Baby On The Brain

Hi Everyone,

I know it has been a long time, but I am trying to distance myself from thinking about cholangiocarcinoma and remember more happy times with Wo. It works sometimes, but the flashbacks still happen and make Mark and I both so upset. We still visit the cemetery daily and talk to Wo all the time. We still miss her as much as ever, but try to be happy. Mark even went to the cemetery yesterday and read the Sunday paper and drank coffee. It is the saddest place for us to be, yet the place we feel the closest to her if that makes sense.

On a happier note, it is getting closer and closer to the time we get to meet our granddaughter. We are all so excited and I seriously have the worst case of baby on the brain. I couldn't be more excited and I am always checking up on Sis to see if she is ok. She is having a great pregnancy and feels awesome. I am so thankful for that. She had a lovely shower from people at her work and also a shower with family and friends. We are all so grateful for all the love shown for this baby girl. Only about six more weeks to go!!!

Other than that, we are all doing ok. We try to take each day as it comes and look forward to happy times. I hope you are all happy and healthy as we go into this holiday season. Family is the most precious gift.

I will leave you with a few photos from the shower and one of Wo. Bless you all.

Love,
-Pam



Kristen and Mark



Love this little momma-to-be!!!

I wish Wo was here to meet her baby niece, but I know she will be her special guardian angel.

Just Call Me Grandma

Hi Everyone,

It is still fairly quiet around here. Mark and I are working a lot. We are enjoying the summer weather. We have gone on a few bike rides, but mainly I enjoy sleeping!! We have our good days, but out of the blue a bad day smacks us in the face. I think this will be the norm for us for the rest of our lives. Mark had to have routine labs drawn the other day and while he was there, a code was called to come and resuscitate someone. All the emotions from when Wo was in the hospital came flooding back and he said he felt like he was having a panic attack. This kind of thing happens now and then and it hurts. Every day as I am going to the cemetery after work to say hi to Wo, I often think that it is not right that I have to visit my beautiful daughter in a cemetery. I should be going to her house and having dinner. Not talking to a stone with her name and picture on it.

On a lighter, happier note, Kristen and Bruce are going to be parents!! I am going to be a Grandma!!!We couldn't be happier to welcome a new baby to our family. Did I mention the baby is a precious girl!!! So very excited. I know this baby won't take away the pain of losing Wo, but she will add a new dimension of love that will fill our hearts.

I am excited for this weekend because the whole family is getting together on Sunday at my Mom and Dad's house. Our sweet, little great-niece will be there for the first time. We always have fun when we are all together.

We had to have our 13 year old dog, Frank, put to sleep last week. I hope he is keeping Wo company in heaven. We will miss his sweet face.



Frank in his younger days.

That is about it for now. I will probably only check in once a month or so from now on because I really don't have much to say that hasn't already been said. We are all just trying to live our lives and heal our hearts. Thanks so much for still caring.

Love,
-Pam

 

 The Pink family back in the day before Ryan. Kind of blurry and cut off. Sis and Wo are so precious.

Life Goes On

Hi Everyone,
 I have not posted in forever, but I see people are still checking out my blog, so I feel an obligation to keep posting. Our lives are anything but interesting. But, as promised, as long as you are reading, I will keep writing.

 We had a quiet 4th of July at home. We swam in the pool and got Old Carolina for dinner. Mark and I did not go to fireworks as it is still too painful for us. Wo loved fireworks and she went every year with us since she was a tiny kid. Seeing families all together is still too difficult for us. Ryan and Stephanie did go downtown Canton to see some. Sis and Bruce went somewhere in Michigan to see fireworks and hear a symphony orchestra. We are happy that our kids are having fun. One day we hope to be able to to enjoy the 4th again!! Mark and I did go to the cemetery on the 3rd and lit sparklers for Wo. Mark said they were the kind she loved the most. Always thinking about our sweet girl.

I so wish our lives were how they used to be. So much laughter and fun before Lauren was sick. She was definitely the life of the party. I was just remembering when I was in the pool the other day that Wo was such a stinker. Always trying to tip me over in my float, splash me and get my hair wet, or create a huge tidal wave in the pool by pushing a float up and down, making lots of water splash everywhere. Her being gone has left such a huge hole in our lives.

