Everything Is Different

Hi Everyone,

I hope you all had a blessed Christmas with family and friends. Our Christmas was nice, but so different this year. We had Christmas with the whole family (my sister and her family, my parents, and our whole family) on Sunday at my Mom and Dad's house. This was the only day our whole family could be together. Kristen and Bruce had to work on Christmas so we didn't get to see them. One of the bad things about being a doctor is that people need you every day, not just when it is convenient!! I am happy they were helping others though. We don't have a traditional meal when we all get together at my Mom and Dad's. We all bring snacks. I think we were all in a cheese coma by the time we left!! Here are a few pics of our Christmas together.

Bruce and Kristen, Grandma Tommie and the backs of Steph and Ryan.

Katie, Matt, Michael, and Wayne (My sister, Linda's, family.) Little Stinky is laying next to Wayne.

 

Ryan and Stephanie ( Linda in the background being Santa).

 

Mark with a beautiful snowglobe from Sis and Bruce.

Sis and Bruce with presents wrapped in Boston Terrier paper from Stephanie.

My Mom and Dad came down to our house on Christmas Eve and stayed overnight. I am so happy they were with us. I think we would have been so sad if it would have been just Mark and I, Ryan and Steph. We had lots of food on Christmas Eve and a huge brunch of sausage, egg, and cheese casserole, cheesy potatoes, and coffee cake. Before we ate and opened gifts, we went to the cemetery to see Wo. Mark and I had taken a lantern up to her grave the night before. It burned all night. Others had candles lit at their loved ones gravesites. We miss Wo so much, but know she is in a perfect place. They say that people that have passed give us signs that they are around us through coins, feathers, time, and butterflies, ladybugs, etc. Well, in this past week I looked at the time on my register at work for no reason. Once it was 1:11, and then it was 3:33. Yesterday, I happened to look at the stove and it was 4:44. Crazy, huh. There was a ladybug on the ceiling yesterday and one on my blanket as well. You might all think I am nuts to believe in this stuff, but if you have lost someone, it brings enormous comfort to get these signs. I always smile, chuckle to myself, and say thanks to Wo. Here are a few pics from yesterday.

Saying hi to our precious Wo.

This is the first time my Mom and Dad saw Lauren's stone. They loved it!!

 

Our beautiful tree.

 

So happy they were here with us!!

For many years we took pictures of the kids sitting on the steps before they opened their presents. We couldn't deal with only having poor Ryan in the photo this year, so we have retired the idea. One year Sis had to work and couldn't be here on Christmas. We thought that was sad. Now, with Wo gone, it is way too painful. Here are some wonderful memories from years past.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had a nice time opening presents. My Mom and Dad left to go to Linda and Wayne's house. We watched Christmas movies all day. I think my favorite is Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase. The Santa Clause is up there too. We had a quiet dinner. I was more upset the days before Christmas than the actual day. Even though I missed Wo and seeing Sis and Bruce, I felt kind of peaceful. Grief is a very strange thing. It hits you at the weirdest times. I am grateful that it didn't hit too hard yesterday. I hope you all appreciated the time you spent with loved ones, because it is by far the greatest gift we could ever receive. God bless you all and have a wonderful New Year!!

Love,
-Pam

Missing Wo

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am just not in the holiday spirit, but still trying to keep with tradition for Lauren's sake and the rest of my family. I am missing the JOY and excitement our family used to have during the holiday season. I guess grief takes over most things. I hope this will be temporary because life won't be much fun if it stays this way. This is the reason I have not been writing posts. I hate being a Debbie Downer and that is what I am right now.

I did go out and get a job. I really don't like it, but hey, it helps pay the bills. I put on my biggest smile and happiest attitude with my customers. They have no idea how sad I am on the inside. It is pretty exhausting pretending to be happy. I know Mark knows how I feel because he does the same thing each day, except he loves his job. Great people that really value his knowledge and expertise. He really deserves that. He misses Wo and is having just as hard of a time as I am.

