I Got Nothing...But I Can Always Talk About Wo!!

Hi Everyone,

I know it is time for a new post, but I must be having what they call writer's block. I can't think of a darn thing. So, I decided to just start typing in hopes that something might pop into this tired, old head of mine. Still nothing. Hmmmmm. I guess it is because this time of year is so boring. Every year this time of year makes me just want to sleep the time away. When Lauren was alive, she still managed to brighten up days with her pizzazzy style. It makes me smile when I think of Ms. Bling.
Here are some examples:



Sequin shirts and earrings the size of Texas!

Hot pink and purple highlights and ear bling!

 

Eyeshadow to match the dress.

Fancy purses!

 

Crazy high heels!

 

Movie star sunglasses and bright pink lipstick!

 

Never a dull moment with Lauren around. She lit up a room like no other and I'm sure her star is one of the brightest in heaven. I found this little cartoon and it describes Lauren to a "T".

 

Wo was one of a kind and will never be forgotten.

Nothing much going on around here. The family is all fine. I guess I better go get all my Christmas stuff put away. Yes, that is right. I still haven't put it away. I am a bit of a procrastinator. Until next time, I hope you are all in good health, safe, and happy.

Love,
-Pam

50 Things About Wo

Hi Everyone,

Happy New Year! Last year was the worst year ever for our family, so we are hoping this year will be much better. New Year's Eve was very difficult to get through. I made dinner at home as usual and we watched the New Year's shows on tv. I saw all the people on tv laughing and smiling and I wondered when we will ever be happy like that again. I hope so much that one day we will be able to laugh and smile like that with joy in our hearts rather than sorrow. It really broke my heart to know that 2013 was the last year Lauren will ever know. She had so many plans for happy times in 2014, especially her getting married to the love of her life. I pray every night that she is happy in Heaven, but I have a hard time believing she is happy without Gio or her family. Since the holidays are winding down, I hope we will be able to feel some better, but I just don't see that happening quite yet. Lauren is constantly on our minds and we feel such a sense of loss and heartbreak. Since this blog is about Lauren, I thought it would be kind of fun to tell you more about her. So, I will tell you 50 things you may or may not know about Lauren. Here goes!!

1. She was born on March 6th, Mark's birthday!

2. She hated mushrooms.

3. She loved watching shows on the Disney channel.

4. She hated clowns and was terrified of them.

5. She could hit a baseball really far.

6. Wo loved to swim and could swim like a fish.

7. She was 5'9" tall.

8. Her favorite colors were black, red, and white.

9. She loved boy bands like 'NSync, O-Town, and One Direction.

10. She always had a smile that could light up a room.

11. She always wanted to be Italian.

12. She once dyed her hair black.

13. Wo loved mac and cheese.

14. She couldn't stand people that were fake or out for their own glory and could spot them from a mile away.

15. Lauren loved to bake, especially cookies.

16. She loved anything blingy and sparkly.

17. Her favorite flowers were red roses.

18. The cologne she liked the best was Lucky.

19. She loved spending time at her Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron's house.

20. When Lauren went shopping and found something on sale, she wouldn't just buy one. She would buy one in every color.

21. Lauren always wanted a Scion XB.

22. She did not like scary movies and was the most scared of Michael Myers.

23. She liked to drive fast and take corners even faster!

24. She loved Coach purses and thought she found her dream job when she landed a job at a Coach store, only to realize she hated high pressure sales and enjoyed working in the stockroom the best.

25. Diet Mountain Dew was her favorite and it was the first thing she asked for after her first surgery.

26. She did not like school at all and was so happy once she graduated.

27. She always looked up to her big sister, Kristen, and loved her very much.

28. She bought tons of high heels but rarely wore them because she felt like a giant.

29. She had a passion for beauty, and could put make-up on and look beautiful like no other. She also had a natural beauty and looked great without make-up as well.

