Hiking and Halloween

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. I feel bad writing about how bad I feel because I don't want this blog to be doom and gloom. But, if I am being truthful to myself and to you, I have to tell you how I really feel. I think of Lauren all the time and miss her more than I could have ever imagined. I try and put on a happy face when I am with others, but the pain in my heart is so great. We finally moved Lauren's bed back up to her room last week. We re-arranged the living room and it looks so different. Wo's bed had been in the living room for over two years. She wanted it there so she wouldn't miss anything when she was not feeling well. She wanted to be with all of us all the time. Mark and I have been going through her room and boy, does she have a lot of stuff! We have already taken at least 8 bags and boxes of clothes and shoes to Goodwill. Wo loved to shop and was always looking for bargains. She has a mini store in her room with toiletries and makeup. She was such a crazy kid!

Mark and I have been trying to exercise every day either in the basement on the treadmill and bike or by walking outside. Saturday we went to Quail Hollow, a park in Hartville, which is a little town right next to ours. I wore a pair of hiking boots Mark had bought me for Christmas back in 2011 for the first time!! I enjoy walking through the woods and I really don't know why we don't walk there more often. It is very peaceful and beautiful.

My cute hiking boots that I have had for two years and wore for the first time on our hike.

My hiking buddy.

Ready to head off on our hike.

Thank you for your prayers concerning Mark and finding a new job. He has a few leads. We are hopeful things will turn out for the best.

I had breakfast with my friends yesterday at the Frontier Restaurant. We all had a good time as usual. Thanks to Dawn, Debbie, Chyrel, Ruth and Liz for making me laugh. You guys are the best.

Well, it is almost Halloween and our Trick-or-Treat is always on Halloween in our neighborhood. Lauren loved Halloween and she and Giovanni always passed out candy at our house. Mark and I will have to pass out candy on our own this year. Halloween is a special day to us because that is the day our Sis was born. She will be 31 this year! Wow, does that make me feel old. I will leave you with a sweet picture of Wo getting ready to go Trick-or-Treating when she was little.

Thanks for continuing to read my blog. Much love to all of you.

-Pam

 

Sweet, little Wo.

I Hope Things Turn Around Soon

Hi Everyone,

I'm really sorry that it has taken me so long to write a new post. I've been having a really hard time lately. See, I knew the bottom was going to fall out sooner or later. Oct. 9th was the four month anniversary of Wo's death and ever since then every day has been very difficult. I try so hard to stay positive and upbeat, but I just can't.

We also had another really bad surprise this week. Mark came home Monday in the middle of the day and said he lost his job. He was very surprised and dumbfounded as was I. That sent me over the edge into a deep, dark hole. We are survivors though, so I have faith Mark will find a new job and so will I. I quit my job in 2011 to be Wo's caretaker and haven't felt that I was healed enough to go back to work yet. How embarrassing would it be to bust out crying at work because something hurts my heart or reminds me of Lauren. It seems as if the pain of losing Wo is intensified now because we have lost our comfort of having stability. I just need to be strong like everyone else is when they lose a loved one.

Ok, enough depressing talk. My Mom and Dad took us on such a fun trip last weekend. We went to St. Clair, Michigan on the Jet Express. It was a four hour sight-seeing trip there and back. We traveled on Lake Erie, Detroit River, Lake St. Clair, and St. Clair River. We saw Detroit, which looked very gritty with steel mills on the river banks. We could see Michigan on one side of the rivers and Canada on the other side. Crazy!! St. Clair was very pretty and the water was much clearer up there. We had a delicious buffet lunch at the St. Clair Inn, a very old hotel. We walked on the boardwalk there and just enjoyed the lovely weather. The boat was a lot of fun. We chose to sit on the top deck and boy was it windy!! We lasted up there the whole trip except for about the last hour. The sun was setting and it got a little too chilly. Mark doesn't do to well on boats, but he got a prescription for Zofran which really helped. He was not tired from it and did not feel seasick at all. My sister, Linda, went with us too. She is always so much fun to be with. We got back to Port Clinton about 7:30, ordered a few pizzas, went back to my Mom and Dad's and crashed. We were all exhausted from the day. We went to the Tin Goose Diner at the Port Clinton Airport for breakfast on Sunday. My Dad and Mark had breakfast that featured chipped beef on toast. I guess when you are in the Army, they call it SOS. (Sh*t on a shingle) Haha!! Anyway, their breakfasts came on a metal tray like it would in the Army. I have pics of our trip and the breakfast that I will post.

