Marathons, Friends, And Coconut Cream Pie!

Hi Everyone,

I guess it is about time for another post. Thanks so much for continuing to read my blog! I am getting excited for this weekend. It is the Akron Marathon and as I have said before, Ryan is running the half marathon on Lisa Craine's team. She has the same cancer as Lauren had. She has been battling for three years, has had many surgeries, chemos, and radiation. Her cancer has come back five times, yet she is so hopeful and positive and never loses faith. We are raising money for the Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation and all the money will go to cancer research. It is such a rare cancer that it doesn't get much publicity or funding like the more common cancers. If you would like to know more or to donate, please go to this website. www.crainescancercure.org  Thanks so much to all of you that have been so gracious to sponsor Ryan and hopefully to those who will. I know Wo will be so proud of her brother and will be running right along with him in spirit. Thanks for listening and that's the last time I will ask for donations for this event...until next year! Speaking of Lisa, we had a nice lunch last week at the Hartville Kitchen. We laughed, talked about Lauren, and ate coconut cream pie!

Lisa and I at lunch. Not the best pic because I took it with my phone.

Mark and I didn't do that much over the weekend. I watched a lot of football. Ohio State and the Browns won so I was very happy.

I had a fun time going to breakfast with all my friends from when I worked at Giant Eagle for 11 years. There are a handful of us that have remained close and do a lot together. This week they were there plus some others that I don't see very often. They are all so loyal and I think of them more as family than just friends.




My Giant Eagle friends at breakfast.

My Mom and Dad are coming to stay with us this weekend and go to the race with us. We are probably going to have to leave the house at 5:00 am. Wow, I am not a morning person. I promise I will take pics this weekend and let you know all about it.

I have been feeling better these past few weeks. I'm just hoping the bottom doesn't fall out again. Maybe I am getting better!! I know Mark has been having a really hard time lately. He is having a hard time believing Wo is really gone. They dug the hole and poured the footer for Lauren's stone at the cemetery this week. That means that her stone may be done soon. We can't wait to see it. I will leave you with another pic of our sweet Wo. Take care and God bless.

Love,
-Pam

 

Sassy Wo!!

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me!

Hi Everyone,

Well, last week started out as a normal week, not much going on. I got a call on Wed. evening that my Dad was in the hospital again. What is going on with all my family being in the hospital!! He had gone for his cardiac rehab and the therapist didn't like how he looked, so he decided to wheel my Dad over to emergency. He had an x-ray and a scan and they found blood clots in his lungs. He was admitted to the hospital and was given blood thinners. I didn't tell him or my Mom, but I drove up and surprised them. I know, I'm sneaky. He was released on Thursday afternoon, but has to go back every few days to have his blood checked to make sure it is not too thin. I stayed and visited with them for a few days and went home Sat. afternoon. I get such comfort being with my Mom and Dad. I love you guys!!

Ryan went up to Kristen and Bruce's on Friday and spent a few days with them. He had so much fun. They went out to eat Friday night. He and Sis went kayaking on the Huron River Sat. morning. They had a double kayak and neither of them had ever been in one before. They tipped over once and Sis lost her shoe, but found it later. Here are a few pics of our sporty kids.

That evening, the two sportsters, along with Kristen's friend, Becca, ran in a 5k called the Neon Vibe. The proceeds benefited the Children's Miracle Network. They had a ball getting all dirty and running in the dark. Here are some pics of that.

 

 

Bruce didn't get to go to the race because he was working that night, but the next morning Sis, Bruce, and Ryan went out to breakfast. Ryan left for home Sun. afternoon.

Ryan will be running a half marathon in a few weeks at the Akron Marathon. He is running for Craine's Cholangiocarcinoma Crew in memory of Lauren. I am so proud of this kid for wanting to help find a cure for this cancer. Go to www.crainescancercure.org if you would like to donate.