30. She did not like when strangers got too close to her. She would give them the "back off" look.

31. She had the messiest bedroom I have ever seen.

32. She had a knack for sewing and could just whip things up.

33. She wanted to have 6 boys and name them all Italian names.

34. Lauren loved candy, especially super sour candy.

35. She loved huge earrings and is the only person that could pull them off without looking totally ridiculous. If I had to guess, she has over 200 pair.

36. She loved her baby brother, Ryan, and would do anything for him.

37. We have three dogs, but her favorite was Penny. Penny would always sit right with Lauren when she was sick and sleep all night right next to her in her bed.

38. Wo never complained when she was sick. She was always the strongest one in the family to deal with her cancer and always believed she would get better.

40. She always wanted to be a cashier when she was little and wanted a real cash register.

42. She broke her arm twice. Once when she stood up in a baby swing as she was going away from me and fell out and once when she was climbing up the front porch to get away from a dog while on roller skates.

43. She thought her Aunt Linda and Uncle Wayne were hilarious and loved them so much.

44. She loved when Gio's Mom made her espresso and she got all hyper.

45. She had great friends and loved having parties with them at Gio's house.

46. Her laugh made everyone else laugh.

47. She loved to shop and would come home with things for all of us that she knew we would love.

48. She welcomed the new people that came into our family, Bruce, Steph, and Katie, and loved them like family.

49. Her favorite person in the whole wide world was Gio. I think this year would have been their 9th year together. They were so adorable together. I loved him like he was my own. I still do, but never see him anymore. They were to be married Feb. 23rd of this year. It would have been the happiest day of their lives.

50. Family was everything to Wo. And she was everything to us.

This is just the tip of the iceberg with Lauren. I could go on and on with little nuggets about her. She was so much fun to be with and we will never be the same without her. God bless our dear daughter in heaven. My hope is that nobody else ever has to feel the pain we are feeling. I wish you all the happiest, best year ever. Thank you for continuing to read my blog as I keep Lauren's memory alive.

Love,
-Pam

Last year. Wo was so excited for the future!

     

Everything Is Different

Hi Everyone,

I hope you all had a blessed Christmas with family and friends. Our Christmas was nice, but so different this year. We had Christmas with the whole family (my sister and her family, my parents, and our whole family) on Sunday at my Mom and Dad's house. This was the only day our whole family could be together. Kristen and Bruce had to work on Christmas so we didn't get to see them. One of the bad things about being a doctor is that people need you every day, not just when it is convenient!! I am happy they were helping others though. We don't have a traditional meal when we all get together at my Mom and Dad's. We all bring snacks. I think we were all in a cheese coma by the time we left!! Here are a few pics of our Christmas together.

Bruce and Kristen, Grandma Tommie and the backs of Steph and Ryan.

Katie, Matt, Michael, and Wayne (My sister, Linda's, family.) Little Stinky is laying next to Wayne.

 

Ryan and Stephanie ( Linda in the background being Santa).

 

Mark with a beautiful snowglobe from Sis and Bruce.

Sis and Bruce with presents wrapped in Boston Terrier paper from Stephanie.

My Mom and Dad came down to our house on Christmas Eve and stayed overnight. I am so happy they were with us. I think we would have been so sad if it would have been just Mark and I, Ryan and Steph. We had lots of food on Christmas Eve and a huge brunch of sausage, egg, and cheese casserole, cheesy potatoes, and coffee cake. Before we ate and opened gifts, we went to the cemetery to see Wo. Mark and I had taken a lantern up to her grave the night before. It burned all night. Others had candles lit at their loved ones gravesites. We miss Wo so much, but know she is in a perfect place. They say that people that have passed give us signs that they are around us through coins, feathers, time, and butterflies, ladybugs, etc. Well, in this past week I looked at the time on my register at work for no reason. Once it was 1:11, and then it was 3:33. Yesterday, I happened to look at the stove and it was 4:44. Crazy, huh. There was a ladybug on the ceiling yesterday and one on my blanket as well. You might all think I am nuts to believe in this stuff, but if you have lost someone, it brings enormous comfort to get these signs. I always smile, chuckle to myself, and say thanks to Wo. Here are a few pics from yesterday.