I have always loved my family, but I have come to realize this year how much all of them mean to me and that is the world!! Nobody else loves you more than your family and nobody cares for you like your family. I am very blessed to be loved and cared for. If you think of it, please say a little prayer for Mark. He is a great husband and father and one of the hardest working people I know.

Thanks for all of your support. I will try to update more in the future. God bless.

Love,
-Pam

We just got on the boat and got great seats!

Lunch at the St. Clair Inn.

The Boardwalk at St. Clair, Michigan

The Bachman Family



Chillin' in the sun.

The Jet Express

Linda!!

 

What a gorgeous day we had!!!

Perfect sunset.

Mark's gigantic breakfast with his SOS!!


 

And a picture of our sweet Wo....





She was so happy to be shopping for her wedding gown.

A Great Weekend

Hi Everyone,

We had a fun weekend!! My Mom and Dad came down to our house Fri. night and Ryan ran in the Akron Marathon.

We had to be up at 4:00am on Saturday morning to get Ryan to downtown Akron for his running debut in the Akron Marathon's half marathon. My Mom and Dad stayed overnight at our house and got up with us. Stephanie (Ryan's girlfriend) got to our house a little before 5 and we were downtown Akron by 5:30. The race started at 7:00, but many streets were closed by 6:00 and some the night before, so we knew we had to get there early. We parked in a lot by Akron U and walked to the starting area. Here is a pic of the early morning crew in the parking lot.

Papa Ron, Grandma Tommie, Ryan, Stephanie, and Mark. My Mom and Dad had on their Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation sweatshirts!!

We got to the start area and there were tons of people and loud music blasting. Most people looked really sleepy. We saw Stephanie's Dad there. He was running a leg in the 5 man relay team. I hope he had fun! It was only about 50 degrees and still dark. They did have large lights set up. There were three corrals for the runners labeled A,B, and C. A was for the fastest runners, B for medium runners (Ryan was in this one), and C for slower runners. When you signed up for the race, you put what time you thought you would finish the race and that determined what corral you were in. They started 5 minutes apart so their wasn't a huge stampede and so there was space for everyone. I was so impressed with how organized it was and I read in the paper that there was not one problem with security. Ryan's team all wore the same shirts that were given to them by Lisa and David Craine. I made Ryan a headband that said Remembering Wo 3/6/86 - 6/9/13. They got to pick the number they wanted and Ryan picked 5 for the number of people in our immediate family.

We were pleasantly surprised to see Gio along with his brother Bruno and Bruno's fiancee, Jacqui near the starting area. Jacqui was in charge of the trash and recycling around the race area and Bruno and Gio were helping her. I think I hugged Gio for 10 minutes. I have missed him so much as did the rest of the family. He looked really good, but I could tell seeing us brought back a flood of memories as he had tears in his eyes. I had a pang of sadness as I saw him standing there by himself because Lauren was always by his side and still should be. I know it is still too hard for him to be around us, but it sure was nice to see him. Mark and I love that kid as if he were our own and wish nothing but the best for him. We all stood together and cheered the runners on as they started the race. It was so exciting. There were 15,000 runners all together for the marathon, half marathon, and 5 man relay teams. Kristen wished she could have been there, but she had to work the weekend. I'm sure she would have ran on the team as well.

Our sweet Giovanni. Love him so much.

Before the race. So proud of my Bub.