We are doing better, but holidays are just too hard to deal with sometimes. I'm sure as years pass, it will get better for us. I hope you all are doing well and have loving families in your lives. That is the greatest gift of all. Until next time...

Love,
-Pam




She was so beautiful!!

Father's Day

Hi Everyone,

Time for an update, I guess. There has not been much happening around here. Mark and I have been working a lot and are so tired most of the time. We have a fun weekend coming up so we are looking forward to that.

Father's Day came and went. Poor Mark was home by himself most of the day. Ryan and I both had to work and Sis and Bruce were in Seattle for Bruce's sister's wedding. Mark seemed to be ok that day. We went to the cemetery that evening and saw Wo for a bit. I promised him that I would make him a good dinner so I will do that today. I might even make him brownies since he loves chocolate. I remember seeing a little poem about Dads that I wanted to share with you. It is so true. I know Mark hurts so much sometimes, but I feel he spends most of his time comforting me.

I also made a video for Mark featuring the song, 'Who Made The Moon" by the Little River Band. It is such a beautiful song and so appropriate. I hope you like it. It is a tear jerker.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope everyone had a special day with their Dads whether they are here on earth or in heaven. I will get to see my dad this weekend. We are going to Michigan for Bruce's graduation from residency. I will have pictures next time!! Here is a picture I just love of Wo. She is at my mom and dad's house

in Oak Harbor. This is the view they have of the river.

 

 

Thanks to my friends for making me laugh at breakfast on Monday. You are all so much fun and I love each and every one of you!! It was great to have some new people there with us too!! Please say a prayer for my friend Dawn's great grandson, Billy as he just had a stem cell transplant and is fighting Neuroblastoma. Until next time,

 

Love,

-Pam

One Year

It is 12:00 midnight as I start this post. I can't sleep as so many things are running through my head. I feel bad that I just called off work for tomorrow. I really don't have it in me to go there and act like everything is great and be so cheerful. I did have the good sense to request Monday off, as it is the one year anniversary of Lauren's death. Mark said tonight that he thinks I am way better than I was six months ago. True, I don't sit and cry for hours each day, but I still feel as though I have a broken heart and miss Wo more each day. I will never get over the fact that she is gone. I still hope she will walk through the front door every day and think about her hundreds of times each day. I never ever thought this nightmare would happen to us.

I find it harder each day to have hope about this horrible cancer called Cholangiocarcinoma. It seems as though someone that I know or know of dies every week or so. This cancer is one of the absolute worst cancers there are. The suffering these poor people have to endure is gut wrenching. I do have a few friends that are doing well and I am grateful for that. I find it all too much to deal with at times so I have pulled away from the website where I am a moderator. I had so much hope that Lauren would pull through and live a long, happy life. My hope faded when that wish became impossible.

I'm not sure what Mark and I will do on Monday. I'm sure we will talk a lot about Wo. But, we do that every day. Not just about Wo, but Sis and Ryan too. We had a bonfire tonight and roasted hot dogs. Our kids loved having bonfires when they were younger. Wo always had to have tarps layed on the ground and sleeping bags, pillows, and blankets put on top of them. We would lay out there and talk and eat. We would lay on our backs and look for shooting stars. Usually, we would all fall asleep snuggled under the blankets until Mark woke us up. Now it is just Mark and I. It seems so quiet without all the kids giggling. I sure miss having them all around. Ryan still lives here, but he is always out and about.

As always, thank you for caring enough to even read my blog. I know this will be a tough week, but we will manage. I will leave you with a few pics of our sweet girl. Say a few prayers that she is happy in heaven and that she knows how much we love and miss her.

Love,
-Pam

The whole family.

Wo and Papa Ron.

Wo, Sis, Ryan, and Grandma Tommie in Sis's dorm room at UT.

