feel I am letting you know what it feels like to lose a child. Just as I thankfully do not know what it is like to lose a parent or sibling, many of you hopefully do not know what it feels like to lose a child. I know I probably upset some of you that read "the paragraph" and for that I am sorry.

 I think this is the thing I will miss the most. Wo and I loved the beach and we would sit on our little beach chairs right at the point where the water met the beach and we would bake away in the sun. This is us on our last time at Myrtle Beach.


That is about all I have for now. As always, I will leave you with a pic of Wo. I am going to find one that catches my eye. Until next time...


Love that face!!


  1. Pam, my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine your pain, but I know God will help you through it if you let Him. Maybe if you watch movies of Lauren and look at funny pics of her when you're having these bad memories, maybe they will go away, even if it's just for a short while. I pray for healing & peace for you and your family! HUGS

  2. Pam, no need to apologize for "that paragraph" or anything else! Every person grieves differently, and no way is wrong. Unfortunately, in my experience, only time will ease your pain. We are still thinking about and praying for you, your family and Gio. Lots of love is being sent your way!