I'm So Glad This Past Week Is Over

Hi Everyone,

Well, I made it through last week!! I have to say it was so difficult and so emotional. I worked most of the days and I would get teary there every day. One of the days, a cashier asked how I was (My standard answer is usually "Good, how are you?"), but this day I said "Not great." She asked why and I told her that my daughter had passed away in the summer from cancer and that Saturday was to have been her wedding day. There are only a few people at work that know this and I don't go around telling everyone. I busted out crying and she said she was so sorry. This guy that is in charge of memberships came up to us to tell us something and saw that I was crying. He said, "Oh, I am not very good at handling emotional stuff" and turned away. A couple other cashiers came over to see what was wrong. He came back and said that he was sorry and didn't know what to do. Another cashier walked toward me and hugged me and said "This is what you do." It is so weird how uncomfortable some people are with their feelings. I try very hard never to become emotional at work, but this day it was just too much. I left every day last week crying as soon as I hit the door and cried all the way home. My eyelids looked like water balloons. I was a mess. Friday and Saturday were the absolute worst days because I was thinking about how happy Wo would have been.

Mark sat me down and we had a huge chat. I have to try to be happy or he is afraid I will die from my unhappiness. I have to let go of hoping Gio will ever be in our lives again. The reason Gio was in our lives was because of Lauren and now she is not here, so he needs his own life. It is like I am grieving him as well. I keep saying that I want Lauren back and he keeps telling me that will never happen. I told him that I cannot go on being this sad and all I want is to be happy. I am the only one that can do this. So far, yesterday and today, I have been some better. I try to focus on the good things and try to push the bad thoughts away. I was watching the Olympics one night and a mom of a snowboarder that had died of a head injury was being interviewed. The interviewer asked her if losing her daughter was the worst thing she could imagine. She said no. The worst thing would be never to have had all the years she had with her daughter and she was grateful for all of them. This is how I have to think. I had so many wonderful times with Wo. I need to focus on those instead of the sad times. I think what is holding me back is the hurt of not being able to see her, talk to her, or hug her. I do talk to her all the time, but I wish she could answer. If I am not feeling better soon, I may seek professional help and see about switching medication that I am on because it is not working anymore.

Sometimes I cannot believe I write about such personal things, but it is my choice to reveal my thoughts to you. I don't talk about my family's personal feelings because that is private and only something they can talk about if they wish to. Also, if you are sick of hearing what I talk about you can quit reading this blog. But, by the number of people that are reading, you must find it interesting. I hope you are getting a first hand view and realize that family is everything and children are so precious.

Here is to feeling better and being happy!! I will leave you with some great pics. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support on Facebook.

Love,
-Pam

Sis and Wo one Halloween as old ladies. Ryan was an M&M. I can still hear them doing the Dany Carvey "church lady." Isn't that special.

Wo and I used to work at the same grocery store, Giant Eagle. On my 50th birthday, she gave me flowers, balloons, and a gigantic card. She was always so thoughtful and caring as are my other children. I love them all so much.

Sad For the Day That Will Never Be

Hi Everyone,

I think this is the hardest week I have had so far and it is only Tuesday. It is not just because of my grief, but because of my feeling bad for poor Wo. She was supposed to be getting married this Saturday to her beloved Giovanni. I know Giovanni now has his own life and is moving on to try and find happiness. I think that is great and I wish him all the best. I will always love that kid with all my heart. I just can't get past Lauren not being able to have her one day that she wanted more than anything. It seems she always got dealt the bad hand her whole life. From having seizures when she was a toddler to being teased about her weight when she was in school, she has always faced hardship. Gio was her bright spot. Life was never fair for Lauren, but she never lost her optimism or her smile. She and I had so many plans for the future. She wanted 6 boys and I was going to help take care of them. She wanted them to all have Italian names. She wanted to cook big dinners and have us over to her and Gio's house. She wanted us to be together every day while the men were at work. And now it is all gone. We did have Lauren's wedding dress and veil buried with her. I hope somehow in heaven she can wear it. I can honestly say now that I think I have sunk to my lowest low so there is nowhere to go but up. I sure hope it happens soon, because the pain is almost unbearable. I don't want pity or sympathy. I just want to not be in pain anymore and to find joy again. That is it. I have a wonderful husband that loves me so much and two living children that need me to be a good Mom to them. I have a son-in-law that loves my daughter and Ryan has a dear girlfriend. I have two sweet chihuahuas that love nothing better than to sit on my lap. I have an old dog that finds comfort when I am around. I am lucky to still have my Mom and Dad who always worry if I am ok and are so sweet. And I have a terrific sister, brother-in-law, two nephews, a niece, and baby to-be coming in May. I am so blessed to have all of them, but it will just take time to fill the gaping hole in my heart that is called Wo.

That is all for now. I will try my hardest to have more uplifting posts in the future, but right now I can't promise anything. I will leave you with a few pictures of my choice. Thank you for your support and caring.

Love,
-Pam

Lauren was head over heels for Gio.

 



I miss this girl so much.

Wo and Sis. Sisters forever.

