Hurting More As Time Goes By

Hi Everyone,

Sorry to say that things are not getting better for us. I'm sure things will get worse before getting better. We miss our Wo so much and nothing seems to help us. I'm sure we are going through the grief process and it will take time to feel better. I have a lot of uncontrollable crying and Mark has a lot of anger and sadness. Gio is just beside himself. Ryan has been on vacation with Stephanie's family, so I am not sure how he's doing. He keeps things inside most of the time anyway. Sis just finished her last day of residency on Friday and will be studying all of July for boards. She starts her new job in August, so she is pretty busy. Bruce starts his last year and new job as Chief Resident. Yay for him! My Dad will be having heart surgery at U of M on July 9th to repair a leaky mitral valve. Say a prayer for him, please. I will be going up to be with him and my Mom. Linda and Wayne will also be coming up. He will probably bounce back very quickly since he is the most fit 81 year old I have ever seen. He just had a heart cath done Friday and he is already getting antsy to paint his whole huge deck when he should be resting. You cannot make him sit still for a second!! I am very thankful for my little pooches, Peanut and Penny. They keep me company during the day and comfort me when I cry. They are so sweet. We are going to plant some really pretty rose bushes today that we bought last weekend. We bought them because they are flashy like Wo. Two different shades of hot pink!! I did have my first dream about Lauren last night. She was sitting in an auditorium and I could only see her from the back, but I knew it was her. I thought I would see a lot more signs from her. Other than the pennies right around her funeral time, not much. I am still looking and still believe. I just want to know that she is ok in heaven. Please cherish every day you have with your children. Here is a poem from my good pal, Lainy, from the cholangiocarcinoma website. She always knows just what to say.


 Think about the good times, not the bad,
Laugh at the weird things we did, cry at the sad.
I will be with you in heart, mind, and spirit.
When you need someone to talk to I'll be there listening.
When you are awarded for your success I'll be there smiling proudly.
When you get married I'll be there crying tears of joy.
When you need me most I'll always be there.
I want you to be happy I don't want you to cry over me.
I don't want you to spend your lives in misery.
I want you to move on in your lives. Think of me and smile!
Ours was a great experience of a loving family.
Of love that will last an eternity even though I am gone.
It is only goodbye for a short time for we will see each other again.
Know when the wind blows or the sun shines only on you
That it is me standing next to you.

I hope next time I post that we are all a tiny bit better. Thanks for continuing to care.

Love,
-Pam

This is how I will always remember Wo. The life of the party!!