Not much else going on. Mark and I might drive down to Amish country tomorrow since it is his day off. Other than that, who knows. Mark is feeling fine after his scare with his heart. I will leave you with a pic of our sweet Wo. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Wo getting chemo and Ryan keeping her company. Poor kid had lost most of her hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes. This is a rare shot of Wo with no makeup, the way I liked her best.

A Little Scare

Hi Everyone,

Well, another week has come and gone. Lat week seems like such a blur to me and for good reason. There was not much going on the whole week and then Friday morning...POW!!

I woke up early in the morning and noticed a bunch of lights were on in the house. Mark usually gets ready for work and tries not to wake me. He was coming up the steps and looked really weird. He looked at me and looked so pale and grey. He said he didn't feel well. he was dripping sweat and just looked awful. I began to panic thinking he was having a heart attack. He asked me to take him to the hospital, so I ran and brushed my teeth and threw some clothes on. I really thought I should call an ambulance, but he insisted I drive him. I took him to Mercy in Canton and if he wasn't having a heart attack I think he was going to after the way I drove there!! They were great at getting him right in the ER and did an EKG immediately. His heart rate was over 140 and his BP was really low for him. His EKG showed an irregular heartbeat. He was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation aka a-fib. This is a heart arrythmia where the upper chambers pump all crazy while the lower chambers pump normally. The blood doesn't get all the way pumped out of the heart and could lead to a clot. They gave him some meds to try and regulate his heartbeat and then started a drip of heparin to keep clots from forming. He was not happy when they said he would need to be admitted. They did an echo cardiogram and found that his heart is great. No blockages and it is healthy. We saw the cardiologist on Sat. and he said he doesn't know why this happened. Some people get it and have to be on meds to control it. Others only have it once in awhile and some never get it again. He wants to see Mark and if it happens again, he will decide what to do. But he didn't want to put him on meds every day just yet if ever. Since Mark doesn't drink or smoke, which could be two contributors, we narrowed it down to sleep apnea. Mark does snore and did do part of a sleep study last year and just didn't go back for the second part because he hated the masks on the C-Pap. So he will now have to try again and see if that helps. I am just so grateful that he didn't have a heart attack. He was released on Sat. afternoon and we couldn't get out of there quick enough. He really hated being in the hospital.

One good thing that came out of this was that Kristen came home. She was very supportive and helpful through all of this and agreed with everything that was done for Mark. We sure love our Sissy. Bruce was on call so he was not able to come. Ryan and Stephanie came to the hospital Fri. night and we all went to Rockne's for dinner. It was nice to be together but we missed Mark, Bruce, and especially Wo. Kristen went home Sat. afternoon and Mark and I went to El Rincon for dinner. He was tired the rest of the weekend because he got no sleep in the hospital. He went back to work yesterday and is doing fine.

I told you last time that I had joined some grief groups online. The one I joined had so many members that it was way too overwhelming and I just don't think I could've read one more post about someone's child overdosing or committing suicide. So I left that group. I found another one that is smaller and the people are very nice, but I still don't know if this is the way to go. Hearing about everyone else's terrible experiences does not make me feel better, only makes me feel sad for myself and them. I talked with a dear lady I know that has a background in psychology and I asked her if she thought I would benefit from therapy. She said yes and that it would help to talk with someone and let everything out. I am the only one that can decide when the time is right. I also want to get a part time job eventually too. I am looking here and there, but am being very picky. I don't want to get into anything super stressful or I will just crumble. One day at a time!

Yesterday was the three month date of Lauren's passing. We all did ok. I thought I would be crying all day, but I didn't. I usually only get sad when it is least expected and I don't know what triggers it. I did cry when I was talking to my friend on the phone, but that was about it. We all miss Wo so much and I think we always will. We just have to learn how to deal with it. Sorry I don't have many pictures this week. I am going to look through my files to find a good one. That is about it for now. Take care and God bless.

Love,
-Pam

Lauren with two of her best friends, Melissa and Cindy. It is Melissa's birthday today and I'm sure Wo would love to be celebrating with her and all her friends. I hope all Wo's friends remember her with smiles on their faces.