Family Minus One

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted in a bit, but I don't feel much has happened that is interesting. We had a nice visit from Sis and Bruce last weekend which was fun. They got here Friday evening and left Sunday evening. They hadn't been here for a long time, but we had seen them at my mom and dad's house since then. They brought me a beautiful hanging basket for Mother's Day and tickets to see Oprah in Michigan in September for my birthday present!! I was so excited. I love Oprah and it is a 2 day event, so Sis and I will have a great time.

We went to dinner Saturday night at Desert Inn. They serve Syrian food and it is delicious. Ryan and Stephanie also joined us, so the whole family was together. I sure wish Wo could have been there as well. We went back to our house and had german chocolate cake and strawberry pie!!

Ok, as if we hadn't eaten enough, we went to breakfast Sunday morning at Farmer Boy. My friend, Chyrel is the manager there and Kristen worked there when she was in high school. It was nice to see Chyrel and have some great food!

Mark and I are hanging in there taking things day by day. Some days are better than others. We really never know how we will feel. I'm just glad I have him to lean on when I am sad. I went to the doctor today and told him that I still am having some hard times and just want to feel happy. He suggested I increase the medication I am taking to see if that helps. He is so wonderful and caring and really listens to me.

As promised, here are some pics of Lauren's memorial garden:



Here is the spot for the garden. Mark removed a tree that had died here.

Figuring out the heart shape with a rope.

Mark digging the heart.

The tree is a weeping cherry tree. Weeping signifying that we are sad and Wo loved anything cherry flavored and anything with a cherry printed on it, appliqued on it or shaped like a cherry!! She even had cherry earrings!

Mark layed all the bricks and I planted the flowers. We both did the mulch. The angel was from my mom and dad.

 

The view we have when we sit on our glider. We have also added the lantern that the cemetery made us remove, so when we look out our bedroom window at night we can see the candle glowing.

It is almost the one year anniversary of Wo's death. I cannot believe it has been that long. I miss her so much and talk to her every day. I believe she sends me signs through the time. I can be doing something and out of nowhere look at the clock and it is almost always a time like 1:11, 2:22, etc. This happens every single day. When it does, I always smile and tell Wo that I love her. Mark and I still go to her grave every day and it never gets easier. Some days I cry and some days I don't. I touch her face on her stone and pretend to smooth her hair. I tell her I love her and miss her. When I pull away, I always wave goodbye to her. I am so glad we live so close to the cemetery. We will never move away from her.

I will leave you with a sweet picture of Wo. As a little girl, she always had a big smile on her face. I pray she is happy in heaven. Thank you for your continued support. Sometimes we feel so lonely, but your comments really help us. Love to all,

-Pam

Our sweet smiling little punkin.

Keeping Busy On Mother's Day

Hi Everyone,

I hope all you moms had a great day yesterday. It was kind of hard for me, but not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Probably because Mark and I stayed busy all day and I didn't give my mind time to wander. I was thinking about two special girls yesterday a lot. Kristen has a friend that lost her baby girl at 30 weeks and only got to see her when she delivered her. My Mom has a friend whose granddaughter lost her son at four months old from SIDS. These mothers were just as much mothers as we all are, but never got the chance to fill their heads and hearts with a lifetime of memories. I am lucky to have that.


Matching shirts at Christmas, Wo with the haircut that Sis lovingly referred to as "Mush" (short for Mushroom head). Love the glasses Sis. Haha!

Mark and I went to breakfast yesterday and then hit Home Depot for a few more flowers, potting soil, and mulch. We went to the cemetery and Mark dug up the soil in front of Wo's grave. I planted five hot pink geraniums and we put down mulch. It looks really nice. We got a letter in the mail that said we can't have the lantern at the cemetery with the candle in it. We were kind of upset, but we have a new home for it. I don't mean to be mean, but I think they should worry more about mowing and less about a lantern. The cemetery was a mess this weekend. Long grass and dandelions everywhere. I would have been so embarrassed to have anyone see it. Mark to the rescue. He went up Saturday morning and took our push mower. He mowed all around Wo's grave so at least her area was nice. It is just so disrespectful to Wo and everyone else that is buried there to let it get that way. I sure hope they mow soon. I feel bad for all the other families. It is so weird the things that offend you after you lose someone. Remember that area that was overgrown and weedy last year that Mark and I cleaned up. It is getting bad again too. Grrrrrr!!! Here are some pics of us making Wo's grave beautiful.