Saying hi to our precious Wo.

This is the first time my Mom and Dad saw Lauren's stone. They loved it!!

 

Our beautiful tree.

 

So happy they were here with us!!

For many years we took pictures of the kids sitting on the steps before they opened their presents. We couldn't deal with only having poor Ryan in the photo this year, so we have retired the idea. One year Sis had to work and couldn't be here on Christmas. We thought that was sad. Now, with Wo gone, it is way too painful. Here are some wonderful memories from years past.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had a nice time opening presents. My Mom and Dad left to go to Linda and Wayne's house. We watched Christmas movies all day. I think my favorite is Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase. The Santa Clause is up there too. We had a quiet dinner. I was more upset the days before Christmas than the actual day. Even though I missed Wo and seeing Sis and Bruce, I felt kind of peaceful. Grief is a very strange thing. It hits you at the weirdest times. I am grateful that it didn't hit too hard yesterday. I hope you all appreciated the time you spent with loved ones, because it is by far the greatest gift we could ever receive. God bless you all and have a wonderful New Year!!

Love,
-Pam

Missing Wo

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am just not in the holiday spirit, but still trying to keep with tradition for Lauren's sake and the rest of my family. I am missing the JOY and excitement our family used to have during the holiday season. I guess grief takes over most things. I hope this will be temporary because life won't be much fun if it stays this way. This is the reason I have not been writing posts. I hate being a Debbie Downer and that is what I am right now.

I did go out and get a job. I really don't like it, but hey, it helps pay the bills. I put on my biggest smile and happiest attitude with my customers. They have no idea how sad I am on the inside. It is pretty exhausting pretending to be happy. I know Mark knows how I feel because he does the same thing each day, except he loves his job. Great people that really value his knowledge and expertise. He really deserves that. He misses Wo and is having just as hard of a time as I am.

Lauren's gravestone was finally done and delivered. We had a hard time getting a picture that we loved. The artist that etched the stone finally drew a sketch that Mark and I both loved. It must have been so hard for her to try and capture Lauren's personality with never meeting her or seeing her in person. We love the stone very much and feel better when we go to the cemetery. It is nice seeing a picture of Lauren and being able to touch it. Her eyes seem to follow us wherever we stand. I think she would love the stone and the way we have her gravesite decorated.

 

Kristen and Bruce came home to visit last weekend. We had a nice time with them. They took us to Bonefish Grill on Saturday night. The food was delicious and the company was even better!! Stephanie and Ryan were also able to go with us.

Ryan and Stephanie

 

Sis and Bruce

 

Ryan and Sis

I talked about our traditions a while back. We have a cheesy angel I bought way back before Mark and I were even married at a People's Drug in Summit Mall. We have had it as our tree topper for years. I changed the topper a few years back and of course the kids had a fit about it. So, I kept the angel and put it with my other figurines but did not want it on the top of the tree. We bought this fancy angel that changed color. This year, when I went to put that tree topper up, it fell apart and somehow I busted the wires off of it. So, guess what is on top of our tree? You got it. The old, raggedy angel. I wonder if Wo had something to do with this!! Here is our sad looking angel. It's funny how beautiful it looks to me this year. I am happy it is on top of our tree.

I am sure going to miss wrapping presents and baking cookies with Wo this year. She was so much fun to be around. I miss driving her to Michigan for doctor appointments and chemo. I miss going to the grocery store with her and out to lunch. I miss getting her pills for her before bed and tucking her in. I miss taking care of her. I know she is with us, but I wish so much I could see her and touch her.

I wish you all the happiest of holidays. Please tell your family members you love them often. There is nothing more precious.

Love,
-Pam

Lauren took this picture of herself after she had her Y-90 radioembolization. She had so much hope that she would get better. This picture breaks my heart and makes me cry every time I look at it because she was so brave.