Labor Day

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all having a great Labor Day. Sorry to say, but this past week has been the hardest for me yet. Darnit, I thought I was supposed to get better, not worse. I am feeling good today so I will forget the past week and forge ahead. I know, I know...One day at a time. This is just exhausting and I can't wait for the day when I can think about Wo with a smile on my face!

Mark was off Sunday and is off today and tomorrow as well. He is so excited to have that many days off in a row. Poor guy hasn't had a vacation since 2011 when we went to Myrtle Beach. The last two years, his vacation was taken as days off when we went to Michigan with Lauren. It is raining right now, but we are hoping to go swimming once the sun comes back out. I made a big breakfast this morning and tried a new recipe called Baked Praline French Toast. It was about 9 million calories worth of goodness.

In honor of Labor Day, Mark and I decided to do a little labor of our own. There is a big monument back by Lauren's grave that always looked terrible. It is dedicated to someone that must have donated money to keep the cemetery looking nice. Hmmmm on that one. The weeds were so grown up and the bushes were all raggy looking. This bothers me every day when we go to visit Wo because we drive in that way and have to look at it, so we decided to take matters into our own hands. Mark loaded up the Explorer with tools, a blower, and tarps and we went to tackle this mess. I want Wo's body to be in a nice place, and it is except for that eyesore. It was crabgrass city and we ripped it all out and trimmed the bushes. Mark was laughing and saying the cemetery workers are probably scheduled to clean it up tomorrow and will have a party when they see it was already done. I don't know whose responsibility it is to keep it nice, but I guess we have kind of adopted it. Here are some before and after pics.

The disaster we looked at every day when going to see Wo.



Mark hard at work and you can see Lauren's grave in the upper left corner. The tiny red dot is flowers at her grave.



Much better.

I feel like we did our good deed for the day!! Feels great.

Mark and I sitting in the comfort of our air conditioned SUV after some hard work.

I have joined a support group online for parents who have lost children. I'm not sure yet if it is right for me or not. It has over 5,000 members and everyone's stories are so heart wrenching. While the members are so friendly and welcoming, I don't know if this will make me sadder hearing about everyone else. I still belong to my Cholangiocarcinoma website, but don't know if I fit in there either. Most people on there are fighting for their lives and I'm not sure if they want to hear from a Mom that had a child die due to this cancer. Not too uplifting for them. I'm still searching for my purpose and what I am supposed to do. I know I will figure out what that is when it hits me on the head!!

Well, as usual I will leave you with a memory of Lauren.

 

Poor little punkin was even beautiful without her hair. She endured such hardship, but always had a smile.

Have a nice holiday everyone and remember to tell those close to you that you love them every day!!
Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Trying To Keep Busy

Hi Everyone,

I am not really sure why I continue to write this blog, but I guess I do it to make myself feel better and in some way keep Lauren's memory alive. Today is a hard day for me for some reason. Grief is very sneaky. You can think you are getting stronger and more able to handle your feelings and then BOOM, something triggers a huge wave of sadness and you have to start over. Today is one of those days for me and I have noticed Mark and Ryan are having difficult times lately as well. The realization that sweet Wo is not coming back really hurts sometimes. Don't worry, we will all get over this hump and be stronger than before.

Mark and I have been trying to stay busy and have fun. We have realized life is short and you need to make the most of it. We went to Atwood Lake one day and rented a pontoon boat. We visited some historic buildings and gardens in Zoar. We went to the Portage County Fair yesterday since Lauren loved to go every year. We have been using our pool since it has been hot lately and we even had a bonfire one night. One of our neighbors got a bunch of trees cut down and let us have some wood. I went to breakfast with friends one day last week and we were laughing so hard and being so loud that I don't think the restaurant would care if we ever came back!! I went up to my Mom and Dad's house last week for a few days and had a great time visiting. I went with them one day to look for new cell phones. They finally got them and I went back to their house and drank two beers after the fiasco we had to go through. If you know me at all, you know I rarely drink, but it was a nice end to a trying day. Their friends from Wadsworth, Danny and Ann, came to visit one day when I was there. We have known them since I was a little kid, so it was great to see them and catch up. My Dad is doing great recovering from his surgery. He had an appointment today at U of M and hopes to get off some of his meds. He has been a model patient and we went out and walked a few times when I was there. I could hardly keep up with him!!