We walked over to the next street after the race started and saw Ryan there at about the 4 mile mark. He looked great, but didn't see us because he was focusing straight ahead and had his earbuds in with music blasting. We headed down to Main Street and went in to a restaurant that had breakfast. They only had a buffet, which we got. Let's just say it was the absolute worst food ever and we will remember not to go there next year. We were able to see runners as they ran by and into the Canal Park Stadium for the finish. We were amazed that runners for the half marathon were already coming in. The first runner came in at around 1 hour 9 minutes. To run 13.1 miles!! Are you kidding me. Ryan ran by and saw us!! He finished in 1 hour 56 minutes. He had guessed he would run it in around 2 hours, so he did great!!! We tried to get into the stadium, but it was blocked off to cross the street so we had to walk all the way around the whole stadium to get to the other side. Security was so tight that you were not allowed anywhere near the runners' area so we sat in the stands and hoped Ryan would find us since he didn't have his phone with him. We took turns going to look for him. Lisa was texting me to come for a team picture and bring Ryan. Everyone was looking for him.

The finish line.

The runners were all across the field. Hmmmmm. Where's Waldo, I mean Ryan????

It had been like two hours since Ryan finished the race and I had that worried mom feeling in my stomach. I asked Mark if he wanted to go outside the stadium and look for him. I swear we took two steps outside the place and Ryan was standing right there with his silver mylar blanket around him. He had been standing there waiting for us that whole time. I felt so bad for him because his clothes were wet from sweat and he was freezing. We took him back inside and he put his pants and sweatshirt on. We were all so happy to see him and so proud of what he had done for Wo and others with this cancer. He raised $1713.00 for the team and the team as a whole raised over $10,000.00!!! Way to go, Craine's Crew!!

Yay!!! We found him!!!!

We sat for for a while and decided to leave. We had a long walk back to the car and headed for home. My Mom and Dad stayed until late afternoon. Ryan and Stephanie both had to work and the rest of us went to the cemetery to see Wo. My Mom and Dad left to go visit my sister and her family in Delaware, Ohio and watch the OSU game. It was a great weekend, especially for sports fans in our area. OSU, Cleveland Indians, and the Browns all won! What a miracle. In keeping with the sports theme I will leave you with a pic of Wo in her Indians shirt. Thank you for all of your support. I will catch you all later.

Love,
-Pam

Oh, how we miss seeing that smiling face.

Marathons, Friends, And Coconut Cream Pie!

Hi Everyone,

I guess it is about time for another post. Thanks so much for continuing to read my blog! I am getting excited for this weekend. It is the Akron Marathon and as I have said before, Ryan is running the half marathon on Lisa Craine's team. She has the same cancer as Lauren had. She has been battling for three years, has had many surgeries, chemos, and radiation. Her cancer has come back five times, yet she is so hopeful and positive and never loses faith. We are raising money for the Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation and all the money will go to cancer research. It is such a rare cancer that it doesn't get much publicity or funding like the more common cancers. If you would like to know more or to donate, please go to this website. www.crainescancercure.org  Thanks so much to all of you that have been so gracious to sponsor Ryan and hopefully to those who will. I know Wo will be so proud of her brother and will be running right along with him in spirit. Thanks for listening and that's the last time I will ask for donations for this event...until next year! Speaking of Lisa, we had a nice lunch last week at the Hartville Kitchen. We laughed, talked about Lauren, and ate coconut cream pie!

Lisa and I at lunch. Not the best pic because I took it with my phone.

Mark and I didn't do that much over the weekend. I watched a lot of football. Ohio State and the Browns won so I was very happy.

I had a fun time going to breakfast with all my friends from when I worked at Giant Eagle for 11 years. There are a handful of us that have remained close and do a lot together. This week they were there plus some others that I don't see very often. They are all so loyal and I think of them more as family than just friends.




My Giant Eagle friends at breakfast.

My Mom and Dad are coming to stay with us this weekend and go to the race with us. We are probably going to have to leave the house at 5:00 am. Wow, I am not a morning person. I promise I will take pics this weekend and let you know all about it.

I have been feeling better these past few weeks. I'm just hoping the bottom doesn't fall out again. Maybe I am getting better!! I know Mark has been having a really hard time lately. He is having a hard time believing Wo is really gone. They dug the hole and poured the footer for Lauren's stone at the cemetery this week. That means that her stone may be done soon. We can't wait to see it. I will leave you with another pic of our sweet Wo. Take care and God bless.

Love,
-Pam

 

Sassy Wo!!

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me!

