Well, I made it through last week!! I have to say it was so difficult and so emotional. I worked most of the days and I would get teary there every day. One of the days, a cashier asked how I was (My standard answer is usually "Good, how are you?"), but this day I said "Not great." She asked why and I told her that my daughter had passed away in the summer from cancer and that Saturday was to have been her wedding day. There are only a few people at work that know this and I don't go around telling everyone. I busted out crying and she said she was so sorry. This guy that is in charge of memberships came up to us to tell us something and saw that I was crying. He said, "Oh, I am not very good at handling emotional stuff" and turned away. A couple other cashiers came over to see what was wrong. He came back and said that he was sorry and didn't know what to do. Another cashier walked toward me and hugged me and said "This is what you do." It is so weird how uncomfortable some people are with their feelings. I try very hard never to become emotional at work, but this day it was just too much. I left every day last week crying as soon as I hit the door and cried all the way home. My eyelids looked like water balloons. I was a mess. Friday and Saturday were the absolute worst days because I was thinking about how happy Wo would have been.
Mark sat me down and we had a huge chat. I have to try to be happy or he is afraid I will die from my unhappiness. I have to let go of hoping Gio will ever be in our lives again. The reason Gio was in our lives was because of Lauren and now she is not here, so he needs his own life. It is like I am grieving him as well. I keep saying that I want Lauren back and he keeps telling me that will never happen. I told him that I cannot go on being this sad and all I want is to be happy. I am the only one that can do this. So far, yesterday and today, I have been some better. I try to focus on the good things and try to push the bad thoughts away. I was watching the Olympics one night and a mom of a snowboarder that had died of a head injury was being interviewed. The interviewer asked her if losing her daughter was the worst thing she could imagine. She said no. The worst thing would be never to have had all the years she had with her daughter and she was grateful for all of them. This is how I have to think. I had so many wonderful times with Wo. I need to focus on those instead of the sad times. I think what is holding me back is the hurt of not being able to see her, talk to her, or hug her. I do talk to her all the time, but I wish she could answer. If I am not feeling better soon, I may seek professional help and see about switching medication that I am on because it is not working anymore.
Sometimes I cannot believe I write about such personal things, but it is my choice to reveal my thoughts to you. I don't talk about my family's personal feelings because that is private and only something they can talk about if they wish to. Also, if you are sick of hearing what I talk about you can quit reading this blog. But, by the number of people that are reading, you must find it interesting. I hope you are getting a first hand view and realize that family is everything and children are so precious.
Here is to feeling better and being happy!! I will leave you with some great pics. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support on Facebook.
|Sis and Wo one Halloween as old ladies. Ryan was an M&M. I can still hear them doing the Dany Carvey "church lady." Isn't that special.|
|Wo and I used to work at the same grocery store, Giant Eagle. On my 50th birthday, she gave me flowers, balloons, and a gigantic card. She was always so thoughtful and caring as are my other children. I love them all so much.|