Mark and I at Atwood Lake cruising around on a pontoon boat.

My Mom figuring out her new smartphone!
 

My Dad with his plain Jane phone!!

Kristen and Bruce are doing well. Sis started her new job and loves it. She has a lot of responsibility since she is in charge now rather than being supervised as a resident. She is a born leader and will be great. She and Ryan are going to run in a 5k in a few weeks in Detroit called The Neon Vibe. It will benefit the Children's Miracle Network. The runners wear white and put glow in the dark stuff all over them and then run. I guess there are black lights so they will glow. This is right up Ryan's alley because he likes to go to Raves, although this is not a Rave. He loves dubstep music and likes to dance with glow in the dark stuff on. I know Raves get a bad name because there is drug use involved at them, but Ryan swears he stays clear of all that and just enjoys the music. He is a good kid, so we totally believe him. Here is an ad for the race.

Our friend, Lisa Craine, and her husband David have formed a fundraiser that raises money to help find a cure for Cholangiocarcinoma, the cancer Lauren had and Lisa still has. We became great friends with Lisa and have gone to lunch many times with her. I have posted many pics of us together on this blog. Lauren always felt so at ease with Lisa and they would talk and talk about their cancer and many other things. Lisa was going to be a bridesmaid in Lauren and Gio's wedding. Anyway, the fundraiser is done through the Akron Community Foundation and The Akron Marathon. They raised over $14,000 last year and hope to raise more this year. They are called Craine's Cholangiocarcinoma Crew and this year they are dedicating the fundraiser in honor of Wo. I think this is so sweet and I sure hope a lot of money is raised to benefit the finding of a cure for Cholangiocarcinoma. This cancer does not receive much funding because it is considered rare, so they need all the help they can get. Here is the link to Lisa and David's website. There is a video of them and much more. Thanks for doing all this David and Lisa. You two are amazing!!    www.crainescancercure.org
 

This is Wo and Lisa the last time they would ever have lunch together. Breaks my heart.

That is about it for now. I have a Direct TV guy here adding a Genie to our system. DVR, HD, and the whole shebang on all our tvs. Woo Hoo!!! I will leave you with a sweet pic of our Wo when she was a little girl. Oh, how I wish this was a bad dream and I would wake up. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

About Time For A New Post

Hi Everyone,

Sorry it has been so long since I last wrote anything, but I never had time to sit down and write until today. A lot has happened since then. I hope I can remember everything. I can't even remember what I had for dinner yesterday let alone remember everything that went on the last few weeks!! Many of you that have Facebook have already seen and heard about what I am writing, but this is for those of you that don't have Facebook. Ok, here goes.

I got a tattoo!! Ever since Lauren passed away I have wanted something permanent to remember her by. So what could be more permanent than a tattoo!! I used to tease Mark when I was younger that I wanted a tattoo and he would get so mad at me. I guess we grew up in the day where the only people that had tattoos were guys in the service and motorcycle gangs. He did not think a tattoo was very ladylike and I agreed. I now know I was being judgmental and that people get tattoos for many reasons including remembering someone that is gone. Mark didn't have a problem with me getting it now and he might even get one. I love mine and what it represents. The tattoo parlor that I visited was everything I imagined and then some. Lots of skulls, a huge guy with long hair and a bandana around his head covered with tattoos, incense burning, and '70's music blasting. I felt like I was in an episode of Sons of Anarchy!! But, I have to tell you, Big Jeff, as my tattoo artist is known, was one of the sweetest men ever. His wife, Tammy, and his other artist, Marvin, were equally as nice and so sympathetic to our loss. I had found a tattoo online that I really liked and wanted to add Lauren's name to it. Big Jeff came up with the perfect design and I was so excited. I wasn't really scared because I knew I could handle how much it hurt because Lauren had handled so much more. And hurt it did, like having my arm cut with razor blades. I had to wince a few times and dig my hand into my leg, but I did it!!! Here is my beautiful tattoo.