Mark always working so hard.

And working some more.

I think it looks really pretty. Hopefully, the grass will fill in where we wore it out this winter.



We also got most of Wo's memorial garden done at home. It is beautiful. Mark layed all the stones yesterday. We planted flowers, mulched, and put the angel in it. It still needs a few things, but we ran out of steam. Mark worked like a dog all day just to make me happy on Mother's Day. He did such a great job and I am so grateful. I will post pics next time because this blog is getting way too long.

I wanted to mention that my sister, Linda, was named Employee of the Year at Ohio Wesleyan University. We are all so proud of her. To know her is to love her.

Thank you for continuing to read my blog. We are trying our best every day to keep Lauren's memory alive. Until next time,

Love,
-Pam

I am sure Wo is happy with Cleveland's draft picks. She loved going to Browns games and tailgating.

 

Memories of Wo

Hi Everyone! These next couple months are going to be kind of tough on all of us. We are remembering everything that happened last year and it is very dificult. It doesn't help that Mother's Day is coming up and I don't have one of my daughters. The commercials on tv really get to me. Wo always got me a very thoughtful gift and wrote a beautiful card for me every year. I will miss that from her.

Yesterday was my nephew and his wife's one year anniversary. Their wedding was the last time our entire family was together. I remember Lauren looked so pretty at the wedding and nobody would have ever even known she was sick except she walked with a cane. (A fancy zebra one at that!!) We all had so much fun laughing and dancing. I remember it all got to be a little too much for her and she was sitting alone at her table while we were all whooping it up. She had already had her first surgery and was awaiting the second one two weeks from then. My heart broke for her because I knew she wanted to be normal like everyone else. I went over to comfort her but she would have none of that. She got very stubborn and sometimes cranky during the last few months. I think she was just angry that she was dealt such a crappy hand at life and I don't blame her one bit. She did go on to have a great night at the hotel with a bunch of the people from the wedding, Sis and Bruce, and my sister's family.

I found a little book Lauren made for a school project when she was 11. She had to write a story for each year she had been alive. I would like to share a few with you because they really made me laugh. I typed them exactly as she had typed them.

1986-Birth

Hello my name is Lauren Patrice Kunklier.On a snowy Thursday night my mom was laying on the couch watching "St. Elsewhere." My mom started feeling weird so she called my grandma named Tommie to watch Kristen, my sister. My dad took her to the hospital and my mom was in labor all night. The doctor slid into a ditch on the way to the hospital. I was born at 9:40am at Wadsworth-Rittman Hospital and I weighed 8lbs. 9oz. and was 20 inches long. My mom said I was the easiest birth of all three of her kids. I was born on my Daddy's birthday. He was born on March 6, 1959 and I was born March 6, 1986. My dad said it was the best birthday present he had ever received-Lauren Patrice Kunklier

The picture of Lauren and I in her book.

1994- 8 years old

When I was 8 years old we decided we wanted to get another dog since our dog, Gretchen, died. We went to the Animal Shelter and there was a litter of nine puppies. They were found under an old truck right after they were born. They were cute but kind of goofy and lanky. There were two sad looking ones that were in separate cages because their sisters were picking on them. We decided to take one of those. My dad named him Buster. The people at the shelter said he would be very big because he had huge paws. We didn't think he would get that big. Well, he gained like 10 pounds a month and today he weighs around 100 pounds. He is a very sweet and gentle dog, and he loves to play catch. You don't want to pet him right before you leave to go anywhere because your hand will stink really bad. He is a little smelly but I love him very much.

Wo and Buster

I hope you enjoyed Wo's stories. I miss her so much sometimes I can't stand it!! She was one of the three lights of my life and I will never forget her. At least I have many precious memories. Thanks again for following my posts!! Until next time,

Love,
-Pam

Pretty girl celebrating her birthday a few years ago. Fitting since today is Cinco de Mayo!!