Another Month Without Wo

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. It has been pretty quiet around here. We are just trying to get through this winter and dreaming of spring! At least we have had some sunny days, which seems to make this weather more tolerable. I have been watching a lot of the Olympics, but I don't have the excitement for it like I used to. I'm sure like with everything I do, it is because Wo is not here.

You all know that I am not loving my job, so I have been applying different places. I feel I am safe talking about this here and nobody will see this where I work because it is fairly hard to get to know people like at past jobs. We are usually really busy and don't have idle time to get to know anybody. I was excited to see an ad in the paper for a doggie daycare. I have always said that would be my ideal job. Playing with dogs all day!! Nothing better. The position had already been filled. Darn. I did have an interview at a large touristy restaurant near me, but they are very conservative and I definitely am not. I told them I wanted to work in the bakery or the gift shop. It was a very grueling interview with an HR person and some guy that must have been an executive. I was thinking, "Are you kidding me, I'm not applying to be CEO of your company!!" Just a pie maker. Haha!! I did ok on the interview until the last question. They asked if I had any visible tattoos. I said that I did and showed them my tattoo I have with Lauren's name. I said I got it in memory of my daughter who died from cancer. They looked kind of uncomfortable and said that they would need to do a second interview and they would call me if I was chosen for that within three weeks. Well, it has been two weeks and I have not been called. I don't want to work anywhere where a tattoo is a deal breaker. Good grief, this is 2014, not 1950!!!

Mark and I have been having a very hard time lately dealing with Wo's death. It was the eight month anniversary of her passing on Sunday. We visit her grave every day, but Sunday was especially difficult. Since we got the lantern for her grave, Mark makes sure the candle is always burning. I think we have gone through four or five already!! The ache in our hearts from missing her is unbearable at times. I just want to hug her and kiss her and smell her hair. I want to hear her laugh her precious laugh and see her face light up when Gio comes over. I want to see her walk through the door with tons of bags of "stuff" she bought at Marcs because she might need one more nail file or mascara. She probably had 15 more still in the package in her room!! She was one of a kind.

I will look through my picture files and find one that jumps out at me. Thank you for continuing to support us through this difficult time. I am still getting many views of this blog. I am up to over 129,000 views. That is amazing! As long as people are reading, I will write. If one person can find some kind of help or comfort in reading my blog, that is all that matters. Love to all of you,

-Pam

Wo with her Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron. They have always been there for us and we are forever grateful!!

I couldn't resist this one. It is so sweet. Lauren and Mark.

World Cancer Day and Cholangiocarcinoma Awareness Month: Wish We Didn't Need Either of Them

Hi Everyone,

Well, today is World Cancer Day. It is a day to promote awareness and remember all those that it has taken, those fighting, and those that have won. I wish we never had to have a day like this and that their was no such word as cancer. It is also Cholangiocarcinoma Awareness Month. I definitely wish their was no such word as Cholangiocarcinoma because then Lauren would still be here. But cancer does exist and we must fight for a cure. Hopefully, we will see it in our lifetime.

The holidays are over and I wanted to decorate Lauren's grave with something festive for Valentine's Day. Lauren loved every holiday and always made them special. Valentine's Day was directed mostly at Gio, but we usually got some leftover cookies that she made. She was always making cookies!! So, I made a heart shaped wreath, and bought a lantern that would hold a candle. Mark had looked at grave candles online and they are so expensive. I found an inexpensive but nice one at Flower Factory. I have a ton of huge candles, so they will go to good use. We will always have a candle burning at Wo's grave. This makes Mark so happy, especially when he goes to her grave every morning before work. I usually go after work because I cry every time I go there and I don't want to look a mess at work. We went shopping last Saturday and found these really cool LED lights that look like starbursts and change color. I knew Wo would love them. Of course, when I was putting them together I busted one, but Mark fixed it as usual! You can see one is missing the starburst at the top in the picture. I also found a pink twisty thing that twirls in the wind. Her grave looks beautiful. I posted this on Facebook, but for some of you this is your first look at this.

We are supposed to get a big snowstorm tonight. I hope it doesn't get too bad. I cannot wait until spring!!

Kristen had posted about Cholangiocarcinoma Awareness Month on Facebook and Lauren's surgeon, Dr. Sonnenday, posted a very sweet message. He wrote: Lauren lives on in many ways, but inspiring us to find the answer to this disease is a mighty one. I think of her every day. He tried so hard to help her and we are so grateful for his effort. I really miss taking Wo to U of M for treatments and doctor visits. I felt like we were really doing something to kill her cancer. We had a lot of special moments there. We found sandwiches in a vending machine there that we liked better than the cafeteria food. There would usually only be one of the ones that we both like best, but I would always make sure Lauren had it. She would always laugh at me when I would sit there and pretend pout because I had to eat the crappy sandwich. Wow, crazy to say that I miss her chemo days!! I miss everything about her. 

I was going through old pictures and I found this one that I love. It was windy and my hair was going crazy. Wo was trying to help get it under control. I miss every moment we ever spent together, but at least I have some pictures and my memories. That is about it for today. Thanks for continuing to be interested in what I write. Love to all of you,

-Pam