Hi Everyone,

Well, last week started out as a normal week, not much going on. I got a call on Wed. evening that my Dad was in the hospital again. What is going on with all my family being in the hospital!! He had gone for his cardiac rehab and the therapist didn't like how he looked, so he decided to wheel my Dad over to emergency. He had an x-ray and a scan and they found blood clots in his lungs. He was admitted to the hospital and was given blood thinners. I didn't tell him or my Mom, but I drove up and surprised them. I know, I'm sneaky. He was released on Thursday afternoon, but has to go back every few days to have his blood checked to make sure it is not too thin. I stayed and visited with them for a few days and went home Sat. afternoon. I get such comfort being with my Mom and Dad. I love you guys!!

Ryan went up to Kristen and Bruce's on Friday and spent a few days with them. He had so much fun. They went out to eat Friday night. He and Sis went kayaking on the Huron River Sat. morning. They had a double kayak and neither of them had ever been in one before. They tipped over once and Sis lost her shoe, but found it later. Here are a few pics of our sporty kids.

That evening, the two sportsters, along with Kristen's friend, Becca, ran in a 5k called the Neon Vibe. The proceeds benefited the Children's Miracle Network. They had a ball getting all dirty and running in the dark. Here are some pics of that.

 

 

Bruce didn't get to go to the race because he was working that night, but the next morning Sis, Bruce, and Ryan went out to breakfast. Ryan left for home Sun. afternoon.

Ryan will be running a half marathon in a few weeks at the Akron Marathon. He is running for Craine's Cholangiocarcinoma Crew in memory of Lauren. I am so proud of this kid for wanting to help find a cure for this cancer. Go to www.crainescancercure.org if you would like to donate.

Not much else going on. Mark and I might drive down to Amish country tomorrow since it is his day off. Other than that, who knows. Mark is feeling fine after his scare with his heart. I will leave you with a pic of our sweet Wo. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam

Wo getting chemo and Ryan keeping her company. Poor kid had lost most of her hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes. This is a rare shot of Wo with no makeup, the way I liked her best.

A Little Scare

Hi Everyone,

Well, another week has come and gone. Lat week seems like such a blur to me and for good reason. There was not much going on the whole week and then Friday morning...POW!!

I woke up early in the morning and noticed a bunch of lights were on in the house. Mark usually gets ready for work and tries not to wake me. He was coming up the steps and looked really weird. He looked at me and looked so pale and grey. He said he didn't feel well. he was dripping sweat and just looked awful. I began to panic thinking he was having a heart attack. He asked me to take him to the hospital, so I ran and brushed my teeth and threw some clothes on. I really thought I should call an ambulance, but he insisted I drive him. I took him to Mercy in Canton and if he wasn't having a heart attack I think he was going to after the way I drove there!! They were great at getting him right in the ER and did an EKG immediately. His heart rate was over 140 and his BP was really low for him. His EKG showed an irregular heartbeat. He was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation aka a-fib. This is a heart arrythmia where the upper chambers pump all crazy while the lower chambers pump normally. The blood doesn't get all the way pumped out of the heart and could lead to a clot. They gave him some meds to try and regulate his heartbeat and then started a drip of heparin to keep clots from forming. He was not happy when they said he would need to be admitted. They did an echo cardiogram and found that his heart is great. No blockages and it is healthy. We saw the cardiologist on Sat. and he said he doesn't know why this happened. Some people get it and have to be on meds to control it. Others only have it once in awhile and some never get it again. He wants to see Mark and if it happens again, he will decide what to do. But he didn't want to put him on meds every day just yet if ever. Since Mark doesn't drink or smoke, which could be two contributors, we narrowed it down to sleep apnea. Mark does snore and did do part of a sleep study last year and just didn't go back for the second part because he hated the masks on the C-Pap. So he will now have to try again and see if that helps. I am just so grateful that he didn't have a heart attack. He was released on Sat. afternoon and we couldn't get out of there quick enough. He really hated being in the hospital.

One good thing that came out of this was that Kristen came home. She was very supportive and helpful through all of this and agreed with everything that was done for Mark. We sure love our Sissy. Bruce was on call so he was not able to come. Ryan and Stephanie came to the hospital Fri. night and we all went to Rockne's for dinner. It was nice to be together but we missed Mark, Bruce, and especially Wo. Kristen went home Sat. afternoon and Mark and I went to El Rincon for dinner. He was tired the rest of the weekend because he got no sleep in the hospital. He went back to work yesterday and is doing fine.