Lauren's gravestone was finally done and delivered. We had a hard time getting a picture that we loved. The artist that etched the stone finally drew a sketch that Mark and I both loved. It must have been so hard for her to try and capture Lauren's personality with never meeting her or seeing her in person. We love the stone very much and feel better when we go to the cemetery. It is nice seeing a picture of Lauren and being able to touch it. Her eyes seem to follow us wherever we stand. I think she would love the stone and the way we have her gravesite decorated.

 

Kristen and Bruce came home to visit last weekend. We had a nice time with them. They took us to Bonefish Grill on Saturday night. The food was delicious and the company was even better!! Stephanie and Ryan were also able to go with us.

Ryan and Stephanie

 

Sis and Bruce

 

Ryan and Sis

I talked about our traditions a while back. We have a cheesy angel I bought way back before Mark and I were even married at a People's Drug in Summit Mall. We have had it as our tree topper for years. I changed the topper a few years back and of course the kids had a fit about it. So, I kept the angel and put it with my other figurines but did not want it on the top of the tree. We bought this fancy angel that changed color. This year, when I went to put that tree topper up, it fell apart and somehow I busted the wires off of it. So, guess what is on top of our tree? You got it. The old, raggedy angel. I wonder if Wo had something to do with this!! Here is our sad looking angel. It's funny how beautiful it looks to me this year. I am happy it is on top of our tree.

I am sure going to miss wrapping presents and baking cookies with Wo this year. She was so much fun to be around. I miss driving her to Michigan for doctor appointments and chemo. I miss going to the grocery store with her and out to lunch. I miss getting her pills for her before bed and tucking her in. I miss taking care of her. I know she is with us, but I wish so much I could see her and touch her.

I wish you all the happiest of holidays. Please tell your family members you love them often. There is nothing more precious.

Love,
-Pam

Lauren took this picture of herself after she had her Y-90 radioembolization. She had so much hope that she would get better. This picture breaks my heart and makes me cry every time I look at it because she was so brave.

Just Checking In

Hi Everyone,

I just thought I would let you know that everything is ok. I got a job and I am worn out when I get home. This is the reason for new new posts lately. Hopefully, I will write a new post early next week. Mark's job is going great. I am not loving mine, but hey it's a job!! Lauren's headstone is in the final stages and almost done!! The tree is up! This time of year totally freaks me out. Way too stressful. Mark and I are having a difficult time missing our Wo. She loved the holidays and always brought such enthusiasm and excitement to our home. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Talk to you soon.

Love,
-Pam

Traditions

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. As this holiday season is approaching quickly, I am filled with sadness, hopefulness, and fond memories. Sad because Wo will never be here physically with us to enjoy the time of the year she loved so much. I know she will be with us in spirit though. It's funny that my kids and Mark are so into traditions. I love them too, but I am always suggesting that we might change some of these and I am ALWAYS answered back with a loud NO!! I thought it would be fun to let you know the traditions we have every year and how I have tried to change some of them.

The live Christmas Tree... I am the only one in the family that would like an artificial tree. Reason being, I can put it up early and enjoy it longer. It also would not drop needles. We did find a remedy for the needle dropping in the past few years. Frasier firs. These trees have nice, soft needles, but they come at a hefty price. So this year we will probably have to go back to the dreaded scotch pine. Prickly needles that drop and lots of sap that doesn't come off your skin or clothes! We all get bundled up and trapse through an endless field searching for the perfect tree. After many years of Mark cutting it down, the saw has been passed down to Ryan and he does a fine job. After it has been cut, Mark or Ryan drags ito the shaking machine that shakes out all the loose needles and varmints that might be living on the tree. Then we have it bundled and Mark ties it to the roof of the car. So tight that an F-4 tornado would not budge it. So tight that one year Mark forgot the tree was on top of our full size van we had at the time and pulled in the garage. It tore half the luggage rack off the roof of the van, but the tree was secure and unscathed!! Haha. Every year I remind him that the tree is on the roof of the vehicle. We usually go out to eat after our difficult trapsing in the wildnerness or get popcorn and hot chocolate or hot cider at the tree farm. Let me tell you, we are the farthest thing from fashionable in our snow pants, hats and boots!! We have learned a few things after 30 years of this tradition. Don't take dogs with you. It looks so cute when people bring their dogs and let them romp in the snow. Of course, the first time I took my little, chihuahua, Peanut, he found some kind of wild animal poop to roll in when I wasn't looking and we had to deal with him stinking to high heaven on the car ride home. The second thing we have learned is that trees appear way smaller in the field than in the living room. There has been many a time when the tree took up half the room and you almost had to turn sideways to go past it! I try to stress to look for a "skinny tree" every year but sometimes "fat" prevails. I don't know why, but I usually end up putting the lights, garland, and ornaments on the tree by myself ( Wo did help sometimes and so did Sis, but she hasn't lived at home since 2001) because as Mark says "You're so good at it". And I get to take it down too!! But, you know what, I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. We all had the best time picking out our trees over the years and I know Wo would be so sad if we ever went to a fake tree. So, I guess they win this one. A real tree every year.

