One Year

It is 12:00 midnight as I start this post. I can't sleep as so many things are running through my head. I feel bad that I just called off work for tomorrow. I really don't have it in me to go there and act like everything is great and be so cheerful. I did have the good sense to request Monday off, as it is the one year anniversary of Lauren's death. Mark said tonight that he thinks I am way better than I was six months ago. True, I don't sit and cry for hours each day, but I still feel as though I have a broken heart and miss Wo more each day. I will never get over the fact that she is gone. I still hope she will walk through the front door every day and think about her hundreds of times each day. I never ever thought this nightmare would happen to us.

I find it harder each day to have hope about this horrible cancer called Cholangiocarcinoma. It seems as though someone that I know or know of dies every week or so. This cancer is one of the absolute worst cancers there are. The suffering these poor people have to endure is gut wrenching. I do have a few friends that are doing well and I am grateful for that. I find it all too much to deal with at times so I have pulled away from the website where I am a moderator. I had so much hope that Lauren would pull through and live a long, happy life. My hope faded when that wish became impossible.

I'm not sure what Mark and I will do on Monday. I'm sure we will talk a lot about Wo. But, we do that every day. Not just about Wo, but Sis and Ryan too. We had a bonfire tonight and roasted hot dogs. Our kids loved having bonfires when they were younger. Wo always had to have tarps layed on the ground and sleeping bags, pillows, and blankets put on top of them. We would lay out there and talk and eat. We would lay on our backs and look for shooting stars. Usually, we would all fall asleep snuggled under the blankets until Mark woke us up. Now it is just Mark and I. It seems so quiet without all the kids giggling. I sure miss having them all around. Ryan still lives here, but he is always out and about.

As always, thank you for caring enough to even read my blog. I know this will be a tough week, but we will manage. I will leave you with a few pics of our sweet girl. Say a few prayers that she is happy in heaven and that she knows how much we love and miss her.

Love,
-Pam

The whole family.

Wo and Papa Ron.

Wo, Sis, Ryan, and Grandma Tommie in Sis's dorm room at UT.