Just Checking In

Hi Everyone,

I just thought I would let you know that everything is ok. I got a job and I am worn out when I get home. This is the reason for new new posts lately. Hopefully, I will write a new post early next week. Mark's job is going great. I am not loving mine, but hey it's a job!! Lauren's headstone is in the final stages and almost done!! The tree is up! This time of year totally freaks me out. Way too stressful. Mark and I are having a difficult time missing our Wo. She loved the holidays and always brought such enthusiasm and excitement to our home. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Talk to you soon.

Love,
-Pam

Traditions

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. As this holiday season is approaching quickly, I am filled with sadness, hopefulness, and fond memories. Sad because Wo will never be here physically with us to enjoy the time of the year she loved so much. I know she will be with us in spirit though. It's funny that my kids and Mark are so into traditions. I love them too, but I am always suggesting that we might change some of these and I am ALWAYS answered back with a loud NO!! I thought it would be fun to let you know the traditions we have every year and how I have tried to change some of them.

The live Christmas Tree... I am the only one in the family that would like an artificial tree. Reason being, I can put it up early and enjoy it longer. It also would not drop needles. We did find a remedy for the needle dropping in the past few years. Frasier firs. These trees have nice, soft needles, but they come at a hefty price. So this year we will probably have to go back to the dreaded scotch pine. Prickly needles that drop and lots of sap that doesn't come off your skin or clothes! We all get bundled up and trapse through an endless field searching for the perfect tree. After many years of Mark cutting it down, the saw has been passed down to Ryan and he does a fine job. After it has been cut, Mark or Ryan drags ito the shaking machine that shakes out all the loose needles and varmints that might be living on the tree. Then we have it bundled and Mark ties it to the roof of the car. So tight that an F-4 tornado would not budge it. So tight that one year Mark forgot the tree was on top of our full size van we had at the time and pulled in the garage. It tore half the luggage rack off the roof of the van, but the tree was secure and unscathed!! Haha. Every year I remind him that the tree is on the roof of the vehicle. We usually go out to eat after our difficult trapsing in the wildnerness or get popcorn and hot chocolate or hot cider at the tree farm. Let me tell you, we are the farthest thing from fashionable in our snow pants, hats and boots!! We have learned a few things after 30 years of this tradition. Don't take dogs with you. It looks so cute when people bring their dogs and let them romp in the snow. Of course, the first time I took my little, chihuahua, Peanut, he found some kind of wild animal poop to roll in when I wasn't looking and we had to deal with him stinking to high heaven on the car ride home. The second thing we have learned is that trees appear way smaller in the field than in the living room. There has been many a time when the tree took up half the room and you almost had to turn sideways to go past it! I try to stress to look for a "skinny tree" every year but sometimes "fat" prevails. I don't know why, but I usually end up putting the lights, garland, and ornaments on the tree by myself ( Wo did help sometimes and so did Sis, but she hasn't lived at home since 2001) because as Mark says "You're so good at it". And I get to take it down too!! But, you know what, I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. We all had the best time picking out our trees over the years and I know Wo would be so sad if we ever went to a fake tree. So, I guess they win this one. A real tree every year.

This is us a few years ago. Notice our lovely ensembles.

 

One of my absolute, favorite pics. They look so happy.

 

The last year Wo would help us find our tree in person. She will always be with us in our hearts and in spirit.

I can see where this would end up being a book instead of a blog post, so I will talk about some of our other traditions in later posts. This will give me something to think about.

Marks starts his new job tomorrow! He works so hard and is great at what he does. This whole business of losing his last job has really hurt him because he put his heart and soul into it. I have seen him in action at work and he is such a bundle of energy. I had an interview yesterday and things look promising for me. It is only part time though and I am looking for full time. Hey, it's better than nothing. It was nice having Mark home with me. Oh, to win the lottery! He has turned into a work out machine!! Running on the treadmill most days and lifting weights. I wish I had his energy.