The Past Week

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. Thanks again for all the support you have given us. We are so grateful. We have been doing alright, not great. I think it gets harder every day that passes. I seemed to have so much strength right after Lauren passed that got me through the calling hours and funeral. Now that reality has set in, I am having a much harder time. Realizing you won't see or hear your daughter until you pass away yourself is very difficult to deal with. We had so many plans and they are now all gone. Mark and Gio are having just as difficult a time. Ryan kind of holds things inside and Sis and Bruce try to keep busy. My Mom rarely cries and I have seen her cry more times in the past weeks than in my whole life. Everyone loved dear, sweet Wo and we will miss her so much. It is going to take a long time to be happy again. My friend, Debbie, came over last week and we walked around my neighborhood. I had a hard time keeping up with her and she had on flip flops!! She is such a great friend and it was nice to talk with her. Mark and I went to Summit Memorials last week and got ideas for Lauren's grave marker. I will keep it a secret until I unveil it here. It is going to be beautiful and I know Wo would love it. We are going to go back this Wed. and order it. It will take 6-8 weeks to be finished and at the cemetery they only pour the cement footers in Sept./Oct. or in the spring. So it will be a while before Wo gets her stone. I have a bunch of stuff at her grave right now until her stone is set. Mark and I go there every day. We had a nice time this past weekend when we went to Kristen's graduation from residency. We left a little after noon on Sat. and Gio went with us. Ryan is on vacation in North Carolina with Stephanie's family.We got to Bruce and Kristen's at about 3:30. My Mom and Dad and sister, Linda were already there. We all put on our dress clothes and went to the venue, a large ballroom at U of M. It was gorgeous and they really pulled out all the stops. There was an open bar and delicious appetizers. Kristen and her classmates went down the hall to another beautiful room for a group pic. I snuck in and took a few pics myself. Dinner was delicious. Most of us had filets, but my Mom and Mark had salmon. We had a fancy mango cheesecake for dessert. There was a program after dinner where awards were passed out and each resident was called up to receive their diploma and we were told what their plans were. Most were going to be doing fellowships, but some like Kristen are going into private practice. Kristen and the other three Chief Residents all gave nice speeches. We were busting with pride. There were also two slide shows. One was for Dr. Sanford, the program director for anesthesia, who is retiring after holding the position for 22 years. He seems like such a wonderful man. The next slide show was of all the residents. They each submitted pictures for this. Some were really funny and some were sad, especially the one Kristen put in of her and Lauren. That made my Mom really sad and she was crying. We saw a few of the many doctors that took care of Lauren when she was in the hospital. We made sure to thank them all for the great care they had given to Wo. The program was over around 10:00 and we headed back to Kristen's to change our clothes and were on our way home. Kristen and Bruce went out and whooped it up with all their pals. We didn't get home until around 2:00 am. Poor Mark had to stop a few times for coffee on the way home. Gio stayed overnight at our house and we went to breakfast at Farmer Boy in the morning.  We stopped at a garden center and got two beautiful rose bushes on the way home and also stopped at the cemetery to say hi to Wo. Gio went swimming with us, then left later because he had a golf date with the men in his family. It was so good to see him and spend time with him. That is about it for the update. We are trying to get used to our new normal, but I have a feeling it is going to take a very long time if we ever get used to things. Please, all of you, try and be patient and kind to those that you love. To everyone for that matter. Things can change so fast. Never pass up a chance to say "I love you". We tell our kids all the time how much we love them and are comforted in knowing that Wo knew she was loved so much. Here are a few pics from Sis's graduation. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Gio!!

Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron!!

 

The always photogenic, Aunt Linda!!

Sis and her best friends, Lisa, Becca, and Meredith.

The U of M Anesthesia Residency Class of 2013!!!!

Proud parents with our Sissy!!

The happy couple, Sis and Bruce!!

Very proud grandparents with Sis! Sorry about my arm in the shot.