This is us a few years ago. Notice our lovely ensembles.

 

One of my absolute, favorite pics. They look so happy.

 

The last year Wo would help us find our tree in person. She will always be with us in our hearts and in spirit.

I can see where this would end up being a book instead of a blog post, so I will talk about some of our other traditions in later posts. This will give me something to think about.

Marks starts his new job tomorrow! He works so hard and is great at what he does. This whole business of losing his last job has really hurt him because he put his heart and soul into it. I have seen him in action at work and he is such a bundle of energy. I had an interview yesterday and things look promising for me. It is only part time though and I am looking for full time. Hey, it's better than nothing. It was nice having Mark home with me. Oh, to win the lottery! He has turned into a work out machine!! Running on the treadmill most days and lifting weights. I wish I had his energy.

I put a video on  Facebook already, but Mark and I got some decorations for Wo's grave this week. A pretty, sparkly wreath because Wo loved bling and a cute Santa. We also put two candy cane solar lights there. When we drive into the entrance at the cemetery, we can see her lights way at the back. I don't know why, but seeing those lights in the dark makes me cry every time. I got an e-mail from the place that is doing Lauren's stone and it said it should hopefully be done by Thanksgiving. We can't wait to see it.

This was taken in the dark with my phone. I'm not sure what the lines in the picture are. It looks really pretty in the dark.

I would like to tell you that one of my best friends named Dawn has a great grandson that has just been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma which is a form of cancer. I am just so upset that this little guy has to go through chemo and radiation. They have started a Facebook page and I wanted to give you the link in case you would like to follow Billy's journey. It is called Raise Hope For Little Bill. I have met him and he is such an adorable little boy. Prayers to you, Billy, Dawn, and family.

Ok, time to dig through my pics for a nice one of Wo. Take care, everyone!! I love you all. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Sweet, little Wo always loved the water.

Puppies and Pain In My Heart

Hi Everyone,

I'm still down in the dumper, but hopeful I will feel better soon. Mark and I have both had some weird virus or flu the last few weeks. Sore throat, fever, cough, stuffy nose, body aches. I didn't think we could get the flu because we had flu shots this year, so who knows. We are both feeling better, but we were sick for a long time. I still have a bad cough, but I am getting better.

Mark got a job and we are very grateful for that. He had a drug test Friday and they are waiting for those results and then he can start!! Hopefully, it will be this week. I am still looking. I have applied about ten or more places and no calls yet. I am a great worker and very dependable. I sure hope I can find something soon.

My Mom and Dad came down and took us to lunch yesterday at Grinders. We had a nice time visiting with them. Last evening, they went to Wadsworth's football playoff game with some of their friends and stayed overnight with them.

Sis and Bruce got home last weekend after a week in California where they went to wine country and San Francisco with friends and visited Bruce's family near Sacramento. They had a great time.

My little pups, Peanut and Penny, both had birthdays this week. Peanut was six on Monday and Penny was three yesterday. I don't know what I would do without these little munchkins. They are so sweet and just love to sleep on my lap.