Just A Little Message To The .1%

Hi Everyone,

For the 99.9% of you that read my blog, please disregard this message. You are all so wonderful and supportive and help me so much. I am forever grateful. For the .1% of you that read this blog just to be nosy and look for things to talk about and cause drama, please MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. My blog is MY blog to say WHATEVER I want. This is my way of expressing feelings about Lauren and to get rid of things that are bothering me. Nothing more. Don't read my blog unless you are coming from a place of love and caring for Lauren. Don't read things into what I am saying.You can't begin to imagine the pain we have all been through unless you have experienced it yourself. It is a daily struggle and we are all trying to cope. We all do this in different ways. My way is in writing. Enough said. So that this post can end on a good note, I will post a pic of the reason I write this blog. Plain and simple for our precious girl that we miss more each day.

Love,
-Pam

Daggers In My Heart

Hi Everyone! It is a crummy, rainy day today and that matches my foul mood. I am still doing better than before, but some days are still very difficult. I guess you could say that frequently I feel daggers in my heart.

Nothing will help except if Lauren could come back. And I know that is not going to happen, so maybe time will help.

I have noticed that I am crying more often again and things are bothering me. I put on my happy face at work, but sometimes I am so on the verge of busting out crying. The other day I saw a lady that used to live in our neighborhood and she hadn't heard that Lauren had passed. I told her and said that I am doing much better now. Her response was, "I would never feel better if one of my children died." I'm sure I am being overly sensitive, but to me that meant that she felt she loved her children more. Umm, sorry lady. That's not possible.

I see so many moms  my age with daughters my girls' ages with babies and small children. That causes me the greatest pain because I know that is impossible with Wo. I'm hopeful with Sis, but they will probably never live near us. I am so grateful to still have two wonderful children, but I feel so bad sometimes that my grief for Wo overshadows them.

On a lighter note, we have been working on Wo's memorial garden. We have it dug in the shape of a heart. We still have to get the brick for around it and pick out flowers. We bought and Mark planted a weeping cherry tree. It is fairly small, but it is perfect. I will post pics of the progress when it is done.

Maybe I shouldn't have written this today because I am in a bit of a funk. I just want to share my feelings and I guess you get the good with the bad. I feel that I am making progress, but losing a child is the greatest pain I could ever imagine.

Take care, everyone and thanks for all of your support.
Love,
-Pam

So beautiful!!

Baby Showers and Memories

Hi Everyone! Where does the time go? I have been really busy working a lot. Seems many people do not like working there and have quit!! So we are very short handed and very busy. Still not liking it, but it is a job and it does help pay the bills.

I am still doing much better. A few times last week I got a little teary, but nothing like before. With the changing of seasons, it makes me realize how long Wo has been gone. I miss her so much and I still talk to her every day and tell her that I love her about 100 times a day!

I was looking for something the other day and came across some old Mother's Day cards. I always save stuff like that and I am so glad I did. The things all three of my kids have written to me are priceless. But having things like this from Wo are so special to remember her by. I always wondered why I saved their artwork, old cards, baby teeth, and locks of hair. Now I have my answer.

I must be getting better because this month was the second month in a row that I have totally forgotten that the 9th was the anniversary date of when Wo passed. I feel bad the next day when I realize it, but I also feel good knowing that I am no longer dwelling on that day, but just remembering the good times. It has already been 10 months that she has been gone!

We put new lights up at Wo's gravesite. They are really bright and one lights up her face on her stone. We can see them from the entrance of the cemetery when it is dark and it makes us happy. Mark and I were there yesterday and a young girl was walking through the cemetery as we were leaving. She walked right back to Lauren's grave!! I was so happy to know that people still think about her. Thank you, whoever you are!!

I had a fun day last Sunday. Stephanie and I drove down to Columbus for my niece, Katie's baby shower. She is married to my nephew, Matt. He is my sister, Linda's son. Kristen and my mom were also there as well as Linda. There was a big crowd and Katie and Matt got tons of presents for their baby to be. We are so excited to welcome this baby. The last baby born into our family was Ryan almost 23 years ago! I didn't get a clear photo of Matt and Katie, but here are a few of the rest of us.

