Sunday, June 30, 2013

Hurting More As Time Goes By

Hi Everyone,

Sorry to say that things are not getting better for us. I'm sure things will get worse before getting better. We miss our Wo so much and nothing seems to help us. I'm sure we are going through the grief process and it will take time to feel better. I have a lot of uncontrollable crying and Mark has a lot of anger and sadness. Gio is just beside himself. Ryan has been on vacation with Stephanie's family, so I am not sure how he's doing. He keeps things inside most of the time anyway. Sis just finished her last day of residency on Friday and will be studying all of July for boards. She starts her new job in August, so she is pretty busy. Bruce starts his last year and new job as Chief Resident. Yay for him! My Dad will be having heart surgery at U of M on July 9th to repair a leaky mitral valve. Say a prayer for him, please. I will be going up to be with him and my Mom. Linda and Wayne will also be coming up. He will probably bounce back very quickly since he is the most fit 81 year old I have ever seen. He just had a heart cath done Friday and he is already getting antsy to paint his whole huge deck when he should be resting. You cannot make him sit still for a second!! I am very thankful for my little pooches, Peanut and Penny. They keep me company during the day and comfort me when I cry. They are so sweet. We are going to plant some really pretty rose bushes today that we bought last weekend. We bought them because they are flashy like Wo. Two different shades of hot pink!! I did have my first dream about Lauren last night. She was sitting in an auditorium and I could only see her from the back, but I knew it was her. I thought I would see a lot more signs from her. Other than the pennies right around her funeral time, not much. I am still looking and still believe. I just want to know that she is ok in heaven. Please cherish every day you have with your children. Here is a poem from my good pal, Lainy, from the cholangiocarcinoma website. She always knows just what to say.

 Think about the good times, not the bad,
Laugh at the weird things we did, cry at the sad.
I will be with you in heart, mind, and spirit.
When you need someone to talk to I'll be there listening.
When you are awarded for your success I'll be there smiling proudly.
When you get married I'll be there crying tears of joy.
When you need me most I'll always be there.
I want you to be happy I don't want you to cry over me.
I don't want you to spend your lives in misery.
I want you to move on in your lives. Think of me and smile!
Ours was a great experience of a loving family.
Of love that will last an eternity even though I am gone.
It is only goodbye for a short time for we will see each other again.
Know when the wind blows or the sun shines only on you
That it is me standing next to you.

I hope next time I post that we are all a tiny bit better. Thanks for continuing to care.


This is how I will always remember Wo. The life of the party!!


  1. Pam, you are so right.The pain never goes away and you will always have a empty feeling.I still cry a lot too and tomorrow Dianna will be gone for 1 year but you will learn to cope with the loss alittle better as time goes by.It's not easy and I feel your pain.I'm here if you ever need to talk.Deanna

  2. Pam,
    I think of your family every day and pray a lot...mostly when I see one of my beautiful daylilies blooming and it makes me think of Wo's eyeshadow vibrant and beautiful. Loss takes time to heal but I truly believe you will and that is what Lauren would want. She'd have a fit if she knew the struggles you are going through....but all of us are human and grieve the loss of someone so close to us. I will continue to pray for your family and try to remember the good days. I have not lost a child but I do know the feeling inside of me when I will have four daughters who will lose their mamma-ME (and their biological father passed about 6 years ago). HUGS and Prayers Pam!

  3. Oh heart breaks for you. When Shirley passed away I was so angry with everyone who said that things would get better. No...they won't. How could they? She was never coming back. I thought that was the most awful thing in the world to say to me. It was as if I would feel so guilty if I actually felt happy or O.K. when she wasn't here. But then one was better. I don't know when...or how...but it was. And thinking of her made me only happy...and not sad. I will say there was some guilt from that...but mostly happiness and relief. I could think of her again and be happy. It's a wonderful feeling that I hope some day you get to experience.

    It may be ten years from now...but maybe someday. Pray daily for that strength Pam and it will happen. I love you and your family ...



    P.S. I cry when I think of Lauren and I never even got to meet her. Maybe one of my biggest regrets of my life!!!

  4. Pam,
    I’ve been away for several weeks, but have been thinking of you often. Nothing I say can take away the heartache your family feels, but I care and I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Lauren and your family (including Gio) are in my thoughts and prayers.
    You wrote Lauren would never appear as something with wings, but right after I learned of her passing a magnificent bird swooped high in the sky and flew off. It felt like a good sign so I wanted to let you know. I don’t understand, but I believe we are part of something larger than ourselves and our existence has meaning. Lauren was surrounded by love and I pray you will be reunited one day.
    You did the very best possible for your beautiful daughter and I hope you can find solace in that. We are all passing through this experience called life together and the love and friendships we make along the way are what give me meaning and comfort. Lauren touched so many people with her courage and will be remembered for the beautiful person she was.
    Take care of yourself and I’m sending a big hug your way.
    Love, Cathy & Heather

  5. Came across your blog about Lauren while I was researching the ECMO life support machine. Because of death, you've had to endure this horror and the suffering continues. Please search "transhumanism" which is the movement trying to push for an end to all physical death. Don't be concerned about any requests for donations you come across. The donations are a part of this until life-extension becomes a major issue in the government. You will meet Lauren again either in an afterlife or if through future technology all who have died can be re-animated. Best to you from Sherry from Pennsylvania