Peanut when we went to go pick him out at the breeder's house. He is only four weeks old in this picture. We had to wait until he was six weeks old before we could take him home. He only weighed a little over one pound when we brought him home.




Little Penny when we first got her from the same breeder we got Peanut from. 

We went to K Mart today and got some cute solar lights that look like little candy canes and put them at Wo's gravesite. She had a tall light that has been there ever since she was buried. Now she has three!! We have been going to the cemetery every day, but now since the time has changed, we get there and it is already dark. We can see her little light shining when we pull into the cemetery and she is buried way in the back. It really pulls at my heart to see that little light shining. I am really bracing for the coming holiday season. I know I will be a real wreck throughout. The pain of missing my child is the worst pain I could ever imagine. She was such a character and loved the holidays so much. I just think of how lonely it will be to bake cookies without her. I wonder how Giovanni is doing. He is probably as sad as we are. I hope we get to see him over the holidays. I really miss him too.

Other than that, we haven't been doing much. I stay up late because my mind races and I sleep in late so I don't have to think about things. Thank goodness for Candy Crush!! That game is so frustrating, but also so invigorating when you win!! Haha. I really want to get out of this rut and enjoy life again. Sometimes I feel guilty for laughing or having fun when I think of all the pain poor Wo had to go through. There really is nothing that will help but time. People always say that the pain never goes away, but you just get used to it. I am very grateful to have an understanding husband, a daughter that makes me laugh and always has words of wisdom, and a son that is so sensitive and will sit with his arm around me and comfort me when I am sad. I am very lucky to have all of them. Please make sure to tell your family that you love them every chance you get.

I will leave you with a pic of our sweet Wo. I will have to take a look through the archives and come up with one that stands out. Thanks for continuing to support us. I do read all of your comments. They are all very sweet. Thank you. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Our cute little Wo in the backyard at my Mom and Dad's house when they lived in Wadsworth.

Hiking and Halloween

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. I feel bad writing about how bad I feel because I don't want this blog to be doom and gloom. But, if I am being truthful to myself and to you, I have to tell you how I really feel. I think of Lauren all the time and miss her more than I could have ever imagined. I try and put on a happy face when I am with others, but the pain in my heart is so great. We finally moved Lauren's bed back up to her room last week. We re-arranged the living room and it looks so different. Wo's bed had been in the living room for over two years. She wanted it there so she wouldn't miss anything when she was not feeling well. She wanted to be with all of us all the time. Mark and I have been going through her room and boy, does she have a lot of stuff! We have already taken at least 8 bags and boxes of clothes and shoes to Goodwill. Wo loved to shop and was always looking for bargains. She has a mini store in her room with toiletries and makeup. She was such a crazy kid!

Mark and I have been trying to exercise every day either in the basement on the treadmill and bike or by walking outside. Saturday we went to Quail Hollow, a park in Hartville, which is a little town right next to ours. I wore a pair of hiking boots Mark had bought me for Christmas back in 2011 for the first time!! I enjoy walking through the woods and I really don't know why we don't walk there more often. It is very peaceful and beautiful.

My cute hiking boots that I have had for two years and wore for the first time on our hike.

My hiking buddy.

Ready to head off on our hike.

Thank you for your prayers concerning Mark and finding a new job. He has a few leads. We are hopeful things will turn out for the best.

I had breakfast with my friends yesterday at the Frontier Restaurant. We all had a good time as usual. Thanks to Dawn, Debbie, Chyrel, Ruth and Liz for making me laugh. You guys are the best.

Well, it is almost Halloween and our Trick-or-Treat is always on Halloween in our neighborhood. Lauren loved Halloween and she and Giovanni always passed out candy at our house. Mark and I will have to pass out candy on our own this year. Halloween is a special day to us because that is the day our Sis was born. She will be 31 this year! Wow, does that make me feel old. I will leave you with a sweet picture of Wo getting ready to go Trick-or-Treating when she was little.

Thanks for continuing to read my blog. Much love to all of you.

-Pam

 

Sweet, little Wo.

