Sunday, July 7, 2013

Still Heartbroken

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all of your continued thoughts and prayers. Things are not much better around here. I'm sorry to say that, but they aren't. This is my place to come and let out my pain. I do not post on Facebook about how I am feeling, so if this is too downer for you, I suggest you don't read it. The fact is Mark and I miss our daughter more than ever. Nothing makes us feel better and the pain is always there. People have told us that in time, the pain will diminish. It will have to because we can't live in this hurt forever. Sure, we carry on with our day to day tasks and visit the cemetery every day, but the joy of life is gone for the moment. I know, you all tell me that Lauren is in a better place and she is not in pain anymore. This is true, but I am sure she would love to be planning her wedding, swimming in her pool, eating great food and spending time with her family and her love, Giovanni. Life is simply not fair and we have to learn to accept what has happened. I think that will take a mighty long time.

My Dad's surgery has been postponed for a bit because he had poison ivy and the doctor was not totally convinced that it wasn't shingles. So, until it is totally gone, no surgery. A compromised immune system is not good when replacing a mitral valve. He is kind of happy because now he can do more work on his house!! I swear, he never stops.

We didn't do much for the 4th. Mark wanted ribs from Old Carolina and they had an ad on the radio that they were $10 a slab instead of the regular $19.99 a slab. He called and ordered four slabs and we had a pick up tme of 2:30. He was busy pruning trees with Ryan, so I went to pick them up. It was total chaos and the take out line was moving at a snail's pace. I was next in line and the manager announced that they were out of ribs and that they didn't even have enough to fill any more take out orders. Great!! She did give us a coupon for four free slabs, but it kind of put a damper on our plans. I stopped and got burgers on the way home, since I didn't have anything thawed. Needless to say, nobody was very thrilled. It was rainy, so we decided not to go to fireworks.

Mark wanted to take me out to dinner last night since we never celebrated my birthday this year. It was on Lauren's surgery day. We got dressed up and he took me to my favorite restaurant, Desert Inn. It was delish. We had filets and they bring out a big tray filled with Syrian rice, Greek salad, garlic bread, and broasted potatoes. Yum!!! I had baklava for dessert and Mark had German chocolate cake with ice cream. We talked a lot about Lauren through dinner and cried a few times as well.

Today, we are getting our ribs that we wanted a few days ago. I am making a cake and we are celebrating Ryan and my birthdays. He was 22 on June 21, but was on vacation with Stephanie and her family at the time. It is still rainy here. I wish this stupid front would go away so we could enjoy our summer.

I had a message on Facebook from the girl that runs TMT Rescue. This was one of the charities we had requested donations be sent to in memory of Lauren. It is a rescue group that rescues dogs from unfavorable conditions, fosters them and gives them medical care, and finds them forever homes. With the money that was donated in Lauren's name, they were able to rescue two dogs. We love dogs so much and Lauren would be so happy to know that she saved two dogs and they will be placed in loving homes!!!  Thank you to all who donated!

Thanks to everyone who has donated to the Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation as well. Hopefully, a cure will be found for this horrible disease.

I will have to hunt around in my picture library for something to post. Maybe a blast from the past from Ryan's birthday in a past year.

Thanks for reading and putting up with my venting. I feel a little better right now. Until next time...


Ryan celebrating his birthday and Wo, who was always by his side.


  1. Hi Pam,
    You go ahead and post whatever you need to say! You are the one going through this horrible time, not anyone else. No, life sure is NOT FAIR! It downright sucks a lot of the time. Years have to go by to even get a glimmer of sunshine back. Just know you are loved and thought of. Don't be afraid to vent. You're entitled to your feelings. Hang in there, sweetie! Love, Marsha

  2. Pam, I am so sorry that you're hurting so badly but I'm not the least bit surprised. You try to be so strong all the time and you try to be positive but Pam I need to tell you the greatest strength is knowing that this loss is absolutely unfair, cruel, horrific and unacceptable.

    You need to acknowledge and understand that you cannot be okay or be accepting of it after just a short few weeks. It will take such a long long time Pam and you will miss her forever though the pain won't be quite as raw and sharp in a few years. Please stop trying to be strong and brave. Let the grief in and let the grief rule for a while - you cannot fight it. It's okay to be angry and it's okay to be exhausted and it's okay to cry all the time. You cannot control it or push it away.

    Sorry for preaching. I haven't gone through such a devastating loss of a child. As you know I lost my husband and 17 months on it's not as raw but it's still awful sometimes. And that is nowhere near the loss you went through. My mother lost my brother 4 years ago to a brain aneurysm. He just collapsed and died. He was her youngest son. The first year to two years was hell for all of us, but especially for her. My friend lost her daughter 3 years ago to leukaemia.

    From losing my husband and brother I learned the hard way that our society (in the western world) is full of 'positivity' and no matter how negative an event is the first thing we are programmed to do is to see the positive in it. It's a strange phenomenon whereby we feel guilty if we say or feel something negative. Well in the case of bereavement that is not a healthy attitude, nor is it good for your sanity. Don't try to be positive, though it's in our nature to do so. Be real and if someone tries to console you with platitudes tell them how it is. No, it's not acceptable that she's gone "to a better place" - you need her here. It's not acceptable that "she's no longer suffering" because you need her to be pain free and here. Tell people that. They mean well and people can be so good and so supportive but sometimes, without thinking, they will try to drown out your pain with their own need for positivity.

    Don't be afraid to go with the grief. Stay in bed if you need to, scream if you need to, cry all you want, smash things. What you're going through is the cruelest most painful thing imaginable. Nobody expects you to be in a good place right now so don't expect it of yourself Pam. And the funny thing, if you give into the grief, you will feel some relief. xxxxx

    "Let the grief take you where you need to go. Your grief is wiser than you."

  3. Pam and Mark, I hardly know you guys, but your pain draws me to check in on you from time to time. I cannot imagine coping with this, but I can say that through a very painful divorce from a very abusive man, I was able to reach out to a support group at First Friends on Market in Canton. I don't think I could have recovered if I hadn't spent time with folks who had gone through the same kind of thing. When you are ready, maybe consider a Grief Support Group...I don't think it takes away the pain, but I do think these support groups help. The hardest step is the first one...I had to drag myself there 7 months after the divorce was final.
    My heartfelt sympathy remains with you.
    Kathie (and Rod, too) Covey

  4. I can feel your pain through your words Pam. I wanted you to know I talked to my mother this weekend and asked her about losing my sister. What's really's been 4 1/2 years and this is the first time I have had the courage to ask her. She expressed all of these same feelings...which are the same ones I had...but she was the mom. It was hard enough being the sister. She was the mom.

    Don't ever make excuses. Just do the best you can. People love you and want the best for you. They will be here when the fog lifts. and I promise some day it will.

    love, Teresa

  5. Hello,

    You don't know me, and I'm not quite sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but I do know my heart breaks for you. I lost my brother a couple of years ago and while he wasn't sick and his was sudden, I can kind of relate to the horrible grief you're going through.

    I just wanted to say I disagree with all of those that tell you that your daughter is in a better place. A better place is sitting right beside you, healthy and with the family and friends she loves.

    It's been 3 and a half years for me, but I understand when you say it's not getting any easier.Keep your daughter close to you by talking about her, putting her pictures everywhere, which I'm sure you have already done. What really helped me was starting a memorial fundraiser we do every year that allows us to do something for my brother Ryan and to keep his memory alive. For me, it helps me keep him alive, I look forward to planning and celebrating with all those who knew him and making something good come from something so devastating.

    Many thoughts and prayers to you and your family and friends.