My Dad had surgery on Aug. 2nd to repair his mitral valve in his heart. It was leaking very badly and probably was born that way, but his heart was enlarged and it was getting worse. The surgery went great and he was in the cardiac ICU where they woke him up, extubated him, and everything was great. He did have 2 drains in his chest, a big incision, ivs, and monitors. My Mom and I were there as well as my sister, Linda, and her husband, Wayne. Bruce and Kristen also came by after work. Linda and Wayne left for home that evening and my Mom and I stayed at Sis and Bruce's house. Bruce got a page early the next morning that my Dad was in trouble. He woke me and my Mom up and all I could think was "Please God, you already took Lauren. Don't take my Dad." I guess he was fine all night and then all of a sudden, he couldn't breathe. He thinks he passed out because he could not take one bit of air in and he was so scared. Both of his lungs had collapsed and emergency measures were taken to help him. He had to have two chest tubes put in to take the air out of his chest so the lungs could inflate. He also had to be intubated again. When we got there, he was sedated. It reminded me so much of Lauren all over again. But when the sedation started wearing off, he could hear us and shake his head and move his hands. How awful it is to be awake and have a breathing tube down your throat. That is one of my nightmares. He finally was able to breathe on his own and the tube was taken out. He was good as new in a few hours!! He is incredible. He stayed in the ICU until Tues. and was moved to the regular floor, where he went home on Thurs. and is doing great. Nothing like scaring us all to death and nobody knows why his lungs collapsed. Here are some pics.

 

Before surgery with Bruce, Lisa, Joel, and my Mom. Lisa is a good friend of Kristen's and is a cardiac fellow. Joel finished his cardiac fellowship and will be working with Kristen at St. Joe's.

Dad and his girls.



They gave my Dad a U of M coughing pillow and being the Buckeye that he is, he thought it was funny to do the O-H-I O. They didnt't find it too amusing up in Wolverine country, but we did.


 

Resting at Sis and Bruce's before going home.

I got home Friday afternoon and was so excited to see my doggies. I made Mark a home cooked meal since he didn't cook for himself the whole week I was gone. What would he do without me? We went to visit Wo at the cemetery and have every day since I have been back. I was pretty good up at the hospital. Only one meltdown. I think I was too busy worrying up there and didn't have a lot of time to think. Since being home, I am sad more, but better than I was. It is going to take a very long time. Her are a few pics of Lauren's grave and of course one of beautiful Wo. We have it decorated until her stone is finished. It is so peaceful there. That is about all for now. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

 

 

 

Small Update On My Dad

Hi Everyone,

For those of you that are friends with my Mom and Dad, here is an update on my Dad. As you know, my Mom doesn't hear very well,so it is easier if I do this than have her call everybody. My Dad's surgery went great and he was extubated and sitting in a chair when we left the hospital last night. Bruce got a page early this morning that my Dad was having troubles. He told the nurse that he wasn't feeling well and started having trouble breathing. His bp started to drop as well. They did a chest x-ray and found out he had air in his chest called a pneumothorax in both sides. They had to sedate him, put the breathing tube back in, and put two more chest tubes in. He is still sedated and on the ventilator, but can hear us and respond to us. They are going to slowly wean him off the vent. His surgeon was in this morning and said this sometimes can happen, but he will be fine. So, as of right now, he is good. Prayers for him are always welcome!! I will write a more in depth post once I have time.

Love,
-Pam