The Past Few Days Are A Blur

Our daughter is now buried and life goes on. The last few days have been such a blur that it doesn't seem real. Lauren's calling hours were on Thursday and so many people came to pay their respects. People that were expected, people that were only in her life for a short time but cared enough come, classmates, relatives, people who work with Mark, friends of mine, and people who came from so far away. We were very touched that over 300 people came through the door at the funeral home to tell us how sorry they were and what a beautiful, sweet girl Lauren was. Thank you to all of you that took the time for Lauren and for us. It was difficult for us to see Lauren in her casket. She looked beautiful, but not really like our daughter. I thought her mouth looked different. I know this was only the shell of Lauren, and that her soul and spirit were already gone. She had on a really pretty dress that Kristen and I had gotten for her and a white sweater and pink scarf. I kept touching her hair. Her face and hands were very cold to the touch and her arms felt weird to me. It made me upset that she was so cold. We lifted the cover to make sure her little pink footies were on her feet and they were. Lauren was holding a rosary and had a crucifix with her. Gio's Mom had a rosary made out of roses and it was hanging in Wo's casket. It was so beautiful. Gio had all of Wo's rings on her fingers and left the wedding ring on her, but took her engagement ring to wear on his neck chain. We all stood up by Wo's casket for four hours during the calling hours and were all so emotional and tired afterwards. We had Lauren's wedding dress and veil on display for everyone to see because she was so excited to finally get married to her love, Giovanni. She was so proud of that dress and it sparkled and looked so beautiful, only not as beautiful as she would have looked in it. We had large foam boards of pictures of Wo throughout her life and her dear friend, Melissa, also made one. Kristen put together a slide show that ran the entire time of the calling hours. Many people just sat and watched it, some laughing, and then crying. It was time to leave our girl and get some rest, because the next day was her funeral. Kristen and Bruce, Matt and Katie, and Michael stayed at Gio's that night. Many friends came over as well to keep him company. My Mom and Dad stayed with our friends, Danny and Ann from Wadsworth. Mark, Ryan, and I stayed at our house. My sister, Linda and her husband, Wayne had left for Las Vegas the day before Lauren passed. We all urged them to go, not really thinking things would take a turn for the worse so fast. I felt so bad for them because they wanted to come home so bad after hearing the news, but could not get a flight back that didn't cost more than their whole trip. They finally made it home Thursday night and came up with only a few hours of sleep. We all met at the funeral home at around 11:00, before the calling hours that began at noon and lasted until the service at 1:00. I brought Lauren's baby blanket that she has kept in her pillow all these years from home and Mark layed it in her casket next to her.  There were many people that attended the funeral service including Lauren's surgeon, Dr. Sonnenday and one of Lauren's SICU nurses that we absolutely love named Kim. There were others that came all the way from Michigan and my dear friend, James, drove all the way from Virginia as well as Lauren's friend, Bianca that came just as far. We were so touched by everyone that made the long journey to say good bye. The service was officiated by a priest from St. Anthony's named Father Jim. It was a very heartwarming service. Bruce also spoke and gave such a beautiful talk about Lauren. When the service was over, everyone was dismissed row by row and walked past Lauren in her casket. We got to say our final good byes and I tucked her blanket around her hand so that she would have it forever. We also had Wo's wedding dress and veil put in her casket with her. The casket was loaded into the hearse and we drove to the grave. Many people chose to walk since it wasn't very far. There was a small awning and four chairs under the awning. Mark and I and my Mom and Dad sat while Father Jim spoke once again and said a prayer. The funeral director handed all of us a rose from Lauren's flowers that were on top of her casket. We visited with family and friends at the gravesite for a little while. We went back to Gio's and visited with family and friends. We were thrilled that Dr. Sonnenday came to the house and we got to visit with him. He could not stay for the wake because he had to get back to Michigan to do a liver transplant later that night. We all left to go to the Carovillese Club for Lauren's wake. Gio's family had graciously offered to do this for us. We had wonderful Italian food from Dontino's restaurant and cake made by Jolene. Many people made cookies too. The place was decorated in red and white. Lauren's favorite color was red. Thank you so much to the Ricchiutis, Romeos (Gio's Nonni and Pa), Jacqui and her family and friends, Dontinos (Anthony, Big Tim) and everyone else that made this such a beautiful celebration of Lauren's life. We felt the love. Most of our relatives and friends left for home. Sis and Bruce didn't leave until Sat. night. Mark and I went and bought me a comfy chair that rocks to take to the cemetery when I go to visit Lauren. We go every day to visit her, even if it is for a short time. We are going to Summit Monument tomorrow to look at stones for Lauren's gravesite. We have in mind what we want for her, so hopefully we can get it soon. I am keeping very busy. I went to breakfast with friends yesterday and they sure did cheer me up. Thank you Dawn, Debbie, Chyrel, Ruth, and Liz!!! Mark and I had gone to Donzell's and Canton Road Garden Center and bought a bunch of flowers on Sunday. I am having fun planting all of them and making pots. I would like to thank all of you that sent cards, flowers, and donations for the  Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation and TMT Rescue. We are overwhelmed by your generosity and hopefully many people and furry friends will be helped. I will continue to update this blog from time to time. It really helped me to write my feelings down and I hope some of you might consider writing one. Thanks again for everything and I will talk to you soon.