I Hope Things Turn Around Soon

Hi Everyone,

I'm really sorry that it has taken me so long to write a new post. I've been having a really hard time lately. See, I knew the bottom was going to fall out sooner or later. Oct. 9th was the four month anniversary of Wo's death and ever since then every day has been very difficult. I try so hard to stay positive and upbeat, but I just can't.

We also had another really bad surprise this week. Mark came home Monday in the middle of the day and said he lost his job. He was very surprised and dumbfounded as was I. That sent me over the edge into a deep, dark hole. We are survivors though, so I have faith Mark will find a new job and so will I. I quit my job in 2011 to be Wo's caretaker and haven't felt that I was healed enough to go back to work yet. How embarrassing would it be to bust out crying at work because something hurts my heart or reminds me of Lauren. It seems as if the pain of losing Wo is intensified now because we have lost our comfort of having stability. I just need to be strong like everyone else is when they lose a loved one.

Ok, enough depressing talk. My Mom and Dad took us on such a fun trip last weekend. We went to St. Clair, Michigan on the Jet Express. It was a four hour sight-seeing trip there and back. We traveled on Lake Erie, Detroit River, Lake St. Clair, and St. Clair River. We saw Detroit, which looked very gritty with steel mills on the river banks. We could see Michigan on one side of the rivers and Canada on the other side. Crazy!! St. Clair was very pretty and the water was much clearer up there. We had a delicious buffet lunch at the St. Clair Inn, a very old hotel. We walked on the boardwalk there and just enjoyed the lovely weather. The boat was a lot of fun. We chose to sit on the top deck and boy was it windy!! We lasted up there the whole trip except for about the last hour. The sun was setting and it got a little too chilly. Mark doesn't do to well on boats, but he got a prescription for Zofran which really helped. He was not tired from it and did not feel seasick at all. My sister, Linda, went with us too. She is always so much fun to be with. We got back to Port Clinton about 7:30, ordered a few pizzas, went back to my Mom and Dad's and crashed. We were all exhausted from the day. We went to the Tin Goose Diner at the Port Clinton Airport for breakfast on Sunday. My Dad and Mark had breakfast that featured chipped beef on toast. I guess when you are in the Army, they call it SOS. (Sh*t on a shingle) Haha!! Anyway, their breakfasts came on a metal tray like it would in the Army. I have pics of our trip and the breakfast that I will post.

I have always loved my family, but I have come to realize this year how much all of them mean to me and that is the world!! Nobody else loves you more than your family and nobody cares for you like your family. I am very blessed to be loved and cared for. If you think of it, please say a little prayer for Mark. He is a great husband and father and one of the hardest working people I know.

Thanks for all of your support. I will try to update more in the future. God bless.

Love,
-Pam

We just got on the boat and got great seats!

Lunch at the St. Clair Inn.

The Boardwalk at St. Clair, Michigan

The Bachman Family



Chillin' in the sun.

The Jet Express

Linda!!

 

What a gorgeous day we had!!!

Perfect sunset.

Mark's gigantic breakfast with his SOS!!


 

And a picture of our sweet Wo....





She was so happy to be shopping for her wedding gown.

A Great Weekend

Hi Everyone,

We had a fun weekend!! My Mom and Dad came down to our house Fri. night and Ryan ran in the Akron Marathon.

We had to be up at 4:00am on Saturday morning to get Ryan to downtown Akron for his running debut in the Akron Marathon's half marathon. My Mom and Dad stayed overnight at our house and got up with us. Stephanie (Ryan's girlfriend) got to our house a little before 5 and we were downtown Akron by 5:30. The race started at 7:00, but many streets were closed by 6:00 and some the night before, so we knew we had to get there early. We parked in a lot by Akron U and walked to the starting area. Here is a pic of the early morning crew in the parking lot.

Papa Ron, Grandma Tommie, Ryan, Stephanie, and Mark. My Mom and Dad had on their Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation sweatshirts!!