Selfie time with the grandma-to-be, my sister, Linda.

Sis and Stephanie both looking so cute!

Another one of Linda and me. Love her so much!! Notice I am trying to be more adventurous with my earrings.

 

Two of the great grandmas. My mom is on the left and Linda's mother-in-law is on the right. Two of the sweetest ladies in the world!!

Please keep two special people in your prayers. Our good friend, Lisa, had hernia surgery this past week. She has the same cancer as Wo had. Little Billy, my good friend, Dawn's great grandson just had surgery last week as well. He is only 3 and has a cancer called neuroblastoma.

As usual, I will leave you with a pic of our sweet Wo. Thanks for continuing to care. Your support sure does help! Much love to each and every one of you.

-Pam

My beautiful kids.



Hope

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit, but I have been working a lot and I am just too tired. I had a day off today and thoughts in my head, so here goes. Thanks for continuing to be interested in what I have to say!!

I am still feeling much better! My heart doesn't ache all the time and I haven't cried for a long time either. I feel so much stronger, which is something I never thought would happen. What a blessing to feel alive again! I know Wo would be so happy to know I am feeling better. I still miss her like crazy and have irrational thoughts at times, but I am on the mend!! Right when I go to bed is the worst time. I close my eyes and see Lauren in the hospital or in her casket every time. I try to get the vision out of my head, but sometimes it won't budge. I still talk to her all the time and tell her I love her and miss her. Mark and I still visit her gravesite every day. The candles I ordered came the very next day and are wonderful. They burn for 5 or 6 days and we are so happy with them. I have noticed that Mark and I both kiss our hand and rub Lauren's pic on her stone as if we are touching her hair. We then kiss our hand and touch the little angel sitting by her stone. We both do this every single time. I can't wait until the weather gets warmer and we can plant flowers at her grave and we can build her memorial garden at home. My mom and dad gave me the most beautiful angel that will be perfect in Wo's garden. I was thinking about a small flowering tree as well. Any suggestions for a smallish flowering tree?

The angel statue my mom and dad got me. I love it!! I think it looks like Wo when she was a little girl.

I was talking to Mark the other day. We talk about Wo all the time and Mark said something about having hope. He said hope is what makes him get up every day and go to work. I started thinking about all the things I have hope for. I guess the easiest way is to list them.

I hope Kristen and Ryan know that I love them more than anything. They have been put on the back burner for a few years, but I love them both so much and hope both of their futures are so bright! Of course, I wish the same for Bruce and Stephanie as well.

I hope Mark will find happiness and joy again. He is always so supportive and loving to me and our family.

I hope my mom and dad will live forever and remain healthy!

I hope my sister and her family will all remain happy and healthy. I can't wait for the newest addition!!!!

I hope my little doggies that bring me so much joy remain healthy.

I hope my great friend, Dawn's, great grandson makes a full recovery from cancer.

I hope all my friends with cholangiocarcinoma live long and happy lives. Clean scans and normal labs, baby!!!!!!

I hope Gio finds happiness and comes to see us one day.

I hope Wo is happy in heaven and is not cold, lonely, or scared. She was so cold in her casket and that really bothered me. I hope she is so happy that she doesn't miss us. I know she is around us all the time, but I hope she knows we feel her with us. I hope she is not scared being without us.

I hope one day I can have a reading with the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo, so that I can have peace of mind that Wo is ok. I love her!!

I hope one day to be a grandma and to be called Nonni, which is Grandma in Italian. This is what Wo was going to have her kids call me.

I hope one day I find a job that will make me feel happy, appreciated, and valuable.

I hope anyone else that has lost someone they love finds peace and happiness again. Life is precious.

Thanks for continuing to care about what I have to say. As long as you keep reading, I will keep writing. Love to all of you,

-Pam

Wo with Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron. She loved them so much. Papa Ron just celebrated his 82nd birthday this past Tuesday!!!!!