I put a video on  Facebook already, but Mark and I got some decorations for Wo's grave this week. A pretty, sparkly wreath because Wo loved bling and a cute Santa. We also put two candy cane solar lights there. When we drive into the entrance at the cemetery, we can see her lights way at the back. I don't know why, but seeing those lights in the dark makes me cry every time. I got an e-mail from the place that is doing Lauren's stone and it said it should hopefully be done by Thanksgiving. We can't wait to see it.

This was taken in the dark with my phone. I'm not sure what the lines in the picture are. It looks really pretty in the dark.

I would like to tell you that one of my best friends named Dawn has a great grandson that has just been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma which is a form of cancer. I am just so upset that this little guy has to go through chemo and radiation. They have started a Facebook page and I wanted to give you the link in case you would like to follow Billy's journey. It is called Raise Hope For Little Bill. I have met him and he is such an adorable little boy. Prayers to you, Billy, Dawn, and family.

Ok, time to dig through my pics for a nice one of Wo. Take care, everyone!! I love you all. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Sweet, little Wo always loved the water.

Puppies and Pain In My Heart

Hi Everyone,

I'm still down in the dumper, but hopeful I will feel better soon. Mark and I have both had some weird virus or flu the last few weeks. Sore throat, fever, cough, stuffy nose, body aches. I didn't think we could get the flu because we had flu shots this year, so who knows. We are both feeling better, but we were sick for a long time. I still have a bad cough, but I am getting better.

Mark got a job and we are very grateful for that. He had a drug test Friday and they are waiting for those results and then he can start!! Hopefully, it will be this week. I am still looking. I have applied about ten or more places and no calls yet. I am a great worker and very dependable. I sure hope I can find something soon.

My Mom and Dad came down and took us to lunch yesterday at Grinders. We had a nice time visiting with them. Last evening, they went to Wadsworth's football playoff game with some of their friends and stayed overnight with them.

Sis and Bruce got home last weekend after a week in California where they went to wine country and San Francisco with friends and visited Bruce's family near Sacramento. They had a great time.

My little pups, Peanut and Penny, both had birthdays this week. Peanut was six on Monday and Penny was three yesterday. I don't know what I would do without these little munchkins. They are so sweet and just love to sleep on my lap.

Peanut when we went to go pick him out at the breeder's house. He is only four weeks old in this picture. We had to wait until he was six weeks old before we could take him home. He only weighed a little over one pound when we brought him home.




Little Penny when we first got her from the same breeder we got Peanut from. 

We went to K Mart today and got some cute solar lights that look like little candy canes and put them at Wo's gravesite. She had a tall light that has been there ever since she was buried. Now she has three!! We have been going to the cemetery every day, but now since the time has changed, we get there and it is already dark. We can see her little light shining when we pull into the cemetery and she is buried way in the back. It really pulls at my heart to see that little light shining. I am really bracing for the coming holiday season. I know I will be a real wreck throughout. The pain of missing my child is the worst pain I could ever imagine. She was such a character and loved the holidays so much. I just think of how lonely it will be to bake cookies without her. I wonder how Giovanni is doing. He is probably as sad as we are. I hope we get to see him over the holidays. I really miss him too.

Other than that, we haven't been doing much. I stay up late because my mind races and I sleep in late so I don't have to think about things. Thank goodness for Candy Crush!! That game is so frustrating, but also so invigorating when you win!! Haha. I really want to get out of this rut and enjoy life again. Sometimes I feel guilty for laughing or having fun when I think of all the pain poor Wo had to go through. There really is nothing that will help but time. People always say that the pain never goes away, but you just get used to it. I am very grateful to have an understanding husband, a daughter that makes me laugh and always has words of wisdom, and a son that is so sensitive and will sit with his arm around me and comfort me when I am sad. I am very lucky to have all of them. Please make sure to tell your family that you love them every chance you get.

I will leave you with a pic of our sweet Wo. I will have to take a look through the archives and come up with one that stands out. Thanks for continuing to support us. I do read all of your comments. They are all very sweet. Thank you. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Our cute little Wo in the backyard at my Mom and Dad's house when they lived in Wadsworth.