We got to the start area and there were tons of people and loud music blasting. Most people looked really sleepy. We saw Stephanie's Dad there. He was running a leg in the 5 man relay team. I hope he had fun! It was only about 50 degrees and still dark. They did have large lights set up. There were three corrals for the runners labeled A,B, and C. A was for the fastest runners, B for medium runners (Ryan was in this one), and C for slower runners. When you signed up for the race, you put what time you thought you would finish the race and that determined what corral you were in. They started 5 minutes apart so their wasn't a huge stampede and so there was space for everyone. I was so impressed with how organized it was and I read in the paper that there was not one problem with security. Ryan's team all wore the same shirts that were given to them by Lisa and David Craine. I made Ryan a headband that said Remembering Wo 3/6/86 - 6/9/13. They got to pick the number they wanted and Ryan picked 5 for the number of people in our immediate family.

We were pleasantly surprised to see Gio along with his brother Bruno and Bruno's fiancee, Jacqui near the starting area. Jacqui was in charge of the trash and recycling around the race area and Bruno and Gio were helping her. I think I hugged Gio for 10 minutes. I have missed him so much as did the rest of the family. He looked really good, but I could tell seeing us brought back a flood of memories as he had tears in his eyes. I had a pang of sadness as I saw him standing there by himself because Lauren was always by his side and still should be. I know it is still too hard for him to be around us, but it sure was nice to see him. Mark and I love that kid as if he were our own and wish nothing but the best for him. We all stood together and cheered the runners on as they started the race. It was so exciting. There were 15,000 runners all together for the marathon, half marathon, and 5 man relay teams. Kristen wished she could have been there, but she had to work the weekend. I'm sure she would have ran on the team as well.

Our sweet Giovanni. Love him so much.

Before the race. So proud of my Bub.

We walked over to the next street after the race started and saw Ryan there at about the 4 mile mark. He looked great, but didn't see us because he was focusing straight ahead and had his earbuds in with music blasting. We headed down to Main Street and went in to a restaurant that had breakfast. They only had a buffet, which we got. Let's just say it was the absolute worst food ever and we will remember not to go there next year. We were able to see runners as they ran by and into the Canal Park Stadium for the finish. We were amazed that runners for the half marathon were already coming in. The first runner came in at around 1 hour 9 minutes. To run 13.1 miles!! Are you kidding me. Ryan ran by and saw us!! He finished in 1 hour 56 minutes. He had guessed he would run it in around 2 hours, so he did great!!! We tried to get into the stadium, but it was blocked off to cross the street so we had to walk all the way around the whole stadium to get to the other side. Security was so tight that you were not allowed anywhere near the runners' area so we sat in the stands and hoped Ryan would find us since he didn't have his phone with him. We took turns going to look for him. Lisa was texting me to come for a team picture and bring Ryan. Everyone was looking for him.

The finish line.

The runners were all across the field. Hmmmmm. Where's Waldo, I mean Ryan????

It had been like two hours since Ryan finished the race and I had that worried mom feeling in my stomach. I asked Mark if he wanted to go outside the stadium and look for him. I swear we took two steps outside the place and Ryan was standing right there with his silver mylar blanket around him. He had been standing there waiting for us that whole time. I felt so bad for him because his clothes were wet from sweat and he was freezing. We took him back inside and he put his pants and sweatshirt on. We were all so happy to see him and so proud of what he had done for Wo and others with this cancer. He raised $1713.00 for the team and the team as a whole raised over $10,000.00!!! Way to go, Craine's Crew!!

Yay!!! We found him!!!!

We sat for for a while and decided to leave. We had a long walk back to the car and headed for home. My Mom and Dad stayed until late afternoon. Ryan and Stephanie both had to work and the rest of us went to the cemetery to see Wo. My Mom and Dad left to go visit my sister and her family in Delaware, Ohio and watch the OSU game. It was a great weekend, especially for sports fans in our area. OSU, Cleveland Indians, and the Browns all won! What a miracle. In keeping with the sports theme I will leave you with a pic of Wo in her Indians shirt. Thank you for all of your support. I will catch you all later.

Love,
-Pam

Oh, how we miss seeing that smiling face.