Wo And Her Crazy Earring Collection

Hi Everyone,

Not really much going on right now. I have been working a lot and Mark always works a lot. The weather has been crazy here as usual. One day almost 70 and the next day a snowstorm. We can't wait until spring. Mostly so we can plant flowers at Lauren's grave and I also want to make a memorial garden in our yard. I have a vision of a heart shaped garden framed with rocks, flowers, and an angel statue. Ryan said he would help us make it! I just ordered 10 grave candles. I bought a lantern a few months ago and we put it at Lauren's grave so it would always be lit and we have gone through every candle we had in our house!! I tried making my own candles with Crisco and it didn't work very well. Hopefully, these will arrive soon.

I'm not sure what happened to me, but I feel like a new person. I have willed myself to get better and so far I'm doing ok. No more daily sobbing and feeling so sad. I have been warned by others that this might only be temporary, but I am going to try my best to be happy and remember the good times with Wo. I still have a hard time at night when I first try to go to sleep. I usually get visions in my head of Wo in the hospital and the most unimagineable things she had to endure. I hope one day I won't have those pictures in my head.

I have tried to become a little more adventurous and wear some of Wo's crazy earrings. Most of them are just over the top and I look like a crazy lady in them, but I have worn a few of the tamer pairs. You don't believe they are that wild? Let me go get a few pairs and show you what I mean. Ok, I'm back. I put on some makeup and one of Wo's crazy lipsticks. Here we go:

The sophisticate. Hello daaahhhhling!

 

The dinner plates.

The party girl pink fringe.

 

The biggest hoops in the world!!

 



And last but not least, the bunch of grapes!!

I really cannot believe I just did this because I really hate seeing myself in pictures. But it was all in good fun to show you the wacky, yet unique style Wo had. She was one of a kind and I miss her so much.

Mark and I are going to visit my mom and dad this Saturday. Sis and Bruce are also coming since my mom and dad were watching their dog, Buzz, while they were on vacation and they need to pick him up. It will be nice to see all of them since it has been a while. That is about it for now. I will go look through the pics and find a nice one of Wo. Like I say probably 100 times a day to her, "I love you Wo and I will never forget you."

Thank you all for your support.
Love,
-Pam

High school graduation with Grandma Tommie and Papa Ron.

Remembering Wo On Her Birthday

Hi Everyone,

Well, we made it past another difficult day and we are doing ok. Yesterday was Mark and Lauren's birthday. I was getting ready for work and Mark called and said he was coming home from work because he just couldn't do it. He has had a birthday with Wo for 27 years and it just was too difficult for him. So, I followed suit and called off too. Mark worked out for a long time and I took a long nap. That is what I do to escape, sleep!!!

Mark woke me up and said he wanted to go for a drive. So we got in the car and drove and drove. We ended up in Columbiana County and were seeing names of towns we had never heard of. Mark said we would stop at the next small restaurant we saw and eat lunch. We did stop at the next place we saw, walked in, and turned around and walked back out. Ok, we'll stop at the next place we see!! We found a small bar and grille and were about the only customers in there. Mark had a big burger and fries and I had two sliders and fries. I felt better because I had been really hungry which makes me grumpy and I was woken up from a nap, which anyone that knows me knows that is a major no-no unless you want your head bitten off!! I had been trying my best to be nice because it was Mark's birthday.

We stopped in Alliance and got an ice cream cone for dessert. Butter pecan, Yumm!! We had to drive down to where I work and Mark had to go in and pick up his birthday cake. I sat hunkered down in the car so nobody would see me!! I'm so bad.

I kept asking Mark if he wanted to celebrate his birthday and he said he would rather celebrate it on Friday and let the 6th be Lauren's day. So we are having his birthday today. He wants barbecued chicken thighs on the grill, potatoes and onions in foil on the grill, whatever veggie I make, and birthday cake (white cake and white buttercream frosting). He will also get to open presents.

We wanted to do something special for Wo's 28th birthday. I remember seeing big paper lanterns that had a flame underneath them on tv once. I looked on the internet and found some so I ordered 10 of them. I wrote Happy Birthday on one of them and Mark, Ryan, and I went to the cemetery last night. I was kind of afraid we would get in trouble, number one because the cemetery closes at dusk, but we break that rule all the time to go see Wo, and number two because the lantern has a big flame and I was afraid it would land on a nearby house and burn it down!! You wouldn't want to light one of those in the summer when it was dry. It went straight up and got wobbly a few times, but just kept going until it was out of sight. It was so cool. It was nice to have Ryan with us. We had a group hug that was so great. I wish Sis could have been there too. And of course, Bruce and Steph.