Love,
-Pam

Our precious girl's gravesite. May she rest in peace.

 

A message to Wo from her little brother when she was in the hospital.

Just A Little Update

I just wanted to touch base with all of you and let you know that the last few days have been very tough on all of us, but also some of the most beautiful because of the outpouring of love we have received. It will take a lot of time and energy to let you know all about the past few days and I promise I will as soon as I am up to it. I am absolutely exhausted physically and emotionally. Thank you all so much for coming to the calling hours, funeral, sending cards and flowers, donations to the charities of Lauren's choices, food, and just kind words. We feel so blessed. Talk to you soon.

Love,
-Pam

Paying Respects To Dear Wo

Hi Everyone,

Today is the day when many friends and family will come to pay their respects to our sweet Lauren. We are not sure what to expect, but people keep telling me that they think many people will be at the calling hours. That would be such a comfort to all of us. I'm sorry I didn't post anything yesterday, but the day just got away from me. Mark and I took Lauren's burial outfit to the funeral home and then went to breakfast. Bruce, Sis. Ryan, and Steph stayed all night with Gio and in the morning his neighbors, Barb and Dale brought over a ton of food for them. Muffins, rolls, fruit salad. They are just so good to Gio and have always been so friendly. We received a lovely gift basket from colleagues of Sis and Bruce's in Michigan. Thank you so much. We have been receiving many cards as well. Please know that I will thank you all personally, but it is difficult at this time to mention everyone. Just know we appreciate hearing from each and every one of you. Sis and I went to get our hair done in the afternoon at Salon Kisha. The guys opened our pool and Gio gave Ryan and Mark haircuts. Gio's mom and dad, John and Jolene had asked us all to go to dinner with them last night at a Mexican restaurant. It was John, Jolene, Mark, Sis, Bruce, Gio, Ryan, Stephanie, Jacqui, Bruno, and myself. We had a wonderful time with them talking about Wo. I know Wo would have loved to have been there and that made us all sad. We sure did eat though and it was delicious. Jacqui and Bruno gave us an Italian gift basket. This family is so generous and full of love. We love them all to pieces. Thanks, guys. Our power went off in the afternoon and instead of going home to see if it was on or not, we went to Gio's for a while. I had to finish some pictures I was mounting on foam board for the calling hours. Sis is working on a picture loop for the calling hours that will show on a big screen. We had asked our dear neighbor and friend, Dee Dee to do Lauren's makeup and hair for the funeral. She graciously said yes and said her 17 year old daughter, Haylie would like to do her makeup. I don't know many 17 year olds, let alone many adults that would want to take on this very difficult task. We got a text from Dee Dee saying that Lauren looked beautiful and Haylie sang to her as she(Haylie) made Wo look like Wo. Haylie is very artistic and has similar ideas about makeup. How can we ever thank these two precious ladies. We are forever grateful to you. Sis and Bruce stayed with Gio again and Ryan came home because he missed his own bed. I slept with Penny in Wo's bed hoping to dream about her, but I don't think I did. I have trouble remembering any dreams probably because I am a very sound sleeper. I went to the cemetery twice yesterday. Lauren isn't even buried there yet, but I find it so comforting for some reason. Well, I better get going because we are to be at the funeral home by 3:00 and it will be here before we know it. thanks again for your support and love. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Fun times with our family.