I told you last time that I had joined some grief groups online. The one I joined had so many members that it was way too overwhelming and I just don't think I could've read one more post about someone's child overdosing or committing suicide. So I left that group. I found another one that is smaller and the people are very nice, but I still don't know if this is the way to go. Hearing about everyone else's terrible experiences does not make me feel better, only makes me feel sad for myself and them. I talked with a dear lady I know that has a background in psychology and I asked her if she thought I would benefit from therapy. She said yes and that it would help to talk with someone and let everything out. I am the only one that can decide when the time is right. I also want to get a part time job eventually too. I am looking here and there, but am being very picky. I don't want to get into anything super stressful or I will just crumble. One day at a time!

Yesterday was the three month date of Lauren's passing. We all did ok. I thought I would be crying all day, but I didn't. I usually only get sad when it is least expected and I don't know what triggers it. I did cry when I was talking to my friend on the phone, but that was about it. We all miss Wo so much and I think we always will. We just have to learn how to deal with it. Sorry I don't have many pictures this week. I am going to look through my files to find a good one. That is about it for now. Take care and God bless.

Love,
-Pam

Lauren with two of her best friends, Melissa and Cindy. It is Melissa's birthday today and I'm sure Wo would love to be celebrating with her and all her friends. I hope all Wo's friends remember her with smiles on their faces.

Labor Day

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all having a great Labor Day. Sorry to say, but this past week has been the hardest for me yet. Darnit, I thought I was supposed to get better, not worse. I am feeling good today so I will forget the past week and forge ahead. I know, I know...One day at a time. This is just exhausting and I can't wait for the day when I can think about Wo with a smile on my face!

Mark was off Sunday and is off today and tomorrow as well. He is so excited to have that many days off in a row. Poor guy hasn't had a vacation since 2011 when we went to Myrtle Beach. The last two years, his vacation was taken as days off when we went to Michigan with Lauren. It is raining right now, but we are hoping to go swimming once the sun comes back out. I made a big breakfast this morning and tried a new recipe called Baked Praline French Toast. It was about 9 million calories worth of goodness.

In honor of Labor Day, Mark and I decided to do a little labor of our own. There is a big monument back by Lauren's grave that always looked terrible. It is dedicated to someone that must have donated money to keep the cemetery looking nice. Hmmmm on that one. The weeds were so grown up and the bushes were all raggy looking. This bothers me every day when we go to visit Wo because we drive in that way and have to look at it, so we decided to take matters into our own hands. Mark loaded up the Explorer with tools, a blower, and tarps and we went to tackle this mess. I want Wo's body to be in a nice place, and it is except for that eyesore. It was crabgrass city and we ripped it all out and trimmed the bushes. Mark was laughing and saying the cemetery workers are probably scheduled to clean it up tomorrow and will have a party when they see it was already done. I don't know whose responsibility it is to keep it nice, but I guess we have kind of adopted it. Here are some before and after pics.

The disaster we looked at every day when going to see Wo.



Mark hard at work and you can see Lauren's grave in the upper left corner. The tiny red dot is flowers at her grave.



Much better.

I feel like we did our good deed for the day!! Feels great.

Mark and I sitting in the comfort of our air conditioned SUV after some hard work.

I have joined a support group online for parents who have lost children. I'm not sure yet if it is right for me or not. It has over 5,000 members and everyone's stories are so heart wrenching. While the members are so friendly and welcoming, I don't know if this will make me sadder hearing about everyone else. I still belong to my Cholangiocarcinoma website, but don't know if I fit in there either. Most people on there are fighting for their lives and I'm not sure if they want to hear from a Mom that had a child die due to this cancer. Not too uplifting for them. I'm still searching for my purpose and what I am supposed to do. I know I will figure out what that is when it hits me on the head!!

Well, as usual I will leave you with a memory of Lauren.

 

Poor little punkin was even beautiful without her hair. She endured such hardship, but always had a smile.

Have a nice holiday everyone and remember to tell those close to you that you love them every day!!
Until next time...

Love,
-Pam