Monday, February 24, 2014

I'm So Glad This Past Week Is Over

Hi Everyone,

Well, I made it through last week!! I have to say it was so difficult and so emotional. I worked most of the days and I would get teary there every day. One of the days, a cashier asked how I was (My standard answer is usually "Good, how are you?"), but this day I said "Not great." She asked why and I told her that my daughter had passed away in the summer from cancer and that Saturday was to have been her wedding day. There are only a few people at work that know this and I don't go around telling everyone. I busted out crying and she said she was so sorry. This guy that is in charge of memberships came up to us to tell us something and saw that I was crying. He said, "Oh, I am not very good at handling emotional stuff" and turned away. A couple other cashiers came over to see what was wrong. He came back and said that he was sorry and didn't know what to do. Another cashier walked toward me and hugged me and said "This is what you do." It is so weird how uncomfortable some people are with their feelings. I try very hard never to become emotional at work, but this day it was just too much. I left every day last week crying as soon as I hit the door and cried all the way home. My eyelids looked like water balloons. I was a mess. Friday and Saturday were the absolute worst days because I was thinking about how happy Wo would have been.

Mark sat me down and we had a huge chat. I have to try to be happy or he is afraid I will die from my unhappiness. I have to let go of hoping Gio will ever be in our lives again. The reason Gio was in our lives was because of Lauren and now she is not here, so he needs his own life. It is like I am grieving him as well. I keep saying that I want Lauren back and he keeps telling me that will never happen. I told him that I cannot go on being this sad and all I want is to be happy. I am the only one that can do this. So far, yesterday and today, I have been some better. I try to focus on the good things and try to push the bad thoughts away. I was watching the Olympics one night and a mom of a snowboarder that had died of a head injury was being interviewed. The interviewer asked her if losing her daughter was the worst thing she could imagine. She said no. The worst thing would be never to have had all the years she had with her daughter and she was grateful for all of them. This is how I have to think. I had so many wonderful times with Wo. I need to focus on those instead of the sad times. I think what is holding me back is the hurt of not being able to see her, talk to her, or hug her. I do talk to her all the time, but I wish she could answer. If I am not feeling better soon, I may seek professional help and see about switching medication that I am on because it is not working anymore.

Sometimes I cannot believe I write about such personal things, but it is my choice to reveal my thoughts to you. I don't talk about my family's personal feelings because that is private and only something they can talk about if they wish to. Also, if you are sick of hearing what I talk about you can quit reading this blog. But, by the number of people that are reading, you must find it interesting. I hope you are getting a first hand view and realize that family is everything and children are so precious.

Here is to feeling better and being happy!! I will leave you with some great pics. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support on Facebook.


Sis and Wo one Halloween as old ladies. Ryan was an M&M. I can still hear them doing the Dany Carvey "church lady." Isn't that special.

Wo and I used to work at the same grocery store, Giant Eagle. On my 50th birthday, she gave me flowers, balloons, and a gigantic card. She was always so thoughtful and caring as are my other children. I love them all so much.


  1. Oh Pam.....I even still think about Lauren often....and I smile. I smile from all the great memories that you have shared and the awesome pictures of your family. Almost like I really know you all....but have never met you! It is easy for people to say...."just remember the good times...that is what Wo would want" BUT I tell my kids THAT is REALLY what I want them to do. I am/will be someday (unless there is a miracle) in the same boat as Wo. I want my kids to remember the good times and laugh about all the fun, stupid, happy, crazy moments we had. And from what I have witnessed through your blog, your family has just as great of memories. Don't let them get lost while you are grieving. I am coming to Ohio as soon as my daughter comes wait and see!! I will see you and Lisa both with hugs and squeezes!! I give Mark a big pat on the back for stepping up to the you still have a family who needs you and Wo would definitely want you to be a happy person. Prayers and many hugs to you.....and this post makes my heart a little less heavy for you as I believe you are on your way up....up....UP! Patty

    1. We thank you for sharing your heart - - that in itself is part of the healing process. Your great loss is still so new and you are not given a time-frame to heal. When the pain seems unbearable, think of the words of the hymn "Take It To The Lord in Prayer" which tells of times when we are "weak, and heavy laden"-- WE don't have the strength to go through this alone - - and we are not alone - - only the LORD carry us through these times. Over and over again, we have seen great sorrow turn into great peace.
      We pray for this peace to embrace your hearts. Much Love, Rod & Janice

  2. Pam as hard as it was losing my Mom to CC I can't fathom losing one of my children. April 3rd will be 5 years since losing Mom. I'm still not "over" it and never will be. I miss her so much and would give anything to just have 5 minutes to talk to her. One of the oddly comforting things someone told me was that GRIEF IS NOT AN EVENT IT'S A JOURNEY AND A PROCESS. It won't just vanish. You will find your pathway to your new "normal" but it's a journey only you can take. There is no timeframe for grieving and no two people will grieve in the same way or timeframe. I believe it's the hardest thing we ever do. After 5 years it's a little better but I can still be unhinged and reduced to tears by being in a store and smelling my Mom's perfume on someone walking by.

    Please know we are here for you and pray for you. Wo was a beautiful, spirited woman and I have a feeling I know where she got a lot of that from....(YOU!).

    You are dealing with so many losses and it's NORMAL to be grieving ALL OF THEM!

    Be kind to yourself and know your CC family is always here (somebody is ALWAYS online!!)

    I'm sending hugs, prayers and understanding. Please keep writing. You will never know how many people are helped and validated by reading this blog...

    Love and Hugs,

    Pam Rice (Cherbourg on the CC site)

  3. Pam,
    I’ve mentioned before, but I have a difficult time commenting from my iPhone. I read your posts and think of you often and feel bad when I can’t write a few lines. Just want you to know.
    I saw a quote in a heart that pretty much sums everything up. It said “I will always miss my child. Never ask if I’m over it. Even a little.”
    I don’t have answers, but I care and feel so sad about Lauren. I believe (hope) you will be together again. I’m not a religious person, but I have faith there is a bigger purpose than our day to day existence.
    You have been through a war and grief as you know can be totally overwhelming. You are a strong person, but losing a child is the toughest. You are doing remarkable considering everything you and your family have been through. You are trying the best you can so don’t be too hard on yourself. Life is forever changed and you are doing the best you can to put your life back together. You are a determined person and did everything you could to save Lauren’s life. We are similar in this way which is why accepting the things we cannot change is most difficult.
    Pam, you are such a great person and I know this without ever meeting you face to face! Somehow with time and perseverance you will get through this. You will continue to be the steadfast mom and role model your other children know and love. They also know because you have taught them that it’s ok to be sad, because it’s a normal part of being human and helping each other through the hard times is what you do for people you love. Take care.
    Hugs, Cathy & Heather