I don't know what has happened to me, but I am doing much better. I got a little teary yesterday a few times, but nothing compared to the non stop crying I used to have. I think I am finally coming to terms with the idea Lauren is in heaven and not coming back. But, I am lucky in the fact that she is always with me now!! I feel her around me and get little signs from her often. I tell her that I love her and miss her probably 100 times a day. It made me feel good that so many people liked and commented about her on Facebook. I know she is not forgotten and she affected many people's lives. I will do my best to keep her memory alive.

 Thank you for all of your precious comments. I read every one of them and keep them in my heart. Ok, picture time. For those of you that didn't see what I put on Facebook, here you go plus a few other special ones.

Love,
-Pam

 

Wo always looked up to her big sister.

And always looked out for her little brother.

 

 

 

I'm So Glad This Past Week Is Over

Hi Everyone,

Well, I made it through last week!! I have to say it was so difficult and so emotional. I worked most of the days and I would get teary there every day. One of the days, a cashier asked how I was (My standard answer is usually "Good, how are you?"), but this day I said "Not great." She asked why and I told her that my daughter had passed away in the summer from cancer and that Saturday was to have been her wedding day. There are only a few people at work that know this and I don't go around telling everyone. I busted out crying and she said she was so sorry. This guy that is in charge of memberships came up to us to tell us something and saw that I was crying. He said, "Oh, I am not very good at handling emotional stuff" and turned away. A couple other cashiers came over to see what was wrong. He came back and said that he was sorry and didn't know what to do. Another cashier walked toward me and hugged me and said "This is what you do." It is so weird how uncomfortable some people are with their feelings. I try very hard never to become emotional at work, but this day it was just too much. I left every day last week crying as soon as I hit the door and cried all the way home. My eyelids looked like water balloons. I was a mess. Friday and Saturday were the absolute worst days because I was thinking about how happy Wo would have been.

Mark sat me down and we had a huge chat. I have to try to be happy or he is afraid I will die from my unhappiness. I have to let go of hoping Gio will ever be in our lives again. The reason Gio was in our lives was because of Lauren and now she is not here, so he needs his own life. It is like I am grieving him as well. I keep saying that I want Lauren back and he keeps telling me that will never happen. I told him that I cannot go on being this sad and all I want is to be happy. I am the only one that can do this. So far, yesterday and today, I have been some better. I try to focus on the good things and try to push the bad thoughts away. I was watching the Olympics one night and a mom of a snowboarder that had died of a head injury was being interviewed. The interviewer asked her if losing her daughter was the worst thing she could imagine. She said no. The worst thing would be never to have had all the years she had with her daughter and she was grateful for all of them. This is how I have to think. I had so many wonderful times with Wo. I need to focus on those instead of the sad times. I think what is holding me back is the hurt of not being able to see her, talk to her, or hug her. I do talk to her all the time, but I wish she could answer. If I am not feeling better soon, I may seek professional help and see about switching medication that I am on because it is not working anymore.

Sometimes I cannot believe I write about such personal things, but it is my choice to reveal my thoughts to you. I don't talk about my family's personal feelings because that is private and only something they can talk about if they wish to. Also, if you are sick of hearing what I talk about you can quit reading this blog. But, by the number of people that are reading, you must find it interesting. I hope you are getting a first hand view and realize that family is everything and children are so precious.

Here is to feeling better and being happy!! I will leave you with some great pics. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support on Facebook.

Love,
-Pam

Sis and Wo one Halloween as old ladies. Ryan was an M&M. I can still hear them doing the Dany Carvey "church lady." Isn't that special.

Wo and I used to work at the same grocery store, Giant Eagle. On my 50th birthday, she gave me flowers, balloons, and a gigantic card. She was always so thoughtful and caring as are my other children. I love them all so much.