Busy Day

Hi Everyone,

We had a very busy day today. But, first I will tell you about last night. Gio had a bunch of guys over last night at his house and Ryan and Stephanie went over. Bruce and Sis decided to go over as well and stayed overnight with him. I got up early and got McDonalds for breakfast and took it over. All the boys went to our house to have a workout session in the basement. Afterward, Gio and Bruce went back to Gio's to mow his lawn. Sis and I went shopping for a dress and sweater to bury Wo in. We found a really pretty dress, but had a really hard time finding a long sleeved sweater. We finally found a really pretty white one at Macy's.  I was ok until I picked out a little pair of slipper socks for Wo and I totally had a crying spell in Burlington Coat Factory. This is how it has been for all of us. Sis and I had lunch at Panera and it was sad because Lauren loved to eat at Panera. We were looking through all of our pictures later today to mount on foam board for the calling hours. Lauren was such an adorable baby and child that it broke our hearts. I made Sis drive me to the cemetery again today so I could look around. Everything seems as if it is not real. We had pizza and salad for dinner at our house with the whole gang. It was good to see Gio today. He is the closest thing we have to Wo and we sure do love him. Sis is working on pictures for a slide show at the calling hours. She has been such a big help to me these past few days. Our house is a little in shambles. I was gone for almost a month and Mark was up there for a lot of the time. Imagine if you will, how a house might look when a 21 year old boy is left to take care of everything and three dogs. Now, multiply that by 100!! I think it will take a month to get this house back in order. I really shouldn't say anything about Ryan. He is a very good kid, but his idea of clean and mine are two different things. Love you, Bub!!! I have been sleeping every night in Lauren's bed and last night I was on my computer and fell asleep. I woke up laying on my laptop, the lights on, and the tv still on at 5:30. I remembered I never fed my dogs either. I think not much sleep in the hospital is really catching up. Mark and I are taking Lauren's clothes and makeup to the funeral home tomorrow. Our next door neighbor, Dee Dee and her daughter, Haylie are going to do Wo's makeup and hair. We are so honored that they said yes when we asked if they would do it. Dee Dee is a hair dresser and Haylie is a cool kid with a passion for art. She has a similar way of doing her make up and as you can tell, Lauren had her own style where fashion and makeup are concerned. Sis and I have hair appointments in the afternoon. I can't even remember the last time I had a haircut. That is about it. Thanks to all that have written e-mails, messages on the funeral home site, messages on Facebook and this blog. They are all so nice and really help all of us. We sure are blessed to know all of you. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Beautiful sisters.

Lauren's Funeral Arrangements

Hi Everyone,

We had a tough night last night because everywhere we turn in our house, something reminds us of Wo. I slept in her bed last night that is in our living room with our two little dogs hoping I might get a sign that she is around. I did find a penny on the floor which might be from her. I know she will never show herself through butterflies, birds, bugs, or anything else with wings because she doesn't like them and is scared of them. I know you probably think I've gone off the deep end, but I do believe people come back somehow to let us know they are ok. Gio stayed at his parents house last night because he couldn't bare being at his house by himself. We told him he can stay here whenever he wants and we want to continue to be in his life as often as he wants us. Mark, Ryan, Gio and I went to breakfast at Farmer Boy this morning for breakfast. Then we went to the funeral home to make arrangements for Lauren. The lady that took care of us made everything very easy and we feel good about our decisions. Lauren will be buried in Uniontown so we can go visit her gravesite whenever we want. Her obituary will be in the Akron Beacon Journal on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm sure if you google the paper you will find it online. Here are the details:

Funeral services will be held Friday June 14th at 1:00 pm at Hopkins Lawver Funeral Home
3553 Northdale Street Uniontown, Ohio 44685
(1 block NW of the square of 619 and Cleveland Avenue)

Friends may call at the funeral home 4-8pm Thursday June 13th and from 12 noon Friday until service time.

Burial will follow at Uniontown Greenlawn Cemetery.

We suggest in lieu of flowers that memorials be made to:

The Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation
5526 West 13400 South, #510
Salt Lake City, Utah 84096

or

TMT Pet Rescue (an animal rescue group that saves and fosters dogs and finds them forever homes)
c/o Katie Brodie
2675 Maitland Circle
Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio 44223

Thank you all for continuing to support our family through Facebook messages and e-mails. We really appreciate your love for Lauren.

Sis and Bruce are coming to our house tonight and will be here through the weekend.

Love to all,
-Pam